Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie
It's obviously been about five years since the night the Queen of Mean tried to kill Björk with the chill air of a Prague winter, but all of a sudden Margulaine is feeling like she should get out of Orkney. The Queen of Mean is all about it and tells her to go to Camelot. Margulaine asks about Björk, but the Meanster says she'll keep him there (obviously so that she can use cruel mind tricks and behaviorist-manual brainwashing to make sure Mordred is creepy as can be). Margulaine points out that her aunt is trying to turn the boy against her, and the Queen of Mean, far from denying it, says that they are twin souls. Because Mordred is also an extremely talented and beautiful actress with about a billion Oscar noms who has been relegated to character-actor supporting status because of a ridiculous and ageist Hollywood beauty standard for women, I guess. Margulaine agrees to give up her only child to the evil of Orkney, on the condition that the Queen of Mean keep her son far from Vivarin, the Lady of the Lake. The Queen of Mean agrees, because so far, every time Vivarin has shown up, she has screwed the Queen of Mean's evil schemes all to hell. Valid. Margulaine rides a horse to the ever-tinier-looking Camelot, where Arthur welcomes her with excitement and introduces her to some Knights of the Round Table. There's Sir Gawain, who remembers the time Margulaine hit on him at her stepfather's funeral, and Sir Percival, who looks like he really likes Monty Python and Red Dwarf. Then there's Sir Galahad, who is apparently a member of either Kansas, Toto, or Journey. There's Sir Accolon, who is apparently slow of wit. Oh, no, wait, that's the telegraphed look of love. Hoo boy. Before we can meet any more ugly Knights, the terrible Gwenhwyfar walks up all schmoozy and says something about how she should be bowing to Margulaine because "[she was] in the King's affections long before [Gwen] was." There are some reaction shots, because the whole point of this scene was for Gwen to say this creepy thing in case we forgot about the Beltane Incest disaster for a second. Gwen drags her off for some sisterhood-type girl talk, and Margulaine goes along almost willingly, even though she must know what a loser Gwen is. Not satisfied with being stultifyingly banal and socially inept, Gwen starts off being outright rude by saying how Margulaine must know how scary she is. Margulaine, who is out to lunch at the moment, tries to put a pretty face on things by saying that Gwen's head tells her the two of them are the same. Gwen says no, not really. Margulaine continues having this conversation with herself, perhaps in passive-aggressive reaction to Gwen's own rudeness, about how it's funny because superficially they couldn't be more different. Also subficially, say I, because Margulaine is beautiful, smart, quick-witted, independent, a good person, a non-zealot, not a ho-bag, interesting, polite, and has the additional advantage of people liking her instead of hating her. People like myself.

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Mondo Extra

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie

Margulaine rides a horse to the ever-tinier-looking Camelot, where Arthur welcomes her with excitement and introduces her to some Knights of the Round Table. There's Sir Gawain, who remembers the time Margulaine hit on him at her stepfather's funeral, and Sir Percival, who looks like he really likes Monty Python and Red Dwarf. Then there's Sir Galahad, who is apparently a member of either Kansas, Toto, or Journey. There's Sir Accolon, who is apparently slow of wit. Oh, no, wait, that's the telegraphed look of love. Hoo boy. Before we can meet any more ugly Knights, the terrible Gwenhwyfar walks up all schmoozy and says something about how she should be bowing to Margulaine because "[she was] in the King's affections long before [Gwen] was." There are some reaction shots, because the whole point of this scene was for Gwen to say this creepy thing in case we forgot about the Beltane Incest disaster for a second. Gwen drags her off for some sisterhood-type girl talk, and Margulaine goes along almost willingly, even though she must know what a loser Gwen is.

Not satisfied with being stultifyingly banal and socially inept, Gwen starts off being outright rude by saying how Margulaine must know how scary she is. Margulaine, who is out to lunch at the moment, tries to put a pretty face on things by saying that Gwen's head tells her the two of them are the same. Gwen says no, not really. Margulaine continues having this conversation with herself, perhaps in passive-aggressive reaction to Gwen's own rudeness, about how it's funny because superficially they couldn't be more different. Also subficially, say I, because Margulaine is beautiful, smart, quick-witted, independent, a good person, a non-zealot, not a ho-bag, interesting, polite, and has the additional advantage of people liking her instead of hating her. People like myself.

Gwen tries to see how many times she can cram the British pronunciation of the word "herb" into her sentences. Margulaine tries to see how embarrassed she can make Gwen by pretending not to understand her native tongue. I try to shoot spitwads at Gwen, but keep hitting the cat. What everybody knows but nobody is saying is that Gwen wants to get knocked up, in a vain attempt to make her husband love her and stop looking at his sister's ass and Lancelot's ass and generally act like a husband instead of a tennis buddy. Margulaine doesn't ask, "What's in it for me," which would be a good idea, but instead kind of calls Gwen a hypocrite for using Goddess wisdom magic when she's such an annoying Christian all the time. Gwen, not seeing the truth of what she's saying, decides to say that if Margulaine tells her that she is not a witch and that this isn't Satan's own house party, that she will believe her and not worry about it. Just this one time, she adds, in case we mistake her for a person with human emotions or a shred of damn decency, because her out clause is that, by saying this, she is giving herself immunity from having to treat Margulaine or any other Goddess followers like people. Samantha Mathis is very effective in this scene, and I found myself almost not wanting to poke Gwen in the face for once. Margulaine relents with the sarcasm and says Gwen will be pregnant by Beltane.

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Mondo Extra

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