MONDO EXTRAS

Camelot? Well...Not Really.

by Omar G December 15, 2003
The Reagans, Part II

The year was 1981. You could get a tank of gas for, like, $10. Former hostages were living the good life, having found that telling ladies you were once in captivity was a total turn-on. And district attorneys who'd been giving blowjobs for a dime back in 1961 were now living with scorching mouth herpes. It was a different time.

Ronald Reagan, riding the scorpion-tailed back of his wife Nancy (at least according to this biopic) has made it to the White House. Now let's see what kind of damage this puppy can do, shall we?

"1981," reads the title card, over an exterior shot of the White House and people walking past the gates in the snow. Inside, over morning tea, Nancy is with Ronnie, going over a list of the members of their new Cabinet. Or rather, Nancy is making the list and Ronnie is eating bacon. For Counselor to the President, it's Ed Meese. (Greasy Meesey, as I like to call him.) Chief of Staff is James Baker. (He's no faker!) Deputy Chief of Staff is Mike Deaver (Zeljko! All hail Zeljko!). Ronnie, chowing down on breakfast, asks what they're going to give Holmes. Horale, Holmes, we don't need shit from you, ese! Nancy is surprised by this. Ronnie says that Holmes worked hard for them. (I work hard for you, ese! Horale, holmes!) Nancy says Holmes is a car dealer. (Let me park your car, cabron. I'm a professional!) Nancy says she knows Ron wants to give other folks jobs too, but that this isn't California. It's The White House. It's not O.C.! It's The West Wing! Nancy says they need people who dress well, who are well behaved, and who look good on TV. Is Rob Lowe available? Nancy suggests Bill Casey. (His mom's not Stacy's!) Ronnie says he was considering Casey for Director of the CIA. "Nixon says he'd do an excellent job," Ronnie says. Yeah, that Nixon's great with the character references. Nancy scoffs that she hopes nobody finds out Ronnie's been talking to Nixon. Ronnie insists that Nixon is smart. Nixon is brilliant at foreign policy. And those jowls? Brilliant! Ronnie says that Nixon also likes Al Haig as Secretary of State. Nancy says that'll be the day. Al wants to be president. Ronnie cheerfully says he'll tell the guy the job's been taken. Nancy says she's made phone calls herself, and everybody (read: her astrologer) calls Haig "unstable." "Nooo, you don't want Al Haig," Nancy says, the way you'd try to talk a child out of Pixy Stix. She says that Ronnie needs someone more reasonable, like George Schultz. "Well, George Schlutz is a candy-ass," Ronnie says. You go, Ronnie! Nancy repeats it as a question. "George Schultz is a candy-ass?" Please say "candy-ass" again! Nancy asks who told Ronnie that. Nixon. Oh, that Nixon. Ronnie says that Schultz is tough on his political opponents, and Ron needs somebody tough. How about that Mike Ditka? "And that's Al Haig," Ronnie says, pointing. Nancy says, "Well, don't say I never warned you." She's smiling like she knows something we don't.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23Next

Comments

Camelot? Well...Not Really.

by Omar G December 15, 2003
The Reagans, Part II The year was 1981. You could get a tank of gas for, like, $10. Former hostages were living the good life, having found that telling ladies you were once in captivity was a total turn-on. And district attorneys who'd been giving blowjobs for a dime back in 1961 were now living with scorching mouth herpes. It was a different time. Ronald Reagan, riding the scorpion-tailed back of his wife Nancy (at least according to this biopic) has made it to the White House. Now let's see what kind of damage this puppy can do, shall we? "1981," reads the title card, over an exterior shot of the White House and people walking past the gates in the snow. Inside, over morning tea, Nancy is with Ronnie, going over a list of the members of their new Cabinet. Or rather, Nancy is making the list and Ronnie is eating bacon. For Counselor to the President, it's Ed Meese. (Greasy Meesey, as I like to call him.) Chief of Staff is James Baker. (He's no faker!) Deputy Chief of Staff is Mike Deaver (Zeljko! All hail Zeljko!). Ronnie, chowing down on breakfast, asks what they're going to give Holmes. Horale, Holmes, we don't need shit from you, ese! Nancy is surprised by this. Ronnie says that Holmes worked hard for them. (I work hard for you, ese! Horale, holmes!) Nancy says Holmes is a car dealer. (Let me park your car, cabron. I'm a professional!) Nancy says she knows Ron wants to give other folks jobs too, but that this isn't California. It's The White House. It's not O.C.! It's The West Wing! Nancy says they need people who dress well, who are well behaved, and who look good on TV. Is Rob Lowe available? Nancy suggests Bill Casey. (His mom's not Stacy's!) Ronnie says he was considering Casey for Director of the CIA. "Nixon says he'd do an excellent job," Ronnie says. Yeah, that Nixon's great with the character references. Nancy scoffs that she hopes nobody finds out Ronnie's been talking to Nixon. Ronnie insists that Nixon is smart. Nixon is brilliant at foreign policy. And those jowls? Brilliant! Ronnie says that Nixon also likes Al Haig as Secretary of State. Nancy says that'll be the day. Al wants to be president. Ronnie cheerfully says he'll tell the guy the job's been taken. Nancy says she's made phone calls herself, and everybody (read: her astrologer) calls Haig "unstable." "Nooo, you don't want Al Haig," Nancy says, the way you'd try to talk a child out of Pixy Stix. She says that Ronnie needs someone more reasonable, like George Schultz. "Well, George Schlutz is a candy-ass," Ronnie says. You go, Ronnie! Nancy repeats it as a question. "George Schultz is a candy-ass?" Please say "candy-ass" again! Nancy asks who told Ronnie that. Nixon. Oh, that Nixon. Ronnie says that Schultz is tough on his political opponents, and Ron needs somebody tough. How about that Mike Ditka? "And that's Al Haig," Ronnie says, pointing. Nancy says, "Well, don't say I never warned you." She's smiling like she knows something we don't.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP