Bosie: I don't need Jennifer Love Hewitt to tell me how to live. Stee: I was about to have sex and do some crack, but then I remembered what Jennifer Love Hewitt said. She said to make smart choices. I'm gonna do that. Pamie: My eye hurts. I have a headache in my eye. I think the Teen Choice Awards just gave me strep and mono. Stee: We're done. We're done. Any last words? Pamie: Kill me. Stee: Okay, stop the tape. I can't listen anymore. Pamie: Kill me. Stee: Turn it off. Pamie: Kill. Stee: Santana's dead. What do you have to say about it. Pamie: Really? Stee: No. Pamie: This just in: Teen Choice Awards are out, and the VMA's are in! Woo!
Bosie: Why is he there, then?
Stee: His last movie tanked. Oh, no! No!
Pamie: I'm sorry, I thought it would be over.
Stee: This isn't over yet!
Pamie: I really thought Shaggy would be closing this out.
Stee: Fuck. This is never going to end. My head hurts.
Pamie: Mine too.
Now comes Mya and City High. Mya asks us whether we're ready to go home. Yes. God, yes. Some girl tries to say "Millennium," but can't. Hee. They give out Choice Pop Group. Backstreet Boys. Destiny's Child. *NSYNC. O-Town.
Pamie: Oh, my head!
Stee: I can't stop yawning.
Pamie: We haven't seen Destiny's Child take anything yet. O-Town's not there. They're No-Town.
It's Destiny's Child. They actually act surprised. Like, for real. Hee. *NSYNC stands up for them. They go up in their crocheted and denimed terribleness. The girls say they were actually surprised, and they baby-talk to each other, "You're the supermodel." Oh, Lord. They thank God and then say, "How many Survivors we got up here in the house?" and then ask us to sing "Survivor" with them. They sing, "I'm a..." and then we sing -- for two verses of the chorus this goes on. People don't know the lyrics. Hee. They walk off in shame.
Pamie: Why are the Backstreet Boys there? They didn't win anything.
Bosie: Oh, God. These girls are so fucking stupid.
Stee: This just in: denim is now out.
Pamie: Denim was in two hours ago, and now it's out.
Stee: So's Velcro and crochet.
Pamie: Oh, no.
Bosie: So fucking stupid!
Stee: A call and response for "Survivor."
Stee: Nobody knew the words to the song.
Jennifer Love Hewitt. She talks about boys with cute butts, and if you don't have a cute butt, she says, girls also like funny guys. Choice Comedian. Adam Sandler. Chris Rock. Rob Schneider. Chris Kattan.
Stee: Hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt! Why the long face?
Stee: Ha! Woo! I rule!
Pamie: "Hi, everybody! I thought maybe my Teen Choice Awards Invitation got lost in the mail, so I thought I'd just show up since I know you meant to invite me because I'm Love!"