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The Reagans, Part I

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Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Argle Bargle? Or Fooforah?
Showtime Special Presentation. Get ready to have your ass shattered. It's rated PG, so don't let your seven-year-old sister read this. Oh, another disclaimer: "This film is a dramatic interpretation of events based on public sources. Some scenes and characters are presented as composites." Well, screw this, then. Can I switch channels? No? Damn. Opening credits roll as a mournful trumpet plays. "THE REAGANS" title comes up in blue text with red underlining. And everybody's name is white. Where do they get these color scheme ideas? Hey, it's Zeljko Ivanek is in this movie! I love him! And Shad Hart! I wonder if he's related to Corey. Shad Hart wears his sunglasses during the day. Just so you can tell them apart. We finally get something to watch as Zeljko, dear Zeljko, bounds up some very impressive-looking stairs. This is a man with a purpose. Hey, what the fuck is John Stamos doing in this movie? Was that why CBS didn't want to air this? CBS was like, "For years, he and ABC screwed us with Full House! Now we shall screw with Mr. Stamos! Bwah ha ha ha ha! Feel our wrath, Stamos! Nobody watches Showtime! Ah ha ha!" Zeljko keeps walking, and the music swells a little as I think about John Stamos. Zeljko must be in the White House. He walks by some maids and goes down a red-carpetted hallway. He comes to an imposing set of double doors. He knocks. This movie is based on the book, First Ladies - Volume II by Carl Sferrazza Anthony. (Incidentally, Anthony was part of a panel discussion airing the next night on Showtime, and it was complete ass. I'm sure Carl Sfeffazza is a smart historian, but he came across as a complete tool. I won't be recapping that panel, by the way.) If you'd like to learn more about The Reagans and perhaps about Zeljko Ivanek, visit your local library, where they are very unlikely to carry the book First Ladies - Volume II by Carl Sassafras Somebody. "Just a minute, Mike," a woman's voice says from inside the room and beyond the title of that book. Then she tells Ivanek that he can come in. Ivanek enters the room, where Ronald Regan sits in a chair watching TV in a dark room. Nancy Reagan, as played by Judy Davis (who is unaccountably hot in some irrational way that I cannot understand no matter how many times I ask my own hot glands why they think so), is standing next to Ron's chair. Zeljko closes the door. On the TV, there's a cattle stampede on an old black and white movie. In huge white letters, "1987" appears on the screen. The Year Before I Wore a Mullet. Zeljko tells the president that John Tower wants to talk to him. Nancy gets up and tells Zeljko to go on. She stands, and there are tears in her eyes. "They're beginning to talk about impeachment," Zeljko tells her. Ron is still watching TV. Nancy begins to lose it. "Impeachment?" she asks. She says they won't have the votes for it in the Senate. Zeljko knows it. Zeljko knows all. But he says that the evidence is overwhelming. Close-up on Ron, who is listening. He's played by James "Mr. Streisand" Brolin in very, very convincing makeup and hair. This is late-stage Ronnie, and he looks very red and wrinkly. He grimaces. Zeljko advises that they hire a criminal defense attorney. "He's not a criminal," says Nancy, with red-rimmed eyes. Ronnie finally speaks: "Why do I need an attorney?" Zeljko sits down and explains that he doesn't need an attorney, but that he'll want to have one. They're fun. You can get them to fetch and roll over and stuff. Most are even housetrained. Nancy thinks maybe they should have one. "We haven't done anything illegal," Ronnie says. Zeljko says that there are just so many questions. Ronnie gets a little flustered, and says that they should ask that lying bastard Oliver North who gave money to the Contras. I was nine when all this went down. I remember the videogame Contra better than I remember Iran-Contra. Nancy, emotionally, tells Ronnie that he has to talk to them. Zeljko suggests a press conference. Nancy vetoes that. She says he'll talk to the country on TV. "They got Nixon," Ronnie says bitterly. "Now they think they're gonna get me. Well, I'm not Nixon!" Nancy says that everybody knows that, but that Ronnie has to talk to the people and make them believe him. Nancy's begging and crying. Ronnie tells her to calm down and stop crying. He soothes her and lovingly says that she cries more than any woman he knows. He says she cries when they send out the laundry. Zeljko chuckles once, quickly.

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Mondo Extra
The Reagans, Part I

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Argle Bargle? Or Fooforah?

Showtime Special Presentation. Get ready to have your ass shattered. It's rated PG, so don't let your seven-year-old sister read this.

