MONDO EXTRAS

Camelot? Well...Not Really.

by Omar G December 15, 2003
The Reagans, Part II

The year was "1982." Al Haig got shitcanned. Homeless demonstrators were poor, but they had enough money to buy posterboard and make signs demanding homes. Not "holmes." Just homes. A limo pulls up to a black-tie event as the protestors yell for a nice 3-bedroom, 2-bath townhouse with a covered patio near good schools. Nancy and Ron emerge from the limo all dressed up as somebody yells about "Queen Nancy" and her $250,000 china. They ask if the food tastes good on that. Another guy -- this one in a wheelchair -- yells that Nancy's dress could feed him for the rest of his life. It depends on how much fiber is in the fabric.

Inside, it's the Gridiron show. (It's not just a Washington thing, either. Lots of journalists' organizations all over the country put on shows like this. We had one in Austin for a while, but I think people got too stressed about it and they stopped doing it.) Inside, an announcer tells the crowd that the Gridiron has been a tradition for more than a hundred years. The speaker -- who's trying awfully hard to look like Mark Twain -- says that tonight they'll roast the most powerful person in town...and her husband. Rimshot! Hey-yo! Nancy and Ronnie are at a table, and they laugh along with the crowd. Poor Man's Mark Twain says the club's motto is, "We may singe, but we never burn." Well, it's better to singe than to shoot yourself in the head, I guess. Much applause and laughter. Ronnie leans over to Nancy and tells Mommy that he thinks this is going to be the most elegant lynching they've been to in a while. Nancy doesn't look thrilled to be there.

Jump fade to later in the evening. A cross-dresser wears a red dress, a crown, and pearls, and sits on a throne as racks of clothes are separated to reveal the tableau. The faux-Nancy has on tons of jewelry and makeup. She does the Queen of England wave. Nancy seethes as everyone applauds. The song this Nancy sings goes, "Secondhand clothes, I give my secondhand clothes, to museum collectors and traveling shows." Nancy stands up suddenly and starts to walk out. "They were oh so happy that they goooooot them...." Ed Meese's wife asks Ronnie where Nancy's going. Ronnie thinks she's going to the bathroom. Nancy makes a big production out of walking through the crowd and toward the exit as faux-Nancy on stage sings about the old clothes being saggy at the bottom. Nancy even shoulders past some poor guy trying to walk down the aisle back to his seat. The crowned singer rattles off the names of famous designers. "Ronald Reagan's mother's going strictly first class!" the song continues. Much laughter and applause. While his wife is getting reamed, Ronnie seems to be having a great old time. More singing: welfare, coiffed hair, you get the gist. It's no Monica the Musical!, that's for sure. "Secondhand clothes..." the song starts up again, but this time there's another voice. Hey, it's Nancy! And she's wearing some dowdy duds, and she enters stage left and joins the performer on stage. Nancy gets a standing ovation from the stunned crowd as she belts it out. Are you sure this isn't the Judy Garland movie? Nancy's really hamming it up. She even brings out one of her gay designers to hand her a serving plate. "The china is the only thing that's new," she sings. I seriously just can't picture the real Nancy Reagan doing this. ["It really did happen, though." -- Wing Chun] The punchline after a line about a sewing machine is, "I sure hope Ed Meese sews." Ed Meese loves it. He just peed himself. Nancy shatters the dish on stage. Nancy stage-bows, and all the reporters love her. She sashays off stage. Oh, wait. Another curtain call. "Washington loves you, Nancy!" yells Wannabe Mark Twain. Nancy blows him a kiss.

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Camelot? Well...Not Really.

by Omar G December 15, 2003
The Reagans, Part II The year was "1982." Al Haig got shitcanned. Homeless demonstrators were poor, but they had enough money to buy posterboard and make signs demanding homes. Not "holmes." Just homes. A limo pulls up to a black-tie event as the protestors yell for a nice 3-bedroom, 2-bath townhouse with a covered patio near good schools. Nancy and Ron emerge from the limo all dressed up as somebody yells about "Queen Nancy" and her $250,000 china. They ask if the food tastes good on that. Another guy -- this one in a wheelchair -- yells that Nancy's dress could feed him for the rest of his life. It depends on how much fiber is in the fabric. Inside, it's the Gridiron show. (It's not just a Washington thing, either. Lots of journalists' organizations all over the country put on shows like this. We had one in Austin for a while, but I think people got too stressed about it and they stopped doing it.) Inside, an announcer tells the crowd that the Gridiron has been a tradition for more than a hundred years. The speaker -- who's trying awfully hard to look like Mark Twain -- says that tonight they'll roast the most powerful person in town...and her husband. Rimshot! Hey-yo! Nancy and Ronnie are at a table, and they laugh along with the crowd. Poor Man's Mark Twain says the club's motto is, "We may singe, but we never burn." Well, it's better to singe than to shoot yourself in the head, I guess. Much applause and laughter. Ronnie leans over to Nancy and tells Mommy that he thinks this is going to be the most elegant lynching they've been to in a while. Nancy doesn't look thrilled to be there. Jump fade to later in the evening. A cross-dresser wears a red dress, a crown, and pearls, and sits on a throne as racks of clothes are separated to reveal the tableau. The faux-Nancy has on tons of jewelry and makeup. She does the Queen of England wave. Nancy seethes as everyone applauds. The song this Nancy sings goes, "Secondhand clothes, I give my secondhand clothes, to museum collectors and traveling shows." Nancy stands up suddenly and starts to walk out. "They were oh so happy that they goooooot them...." Ed Meese's wife asks Ronnie where Nancy's going. Ronnie thinks she's going to the bathroom. Nancy makes a big production out of walking through the crowd and toward the exit as faux-Nancy on stage sings about the old clothes being saggy at the bottom. Nancy even shoulders past some poor guy trying to walk down the aisle back to his seat. The crowned singer rattles off the names of famous designers. "Ronald Reagan's mother's going strictly first class!" the song continues. Much laughter and applause. While his wife is getting reamed, Ronnie seems to be having a great old time. More singing: welfare, coiffed hair, you get the gist. It's no Monica the Musical!, that's for sure. "Secondhand clothes..." the song starts up again, but this time there's another voice. Hey, it's Nancy! And she's wearing some dowdy duds, and she enters stage left and joins the performer on stage. Nancy gets a standing ovation from the stunned crowd as she belts it out. Are you sure this isn't the Judy Garland movie? Nancy's really hamming it up. She even brings out one of her gay designers to hand her a serving plate. "The china is the only thing that's new," she sings. I seriously just can't picture the real Nancy Reagan doing this. ["It really did happen, though." -- Wing Chun] The punchline after a line about a sewing machine is, "I sure hope Ed Meese sews." Ed Meese loves it. He just peed himself. Nancy shatters the dish on stage. Nancy stage-bows, and all the reporters love her. She sashays off stage. Oh, wait. Another curtain call. "Washington loves you, Nancy!" yells Wannabe Mark Twain. Nancy blows him a kiss.

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