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The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie
Gwen: "Right, because I'm so dumb I could never understand." Me: "Word." Gwen: "Do you think it's to punish me for having a threesome?" Me: "EVERYTHING'S NOT ABOUT YOU, STUPIDHEAD." Lance: "God doesn't punish us, we do. Beauty's where you find it. Vogue. Imagine there's no heaven. No hell below us, above us only sky." Gwen: "That sounds cool." Lance: "You wanna do it?" Incest Bastard: "I am all about that, because I am a little teenage dirtbag pervert hiding in the back of the church." Gwen: "Yeah, okay." There's some kissing. Incest Bastard: "All right! Free show!" Me: "Lance, no!" There is some more very loud heterosexual kissing while Gwen and Lance continue KNEELING AT THE ALTAR. Then there's a commercial about a little girl who walks into a bank and watches a four-hour TNT Original Miniseries and walks out of the bank a thirty-year-old woman. When we come back, Margulaine is in the Flashback Canoe, only there are no Canoe Twins to be seen, and she is rowing her poor self. She says she felt as though she had "nevah left." After a great deal of some haggard-looking rowboat action, she stands up and waves her arms around, but no dice. She has been locked out of the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, because they are instituting a "No Victims" policy. Vivarin has foresaken her. She hears the sound of the Glastonbury bell, and this apparently makes her nauseous, because she curls into the fetal position, and I really don't know what's going on here except that maybe she's real tired due to being foresaken by Vivarin, and can no longer stay awake. Heh. At Glastonbury, there are some sinister nuns walking around. One of them is Margulaine's mother, Migraine. She wades in a hilarious nun manner out into the lake. They cry and cry. And cry. Margulaine talks about how horrible her life has been up to this point, and rather than listening like a good mother, it looks like Migraine decides to try and pull her out of the canoe and into the water so she'll shut up. Gwen lies in a weirdly lit Foreshadowing Bed for a while, and when a guy walks into her bedroom, she tips her hand by immediately calling out to him: "Lancelot?" But it's not Lancelot, it's her stepson Incest Bastard, and he rudely grabs her and holds a knife at her throat. Lance walks in and strips down to his bright blue long underwear, which he bought especially to turn Gwen on. Some knight, I think Sir Gawain, runs in and puts Lance under arrest for wearing bright blue long underwear. Incest Bastard tells him to get dressed and calls out, "Mother?" But it's not Margulaine, it's her aunt the Queen of Mean, and she rudely grabs Gwen and wants to put some more clothes on her too. Super Kung Fu Lance freaks all out and stabs a random knight while Incest Bastard and the Queen of Mean grin creepily. Lance and Gwen ride off on the horses of deepest shame, and this apparently means that Arthur's ruin is complete, somehow. Then we see King Arthur, and he is having the worst hair day in the history of Europe. Arthur explains to Incest Bastard that he doesn't want to hunt down Lance and Gwen because he loves them. Decency precludes him explaining just how much. Incest Bastard points out that this makes him a sissy. Arthur concedes this point.

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie

Lance doesn't want to leave Gwen at Nun Central, because he is in love with her. Gwen replies that since she is no one's wife and her entire personality depends on being someone's wife or whore, she has no personality, and must therefore become a nun and give her heart only to God. Lance points out that this leaves him in a screwed position, since he's lost his King and he's lost his honor and now he's losing...something else...or something...but Gwen hushes him with a finger to the lips. They fondly remember the time that Lance scared the hell out of her and caused her to doubt her sanity for many years, back at Fauxhenge. As a parting shot, she pulls out an oh-so-romantic crucifix and kisses it and gives it to him, so he can never forget exactly Whose fault it is that his life has become pointless and sad. She walks in, and Migraine, who apparently has actually conversed with Gwen at some point we didn't get to see, is really happy to see her. Turns out that Migraine is Mother Superior at Glastonbury, which strains credibility considering that she was a Top Three priestess at the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, but the Glastonbury background checks are not what they could be, I guess. Migraine completely understands Gwen's martyr complex, as beating herself up long-term for cheating on her husband is what brought her here too.

Because she's a bored old harridan troublemaker, Migraine brings Gwen immediately to Margulaine, who's staring into space inside the convent. There's a ten-minute Noh play in which they stare at each other like gunslingers before Margulaine relents to give Gwen what turns out to be a sweet, nice, natural hug. It's touching. Gwen relates her regret at "coming between" Margulaine and Arthur (although not at doing the same with Lance and Arthur, which I think is funny, even if you don't) and tells Margulaine that Arthur needs her now, since he's endangered -- by "your son," Incest Bastard. Until that backhanded warning, I thought we'd lost Gwen forever. Thank Goddess for pointless bitchery.

Margulaine rides toward Camelot through the waves and waves of refugees who are leaving the coast due to being slaughtered wholesale by the Saxons. They're pretty dirty, so you know they're refugees. Touching Moment #2 in like five minutes: Margulaine's sitting on her horse on a hill when suddenly she squeezes her eyes closed. I'm hoping she's not going to have another tin-foil flashback, but instead she smiles and holds out her hand. Vivarin rides up and clasps it, and it's just beautiful. They have a bummer moment, but it's also full of love. Margulaine mixes some mad metaphors while explaining to Vivarin that while she turned her back on her, her heart never turned. Which I'm trying to picture. Vivarin joins in the self-pity party by saying that she destroyed their relationship in the name of the Goddess, and now she fears that she might have destroyed "something else," which is either Camelot, or Avalon, or somebody besides Margulaine's sense of self-worth. Choosing the first two, Margulaine asks if Camelot and the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective are going to "disappear into the Mists," which I guess means "be forgotten forever," and why is Margulaine suddenly talking in Tori Amos code? Say what you mean, Margulaine! Vivarin's all, "Yeah, it's going to suck big-time, everybody dead, I am right now at this very moment hallucinating that everything is covered in blood." Margulaine's like, "Okay...?"

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