Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie
Vivarin wonders if they've wasted their lives, and Merlin replies with some stuff that makes no sense, and he's talking slower and slower about "live with passion" this and "find a little joy in life" that, and delivers some kind of WTF statement about how the Goddess lives in our humanity. Vivarin begins weeping copiously, and we figure out Merlin is dead. How can she tell? Then she sobs really loudly for a long time, because having your only living fan die in front of you is hard on ye olde ego. Then Raven, the main bald womyn of the island, gets behind Vivarin and kneels and tries really hard to cry but gets distracted by some Mists that are filling up the abbey. She walks around all tripped out because there is heavy-duty Mist all over the place. Raven is upset because she hates Jamie Lee Curtis movies and this is just like the one called The Fog. There's more Mist and more Raven and more sobbing. I think it's supposed to be portentous, but I don't get it. It's fog. The thing is called The Mists Of Avalon, for Pete's sake. Margulaine tells us that she was only ever happy in North Wales with her ancient husband, and that when Sir Accolon came to visit, it was just like a family. I understand that, with all her experiences, she might be confused about what families are actually like, but I think any family where the woman was tricked into marrying the husband because she had a hard-on for the son is decidedly non-standard. There's a sexually charged scene involving Margulaine, her son, and a bird of prey. Happy little family. Meanwhile, Mordred is growing up to be creepy as all get out, into "a manhood that would destroy [them] all." Vivarin appears to Mordred, tells him he has to be the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective's main champ, and then without prelude informs him of his status as Incest Bastard. He takes this news rather well, apparently having figured out that Vivarin set up the whole thing. He makes some really embarrassing summer-stock faces, and I can't even really look at him as he froths, "Yes. I have the power...I can bend men to my will!" There is more related Dr. Doom speechifying before he agrees to fight for Vivarin. The next scene happens really fast. Incest Bastard runs into the Orkney dungeon where the Queen of Mean is hanging out and yells at her for not telling him about the whole incest deal, and then the Queen of Mean tells him to go to Camelot and discredit Arthur through his wife -- like that would be hard -- and then there's another embarrassing frothing monologue about how he wishes he could see his mother and father as just people instead of mythical superfreaks and how gods and goddesses mess up everything, and then he decides to kill Arthur, and then he laughs weirdly, and then he starts drinking even though it's only 10:30 in the morning.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17Next

Mondo Extra

Comments

Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie

I do the same.

There's a St. George poster on the wall of the Camelot Christian sanctuary, which is all about killing dragons, a.k.a. pagans, just like St. Patrick is all about killing snakes, a.k.a. pagans. The sermon is something about "I will bear a race of strong men" or something, so you're sure this scene is about the fertility couple, and the camera swings around on Gwen and Arthur, looking not great. I think this is to make us aware of how Arthur's leaning ever more to the right. And then it's back to the Round Table, where Incest Bastard comes in all cocky and rude and says that he's been torturing Saxons for fun and has found out that they are building boats. Remember how, before, the Saxons invaded and it was not a huge deal, and then they came back "in force" and it was not a huge deal some more? Incest Bastard wants you to know that this is different, like "in force" squared, an actual huge deal, and he is central to saving the whole world, because he has the power and can bend men to his will.

Incest Bastard asks to be knighted so he can add his expertise and Saxon knowledge to the cause. The Knights of the Round Table laugh at him because he is a drama queen and doesn't know what he is talking about. He offers to take them on, and one of them stands up and says he's been waiting for an excuse to beat this kid down since he barged in. There is a swordfight that lasts two whole years, which Incest Bastard of course wins. The Knights have recently discovered banging on the table, and use it as a historical precursor to applause. Incest Bastard tells Arthur that he is Margulaine's son, and everyone is like, "No wonder he's so pushy." There's more growly-voice from Arthur as he says he wants to stay up all night with Incest Bastard, braiding their hair and trying different facial masks and watching all the 90210 episodes he has on tape. Gwen's all, "Not cool, dude," but doesn't say anything because she is evil, and then there's a local commercial for a little shop here in Houston that sells crystal balls and the like, located under my friend Matt's old apartment, just in case we in the audience feel like doing some Goddess-worship of our own. At our peril, I should add, because if there's anything this movie stresses, it's that the Goddess will only get you in trouble.

I regret to inform you that, over the commercial break, King Uriens died. I know, I was shocked too. Let's get through this together. Sir Accolon asks her to stay there, and she reminds him that A) Wales is sucky even though it has occult cachet, B) he is her son, and C) every time she looks at him, she'll be reminded of her dead husband. I guess pretending Uriens was her own stepfather is how she got through being married to him, which is gross, and backfired. Unexpectedly, she has decided -- without bothering to explain why -- to go back to the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, I assume to fight with Vivarin some more, or maybe because the gals back home are having a party to celebrate that Merlin is dead.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next

Mondo Extra

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP