Pamie: Woo! WOO! CuteDean! Woo! Stee: Wow. That just never gets old for you? Pamie: CuteDean! Stee: Who? Pamie: CuteDean! Woo! Bosie: Who? Stee: The kid from...the kid from... Bosie: The one talking? Stee: Yeah, he's from...Gilmore Girls. Bosie: Oh. I don't know what that is. Stee: He's a Scientologist. Check it. Your guy had to introduce a real star. Pamie: Why don't you shut up? Stee: He didn't even get to introduce anything real. Pamie: Shut up. He's a real boy! Stee: Damn. His love is real, but he is not.
Pamie: Freddie Prinze Jr. looks like your annoying friend who's always talking about his new screenplay. Stee: He's in movies. Pamie: No, I mean, he looks like that guy you knew in college who was always going on about some boring movie he's making. Stee: Whatever. Bosie: Ew. Beyoncé looks fat in that "Bootylicious" video. Pamie: Beyoncé couldn't look fat in a fat suit. Stee: Ah. Comedy. Pamie: Man, the Teen Choice Awards are giving me a monstrous headache. Stee: Yeah, me too. At least Shaggy hasn't performed yet. Pamie: Oh, my God. Is he going to? Is he going to close the show? Fuck. Bosie: We can fast-forward that, though, right? Stee: Yeah. Pamie: Such a headache.Jennifer Lopez wins and gets Choice Dance Track, too. She tells us that she feels lucky. They show her sad man who gets no mention, and she leaves. Perfect boyfriend for her. Totally in her shadow.
Pamie: I feel like doing my Adam Sandler impression again.
Stee: Confuse Fyvush Finkel!
Pamie: Take him to karaoke and you'll have fun for hours!
Stee: Pretend you're The Fifties calling!
Ben Affleck wins. He's there! They let him out of the drunk tank. He looks all fucked up and sad, his shirt crumpled. (He also accepts for the Choice Movie.) His speech is just basically saying he wasn't going to be there but, you know, the kid audience is important, so why not? People scream.
Stee: He's drunk.
Pamie: Look, Sean Patrick Thomas is sad he lost Choice Actor.
Stee: Is this like, the day before he went into rehab?
Pamie: I think this is what drove him over there. Rode on the surfboard and checked the fuck in.
Stee: I think this must be after he entered. But nobody knew, right? None of these kids know about him in rehab because they've got their faces in their Playstation 2s all day. They don't know current events.
Pamie: Quit being old, Stee.
Tyrese and Sisqo intro Choice Female Artist. Tyrese has flowers for whatever girl wins. Sisqo just has a Band-Aid. No, he also has candy. Christina Aguilera. Pink. Jessica Simpson. Britney Spears.
Pamie: Is that Seal?
Stee: That's Tyrese.
Pamie: Is he the new Seal?
Stee: Sisqo has skin cancer. Face cancer. Cancer of the face.
Pamie: You keep saying.
Stee: Remember when you used to like Christina?
Pamie: I know. I'm so embarrassed.
Stee: And I would yell at you.
Stee: She did. And I'd tell her, "Britney is better."
Bosie: Christina Aguilera? She's a nasty skank whore.
Stee: Yes, she is a nasty skank whore.
Pamie: I liked her for that element.
Stee: I like Jessica Simpson because she's a nasty skank whore.
Stee: She looks like it to me.
Bosie: You like Britney Spears because you're a gross old dirty man.
Pamie: She just met you, too.
Britney wins. Britney and Justin do the obligatory half-hearted kiss for the camera. Eden's Crush is holding a sign reading, "Britney." Weird. Britney gets up, basically says, "Fuck off," and leaves. They show Britney and Justin engaging the fakest kiss since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.