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The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie
Gwen: "Hell no." Arthur: "I am the King and your husband and you will do as I say. And I say let's do a three-way!" Lance: "You're crazy but that must be why I love you, or something." Arthur: "Bud." Lance: "...Weis." Gwen has apparently protested the requisite amount God needs before adultery and kinky stuff can occur because she's all, "Er, let's go!" and takes off her clothes. She's not wearing the fertility/aphrodisiac charm anywhere I can see it. Meanwhile, the X is kicking in for Margulaine and Accolon at the Beltane Rave, because they're painting each other's faces in a "sensual" manner. There's some kissing. Then it goes: threesome, kissing at the rave, ravers dancing, threesome, kissing, dancing, forever and ever. I about pass out from all the excitement until I realize that it's not exciting, it's just creepy and boring and repetitive. Margulaine drives up guiltily on her horse as the sun is coming up. Lance is doing more of that unspecified stuff he does in the courtyard whenever he and Margulaine need to run into each other for a little Exposition Party. Somehow Lance knows that there was a charm involved in last night's shenanigans, and he thinks that Margulaine set him up. Margulaine, having gotten laid for the first time since she and her brother deflowered each other like ten years ago, is vague right now and in need of a little clarification. She assures him that the charm was not meant for his sperm, but good-naturedly congratulates him on bagging Gwen. He tells her about Arthur's little manipulative wish-fulfillment deal, and she smirks about the threesome like she's all worldly, which she kind of is, because even though she grew up in a convent, it was the kind of convent where they occasionally send you off to have random anonymous sex rituals. Lance, while appreciating the kink props, wants to get back to feeling the drama. Dear Diary: Sex changes everything! I thought I would feel different but I don't. Do you think he'll call me? I'm starting to think it was a bad idea. How can we go back to the way things were? Am I a slut now? Will anybody take me to the prom? Will they do it just because they think I'll put out? What if everybody starts thinking I put out? If Mom doesn't loan me sixty bucks for that sweet yellow jacket at The Limited, I swear to God I'm going to become a prostitute in Las Vegas.
Margulaine: "Dramarama! Can you just chill out for a second? It's just sex. Seriously, I've been around the block and it's a nice walk."

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie

Margulaine: "Dramarama! Can you just chill out for a second? It's just sex. Seriously, I've been around the block and it's a nice walk."
Lance: "How can I kneel before him and call myself his servant?"
Me: "Oh, my God. Did he just say that? Did you just hear him say that? Rewind!"
Lance: "How can I kneel before him and call myself his servant?"
Me: "What naive graduate of Sweet Valley High wrote this script?"
Margulaine: "I need a Xanax."

There was this ugly girl at the dinner party the night before where Arthur got wasted, but I didn't mention her because she's not important, except that now she is, because she's helping Gwen get dressed and apparently has become engaged to Lance. Which makes me wonder what Lance does for free time, since he is a busy bee indeed. Gwen decides that it's all about her and throws a GIANT FIT. "You have a husband and I have no child!" This makes little sense, which combined with the out-of-nowhere nature of Gwen's freak-out tirade causes the ugly girl from dinner to look confused and frightened. Her work here done, she watches Gwen run out to the Round Table room to yell at Arthur because she is On A Roll.

Arthur says to Lance, "Take over for me here," because he knows this could take a while, because he knows that he is married to a crackhead. Gwen is yet again upset because she's having her period, which means that last night's grab-assing did not have the desired effect. Arthur doesn't get this, because as far as he's concerned it had exactly the desired effect. Gwen has "no baby," and this apparently is due to the fact that Arthur worships the Goddess, who will not give Gwen a baby, and while he is doing this heathen thing, the real God won't give her a baby either. Gwen is confused about biology, I think. She also seems to have missed the press release about Arthur bringing together Christians and worshippers of the Goddess alike, which was so often repeated over the last three hours that I'm right now embroidering it on a little pillow. Gwen runs off to cast some more blame somewhere else, and we break for commercial.

Now we're at Lance's wedding -- again with Mr. Busy -- and we learn that his wife is named Elaine. Which makes her Lady Elaine, which is funny, because Lady Elaine is the scariest puppet in the history of children's television. Margulaine, jealous, tells us in a truly mean-spirited voice-over that she is happy that Lance can bring joy to such a "simple soul." Ouch! Margulaine looks absolutely beautiful in this scene. It's a fully Christian wedding, with no Goddess stuff, which is weird since the groom is the son of the Lady of the Lake. His mother Vivarin is not in attendance, but thank Goddess her toady Merlin is there to remind everyone about how awesome she is and pointedly tell anyone who will listen that she's not there because it's a Christian wedding. Sir Accolon interrupts Merlin's whining at Margulaine to ask her to dance.

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