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The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie
Gwen tries to see how many times she can cram the British pronunciation of the word "herb" into her sentences. Margulaine tries to see how embarrassed she can make Gwen by pretending not to understand her native tongue. I try to shoot spitwads at Gwen, but keep hitting the cat. What everybody knows but nobody is saying is that Gwen wants to get knocked up, in a vain attempt to make her husband love her and stop looking at his sister's ass and Lancelot's ass and generally act like a husband instead of a tennis buddy. Margulaine doesn't ask, "What's in it for me," which would be a good idea, but instead kind of calls Gwen a hypocrite for using Goddess wisdom magic when she's such an annoying Christian all the time. Gwen, not seeing the truth of what she's saying, decides to say that if Margulaine tells her that she is not a witch and that this isn't Satan's own house party, that she will believe her and not worry about it. Just this one time, she adds, in case we mistake her for a person with human emotions or a shred of damn decency, because her out clause is that, by saying this, she is giving herself immunity from having to treat Margulaine or any other Goddess followers like people. Samantha Mathis is very effective in this scene, and I found myself almost not wanting to poke Gwen in the face for once. Margulaine relents with the sarcasm and says Gwen will be pregnant by Beltane. It's nighttime, and Margulaine and Lancelot are hanging out in the courtyard for no real reason. She's flirting with him and he's acting all sad, and so she acts all gay-best-friend advice girl instead. Arthur listens as they discuss Lance's royalty jones, but gets pissed when he realizes that Lance's talking about his wife instead of him. Lancelot throws him a little crumb: "I love Arthur more than any man."
Margulaine: "So how about a sympathy bone, cousin?" Lancelot: "Allow me to reiterate that I am all about Gwen." My friend Laura: "King Arthur looks like Doogie Howser, M.D." Me: "Margulaine should just kick him to the curb. Doesn't she know that getting all on his jock makes her the opposite of a creature like no other? Don't mean a thing 'til you get that ring." Gwen: "Arthur, stop hanging out on Convenient Battlements. It's time for you to come get in this bed with me with a minimum of chemistry and a maximum of awkwardness. Pretend we're two people in our mid-fifties who are being forced to sleep in the same bed at a hotel. And don't talk to me while I'm reading."

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie

It's nighttime, and Margulaine and Lancelot are hanging out in the courtyard for no real reason. She's flirting with him and he's acting all sad, and so she acts all gay-best-friend advice girl instead. Arthur listens as they discuss Lance's royalty jones, but gets pissed when he realizes that Lance's talking about his wife instead of him. Lancelot throws him a little crumb: "I love Arthur more than any man."

Margulaine: "So how about a sympathy bone, cousin?"
Lancelot: "Allow me to reiterate that I am all about Gwen."
My friend Laura: "King Arthur looks like Doogie Howser, M.D."
Me: "Margulaine should just kick him to the curb. Doesn't she know that getting all on his jock makes her the opposite of a creature like no other? Don't mean a thing 'til you get that ring."
Gwen: "Arthur, stop hanging out on Convenient Battlements. It's time for you to come get in this bed with me with a minimum of chemistry and a maximum of awkwardness. Pretend we're two people in our mid-fifties who are being forced to sleep in the same bed at a hotel. And don't talk to me while I'm reading."
Arthur: "I'd rather play with my He-Man toys under the kitchen table."
Gwen: "I'd rather play with Lancelot's genitals on top of the kitchen table. Disappointment reigns."

Now it's Beltane. Get ready for the yipping people twirling stuff on fire around on long ropes! Margulaine gives Gwen the charm, and I get confused, because I thought this was strictly a fertility charm, but everybody starts acting like it's an aphrodisiac. Maybe it's both. At dinner in the Camelot Commons, Gwen plays with the charm around her neck, Lance looks truly stunning in a fetching blue outfit, and Arthur is drinking heavily and trying to get Lance and Gwen to go "Weis" and "Er" after he says "Bud." Depressed about her brother's obvious denial and alcoholism, Margulaine makes some half-hearted eyes at Accolon before abruptly walking out of the room, taking my advice to act hard-to-get a little bit far by jumping on a horse and riding away. Don't worry, Accolon's 'bout it. Margulaine rides in some lame and why-is-it-there slo-mo to where the yipping and arson are happening. There's a Wicker Man burning in the middle of a lake, which the camera keeps panning over as though it were symbolic, but it's really not.

Accolon rides up right behind her and, romantically, they immediately begin a conversation about the political climate in England. Apparently it's getting harder to get a license to yip and twirl stuff on fire, because the priests are getting more powerful, but Accolon says, "Screw the priests" and Margulaine says, "Also each other. Right now." Meanwhile, Gwen is sitting at the table with her drunked-up husband acting all put-upon and embarrassed, and she and Lance pick up Arthur and carry him to bed. This is porn. We are watching porn unfold. There's some creepy "I love you both more than anything" talk out of Arthur, still making with the growly voice of the last couple of scenes. He drags them both onto the bed with him, setting the scene. Suddenly, it would seem that Britain really needs an heir, even though a few minutes ago it wasn't at all a big deal. I think there's an agenda here. Arthur is creeping everybody out, but he won't shut up and keeps pulling Lance back down on the bed, telling him that he has to keep still and listen to all this filthy porn talk because he is the King and is not above ordering Lance to do so. He's totally ignoring Gwen because he knows she's fully ready for the Lance-man.

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