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The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie
Since I am not involved in the tragedy, or indeed the plot, I am thinking clearly, and I think about how, at the Collective, they probably have magical herbs that could help Arthur, and I think that's why they want to go there. Like Ye Olde Emergency Trauma Center kind of deal. But no, they are thinking symbolically, I guess, because they take their sweet time getting there. In the Flashback Canoe -- being rowed once more by the Prodigy twins -- Margulaine does some feeling the power of the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective for old times' sake. They hear the Glastonbury bell, and Margulaine waves her arms around, but nothing really happens. Margulaine explains to the totally interested and fading fast Arthur that the Goddess has forsaken them, just like they did her. Obviously delirious, Arthur decides that the best way to deal with this problem is to throw his sword in the Lake. Which wouldn't be the first thing I would think of, if I were locked out of a place. She thinks maybe it's a good idea and she throws it up into the sky, where it begins to glow crappily, and then floats for awhile before turning into a crucifix, which I don't get AT ALL, and then it disappears. Then there's the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, and Margulaine says "we're home" a few times to the body that used to be His Bi-ness, and then the Goddess goes "Psych!" and the Mists flood in again. Ouch! In voice-over, Margulaine tells us that the Saxons won and took over, and then she's walking through Glastonbury in some unknown capacity. She talks about how she thought it was too bad that the Goddess was going to fade forever, but instead of doing something about it she's decided to go with the flow and hang out at a convent. Then this creepy little girl with her eyes rolled back in her head starts praying to the Virgin Mary, which is a graven idol consisting of the old Goddess statue, which somebody must have run off with before the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective disappeared forever, with a blue dishtowel on its head. A little anachronistic lightbulb goes on over Margulaine's head, and she realizes that the Goddess is very sneaky and is now undercover as the Virgin Mary. This is apparently a groundbreaking new idea that nobody has ever thought of. Thanks, TNT. Then, as a final shout-out to modern witches everywhere, she VOs that "perhaps one day future generations will be able to bring her back as [these poor people we just watched get slaughtered] knew her, in the Glory of [the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective]." And more moaning and yodelling from Ms. McKennitt as we fade to black and the credits get incredibly skinny so we can watch an ad for Witchblade if we want, but I don't, so I just turn the whole thing off and go wave my arms around outside the automatic doors at a grocery store, because it makes me realize the power of Avalon whenever they open.

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie

Margulaine's horse is so weirded out by the obvious power of Excalibur that it falls over. Margulaine jumps off all sprightly and then runs right past Arthur to talk to her dying son. He calls her "Mother" and then dies the only way he could, in a long drawn-out Paul Ruebens-in-the-Buffy-movie kind of way, still kind of rolling the scenery around in his mouth to get the last bit of flavor, and then his head...slowly...dramatically...rolls to the side. Imagine the most ridiculous dying you ever pretended to do as a child and then make it more dramatic. Margulaine sits there wondering how she feels about all this, and then kisses Incest Corpse full on the mouth because she feels that is the appropriate thing to do. She stands up and looks around at all the dead, dead, dead. Remembering that her brother is in mortal-wound mode on the ground, she moseys over, but gets distracted by Lance's corpse nearby. She's kind of sad about it. Finally, she reaches Arthur, and instead of applying some of her ER training and saving his ass, she basically asks how he's doing. He wants to go to the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective.

Since I am not involved in the tragedy, or indeed the plot, I am thinking clearly, and I think about how, at the Collective, they probably have magical herbs that could help Arthur, and I think that's why they want to go there. Like Ye Olde Emergency Trauma Center kind of deal. But no, they are thinking symbolically, I guess, because they take their sweet time getting there. In the Flashback Canoe -- being rowed once more by the Prodigy twins -- Margulaine does some feeling the power of the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective for old times' sake. They hear the Glastonbury bell, and Margulaine waves her arms around, but nothing really happens. Margulaine explains to the totally interested and fading fast Arthur that the Goddess has forsaken them, just like they did her. Obviously delirious, Arthur decides that the best way to deal with this problem is to throw his sword in the Lake. Which wouldn't be the first thing I would think of, if I were locked out of a place. She thinks maybe it's a good idea and she throws it up into the sky, where it begins to glow crappily, and then floats for awhile before turning into a crucifix, which I don't get AT ALL, and then it disappears. Then there's the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, and Margulaine says "we're home" a few times to the body that used to be His Bi-ness, and then the Goddess goes "Psych!" and the Mists flood in again. Ouch!

In voice-over, Margulaine tells us that the Saxons won and took over, and then she's walking through Glastonbury in some unknown capacity. She talks about how she thought it was too bad that the Goddess was going to fade forever, but instead of doing something about it she's decided to go with the flow and hang out at a convent. Then this creepy little girl with her eyes rolled back in her head starts praying to the Virgin Mary, which is a graven idol consisting of the old Goddess statue, which somebody must have run off with before the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective disappeared forever, with a blue dishtowel on its head. A little anachronistic lightbulb goes on over Margulaine's head, and she realizes that the Goddess is very sneaky and is now undercover as the Virgin Mary. This is apparently a groundbreaking new idea that nobody has ever thought of. Thanks, TNT. Then, as a final shout-out to modern witches everywhere, she VOs that "perhaps one day future generations will be able to bring her back as [these poor people we just watched get slaughtered] knew her, in the Glory of [the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective]." And more moaning and yodelling from Ms. McKennitt as we fade to black and the credits get incredibly skinny so we can watch an ad for Witchblade if we want, but I don't, so I just turn the whole thing off and go wave my arms around outside the automatic doors at a grocery store, because it makes me realize the power of Avalon whenever they open.

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Mondo Extra

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