MONDO EXTRAS

Disclaimer: There is absolutely no Tyra in this show, which means it is distinctly lacking true true beauty.

Some chick with a broadcast-y meteorologist voice informs us that we're about to "meet ten people who think they're the most attractive people in America." We get a nice li'l look at some incredibly modest and gorgeous men and women who are convinced they're tens and twenties, respectively. Let's all try to use the same scale when we're talking about our superhuman looks here, mkah? Just to save the confusion? The blonde chick from the promos (you know, the one who goes "Huh?" almost as awesomely as Britney) shows up looking like a blonder, trashier Elizabeth Taylor in her prime. The peppy dumbass voiceover informs us that all of these beautiful specimens will be asked to face challenges and perform tasks while being followed by hidden cameras and judged for their true human spirit by a panel of judges that includes "celebrity fashion expert" Nolé Marin, former über-pin up Cheryl Tiegs and "me, Al Franken!" No, I'm just playin! The voiceover reveals herself to be former Miss Teen U.S.A. and Nick Lachey's hump bunny Vanessa Minnillo. Because these three people are all known for their humanitarian efforts.

Each week, one of the contestants will be ousted for bad behavior and forced to watch footage of themselves being a-holes. The winner will win $100,000, which obviously they'll use to build a school in a rural African village. They'll also get their mug in People mag. Hoorah!

Vanessa and her fellow judges pow-wow in a tricked-out little area called the "spy room," I'm guessing because of the presence of a wall of monitors from which they'll presumably watch the wannabes unawares. Minnillo explains that their ten targets are right this moment convening at a private pool party in the Hollywood Hills. A bunch of candy-colored cars pulls up and first out is a pretty brunette swimsuit model named Laura, who tells us that she likes to command attention. Next up is Billy from Idaho, who is a dead ringer for Outzone Ken and announces that he owns and operates his very own vitamin store. What ambition! OH, and he's a Chippendale dancer. So in other words, he is gay. Then we have "student" Monique, who considers herself a natural beauty. Listen, bitch. Just because you have close-cropped hair instead of some natty weave doesn't make you "natural," okay? She is apparently into the androgenous thing. Inside the party, at the VIP table (which appears to be sporting a spread of crudités and assorted dips), Billy and Laura are basking in each others' gorgeousness. Monique comes in and introduces herself, revealing that she just graduated with a degree in biology but is now using her educational background to "club dance." Hmmm, I suppose being able to administer your very own STD tests comes in handy at some of the hotter clubs.

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