Oh, another disclaimer: "This film is a dramatic interpretation of events based on public sources. Some scenes and characters are presented as composites." Well, screw this, then. Can I switch channels? No? Damn.

Opening credits roll as a mournful trumpet plays. "THE REAGANS" title comes up in blue text with red underlining. And everybody's name is white. Where do they get these color scheme ideas? Hey, it's Zeljko Ivanek is in this movie! I love him! And Shad Hart! I wonder if he's related to Corey. Shad Hart wears his sunglasses during the day. Just so you can tell them apart.

We finally get something to watch as Zeljko, dear Zeljko, bounds up some very impressive-looking stairs. This is a man with a purpose. Hey, what the fuck is John Stamos doing in this movie? Was that why CBS didn't want to air this? CBS was like, "For years, he and ABC screwed us with Full House! Now we shall screw with Mr. Stamos! Bwah ha ha ha ha! Feel our wrath, Stamos! Nobody watches Showtime! Ah ha ha!" Zeljko keeps walking, and the music swells a little as I think about John Stamos. Zeljko must be in the White House. He walks by some maids and goes down a red-carpetted hallway. He comes to an imposing set of double doors. He knocks. This movie is based on the book, First Ladies - Volume II by Carl Sferrazza Anthony. (Incidentally, Anthony was part of a panel discussion airing the next night on Showtime, and it was complete ass. I'm sure Carl Sfeffazza is a smart historian, but he came across as a complete tool. I won't be recapping that panel, by the way.) If you'd like to learn more about The Reagans and perhaps about Zeljko Ivanek, visit your local library, where they are very unlikely to carry the book First Ladies - Volume II by Carl Sassafras Somebody. "Just a minute, Mike," a woman's voice says from inside the room and beyond the title of that book. Then she tells Ivanek that he can come in.

Ivanek enters the room, where Ronald Regan sits in a chair watching TV in a dark room. Nancy Reagan, as played by Judy Davis (who is unaccountably hot in some irrational way that I cannot understand no matter how many times I ask my own hot glands why they think so), is standing next to Ron's chair. Zeljko closes the door. On the TV, there's a cattle stampede on an old black and white movie. In huge white letters, "1987" appears on the screen. The Year Before I Wore a Mullet. Zeljko tells the president that John Tower wants to talk to him. Nancy gets up and tells Zeljko to go on. She stands, and there are tears in her eyes. "They're beginning to talk about impeachment," Zeljko tells her. Ron is still watching TV. Nancy begins to lose it. "Impeachment?" she asks. She says they won't have the votes for it in the Senate. Zeljko knows it. Zeljko knows all. But he says that the evidence is overwhelming. Close-up on Ron, who is listening. He's played by James "Mr. Streisand" Brolin in very, very convincing makeup and hair. This is late-stage Ronnie, and he looks very red and wrinkly. He grimaces. Zeljko advises that they hire a criminal defense attorney. "He's not a criminal," says Nancy, with red-rimmed eyes. Ronnie finally speaks: "Why do I need an attorney?" Zeljko sits down and explains that he doesn't need an attorney, but that he'll want to have one. They're fun. You can get them to fetch and roll over and stuff. Most are even housetrained. Nancy thinks maybe they should have one. "We haven't done anything illegal," Ronnie says. Zeljko says that there are just so many questions. Ronnie gets a little flustered, and says that they should ask that lying bastard Oliver North who gave money to the Contras. I was nine when all this went down. I remember the videogame Contra better than I remember Iran-Contra. Nancy, emotionally, tells Ronnie that he has to talk to them. Zeljko suggests a press conference. Nancy vetoes that. She says he'll talk to the country on TV. "They got Nixon," Ronnie says bitterly. "Now they think they're gonna get me. Well, I'm not Nixon!" Nancy says that everybody knows that, but that Ronnie has to talk to the people and make them believe him. Nancy's begging and crying. Ronnie tells her to calm down and stop crying. He soothes her and lovingly says that she cries more than any woman he knows. He says she cries when they send out the laundry. Zeljko chuckles once, quickly.

Out in the hall, Zeljko tells Nancy to make sure they get an attorney. Nancy tells Zeljko that he's the only one they can trust. He puts his hands on Nancy's arms and tells her that everything will be all right. Nancy is doing that Judy Davis thing where she looks like she's about to break into twenty-five pieces.

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