Stee: Eric Nies did not get into the building.
Ray: Why aren't you drinking your Michelob Light?
Stee: I'm full.
Pamie: Well, the New Artist kiss of death. We'll never hear from her again. "Hey. I'm Macy Gray. Buy my new album!"
Stee: Why are you doing my one impression? Why you gots to Bogart the one impression I do?
Pamie: Because you won't let me do my Adam Sandler!
Alicia Keys wins, solidifying her One-Hit Wonder status. She walks down the aisle, trying to hold a jacket over her naked breasts. She's all fringe and lace, looking like someone's dead in New Orleans. She says she's trying to be cool. She "tss"es and thanks God ("Of course"), y'all over there, y'all up there, y'all there, and MTV. She thanks men for holding her down, her mother for holding her down, Clive Davis, and J. Records. She thanks everyone again a couple of times.
Christopher Walken takes the stage and waves. He says, "Onstage at the Met. Wow. Wowee-wow-wow-wow." Does Will Ferrell make fifty bucks when Christopher Walken quotes SNL? Walken says he was supposed to read some crap off a teleprompter, but he doesn't want to. Everyone cheers so Walken doesn't kill anyone with his ability to harness evil with his eyes. P. Diddy and Janet are the pouty twins, still not enjoying a single second of this award show. Oh, wait. Because they haven't won shit and neither of them are performing. Walken announces *NSYNC.
*NSYNC starts in that black-and-white lighting. Justin talks about Pop and pulls out a bottle of soda. The song starts and a woman strips him of his jacket, bringing the color with it. The woman is identified as his "sexatary." The boys enter one by one from their giant, intricate set. It's colorful and something's always happening. Giant foam popcorn flies out of a box into the audience. Lights, dancing, moving set pieces. Dancing, dancing, dancing. Lance runs to his place so fast it looks like he just quit the group. Dancing, dancing, dancing. Girls in huge wigs. Acrobats. Yellow, pink, green, red. It stops and is quiet for a second, until Justin shouts, "Woo!" when the dancing starts up again. Don't they do that in every performance? Dancing, simulated sex, dancing, simulated guitar playing, dancing, simulated singing. The chorus goes over and over and over and over until they all stop to announce the King of Pop. Michael Jackson appears on an Etch A Sketch. The Etch A Sketch shatters and Michael dances very close to *NSYNC in a cloud of dry ice. Justin beatboxes and does Michael impressions as Michael tries not to collapse, hoping that people will buy more tickets to his shows. The boys all pat Michael on his chest, and it looks like it was clearly stated in the contract that they were forbidden to do so.