Stee: Hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt! Why the long face? Bosie: Ha! Stee: Ha! Woo! I rule! Pamie: "Hi, everybody! I thought maybe my Teen Choice Awards Invitation got lost in the mail, so I thought I'd just show up since I know you meant to invite me because I'm Love!" Bosie: Goddamn. She looks fucked up. Stee: Hee. Bosie: God. I hate him. I didn't even go see any of his movies anymore. Not even Big Daddy. But Chris Rock, now, he's funny. Stee: But Adam Sandler's going to win because he's there. Bosie: Well, shit.Adam Sandler wins. It's the first ever of this award. History! He takes out a four-page note, and reads it in his baby talk. *NSYNC think this is funny; how -- when we've been hearing him do this shit since Remote Control? He talks about teens and how kids used to be kids and now they have puberty too early and then reads a poem saying you should stay pre-pubescent. He talks about "fuzzy-wuzzies." He continues. He continues. It. Goes. On. He pretends he has no pubic hair and he's still a kid. He says he has a "hair-free willy" and walks off to bewildered applause.
Stee: I hope you're saving your money, Adam. Pamie: "I am timeless!" Stee: Aren't we done? We're done! Pamie: Come on, he's funny. Stee: No. Bosie: Kids are just screaming for puberty out there. Stee: What? Pamie: What is he talking about? Bosie: Pubic hair. Pamie: Great. Stee: They just screamed for "thirty-four years old." Pamie: And because he shaves his pubes? Stee: Ew. Oh, God. Adam. For real. Pamie: He doesn't want little kids to have sex. Like Shaggy telling people to Make Love. Stee: You're defending Adam Sandler by bringing up Shaggy?
Stee: I can't do the Shaggy again.
Pamie: That's not the same guy singing the song, is it?
Stee: No. That guy probably wanted actual credit for singing the song "Angel."
Bosie: He's bombing. He's got a good voice, though.
Bosie: I mean, it's a voice nobody else has. You know?
Bosie: Shut up.
Pamie: Oh, my goodness! He's got to let that girl in the audience go! No! Illegal! Illegal! He can't touch teens like that, can he? No!
Stee: I want to go home now.
Pamie: He's so gross!
Stee: "Oh, my God! Shaggy called me up again! Oh, my God!"
Pamie: "Oh, my God! Well, a lot has happened to me since I was last seen getting molested by Shaggy at Teenapalooza! Oh, my God!"
Stee: "Oh, my God! My daddy says I'm a lot more popular at school now that he's paying for everyone! Oh, my God!"
Pamie: "Oh, my God! And we don't do nearly as much coke out of my asshole as we used to because Stee got all uppity about me talking about it! Oh, my God!"
Bosie: Those girls were not just picked out of the audience and put into those costumes.
Stee: Yeah, they were. They just wanted to watch the show. Oh, wait. No. They all have the same hair. And the same shoes.
Bosie: Who's learning about the tooth fairy now?
Stee: Shut up.
Pamie: "Oh, my God! Shaggy totally loves me!"
Stee: That is a different guy singing.
Stee: And this is it, right? We're done with Shaggy now, right?
Pamie: You can hear all of this clapping and screaming, but when the camera pans over the audience nobody's moving.
Stee: That was Choice Love Song. Sensitive Lyrics.
Now Shaggy gets an award and says, "I'd just like to say, special tanks..." and then he stops himself, realizing he can drop the faux-Jamaican shit, and says, "special thanks." It's fucking funny. Then he tells us what a "beautiful" love song he just sang, and ends by telling all the twelve-year-olds in the audience, "Just make love. Just make a lot of love." Brilliant. Adam Sandler claps. Commercials.
Stee: "Special tanks"! Douche.
Bosie: Is Adam Sandler going to win an award?