These are people I see as a threat. Then there are the ones I don't. There's the guy whose claim to fame is his ability to meow like a cat. Unbidden, he says "meow" in a thoroughly unconvincing falsetto while Lorelai says, "Next." There's the guy who stands up and says, "My name's _______, and I'm an alcoholic." Half the room says, "Hi, _______." I hold off because I'm not sure about the pronunciation of _______. Lorelai says, "Someone always does that" while she makes a mark on her clipboard and mentally composes her résumé cover letter to Bunim-Murray. A guy who makes Mr. Spock sound like a morning radio DJ tells us he works with emotionally disturbed children to "Bring. Them. Back. To. Nor. Mal. I. Ty." Yeah, good luck with that, Mr. Roboto. Domo arigato for playing. Another guy proudly announces to the room that he's wearing the Weakest Link "uniform" of black pants and a blue shirt. Obviously he's seen the show a lot more than I have, because my shirt's burgundy. One guy does a booty dance. Hey, dude, Singled Out got cancelled. Someone else ends his introduction, "And I am not the weakest link." Lorelai tells him, "Hey, that's really original. I've never heard that before." She's so my girlfriend.
Oh, you want to know what I said. Fine. "My name is M. Giant, I'm thirty-one, I'm from Minneapolis, I'm a call-center analyst and part-time freelance writer, and when I get home I'm going to write a snarky MBTV article about this experience that makes fun of all of you." No, I'm kidding. I didn't really say that. I used my real name.
Back to the present tense. I start getting impatient at around number 68, because I've finished filling out my registration form and I'm ready to move on. 150 people at ten seconds each comes out to twenty-five minutes. If you think that that ten-second rule actually gets enforced, then I'd like you to send me some money now, please. I'm not sure how long the whole process lasts, because I lose track of how many times the sun rises and sets. I could have walked to L.A. for the taping by now.
Speaking of which, it's finally time for (cue heavenly choir music) The Test. Lorelai hands the meeting over to Brad, who steps forward to read the questions. If you're like me, this is the part you've been waiting for. Here are the twenty questions: