Before we go to commercial, Minnillo teases us with the upcoming segment, in which "science and beauty collide." We see the Hot Squad talking to some science-y dude in a lab coat who says he's going to take their face and their body and compare it to a set of proportions to see how their number stack up. We also get a glimpse of Cheryl Tiegs being really disappointed when someone acts douchey in front of the hidden cameras. I can barely contain myself!
Back at Casa De Beauty, everyone is continuing to primp. Laura, dressed like she's going to a costume party as Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, makes a big show of washing a dish while Billy slobbers all over her. Because when you're incredibly good looking, you don't know how water works. Julia and Chelsea fight over bathroom space and Chelsea shit-talks to Hadiyyah-Lah about how fake and bitchy Julia is. She THs that "in this competition, pageant faces aren't gonna cut it." Neither are hagsville drunk peroxide mugs, I hate to say. Magically, Minnillo shows up in the living room to explain to the assembled hotties that over the next eight weeks she and her fellow judges will be putting the group through a series of challenges and judging them on their beauty, but that today, they'll be leaving it all up to science. She goes on to explain that there's an equation that measures physical beauty and they're all going to get evaluated according to these formulas to come up with their respective beauty scores. Chelsea is understandably freaked out, because there's only so much pancake makeup and a cheap dye job can do. She THs that her nemesis Julia is all smiles, but she ain't got nothing on her and her "celebrity face." Come to think of it, Chelsea does sort of resemble Gary Busey. Minnillo tells everyone that the person with the highest beauty score will be safe from elimination but the bottom two will have to face the judges in the "hall of beauty" for possible ousting. She tells them that their beauty bus awaits. Turns out, the beauty bus is a stretch SUV, which means that there are countless beauty buses clogging up the streets of suburban New Jersey around prom time every year. I'm learning so much from this show!
As the hapless hotties pile into their chariot, Minnillo voice-overs that the contestants aren't just going to be measured, they'll also be facing their next secret challenge. Sneaky!
In the waiting room, Laura asks Ray what he does. Chelsea, who doesn't appreciate it when the topic of conversation isn't her, makes fun of Laura's accent, which causes Joel to jump in and get bitchy with her. (He's still not over her unfriendly response to his amazing drumming skills!) Joel decides to be "straight up" with Chelsea by telling her he doesn't like her. But before the shit can really fly, Dr. Palmer, so-called beauty expert, shows up to talk to everyone about his method of measuring beauty. He says he's going to take their measurements and compare them to an ideal set of shapes, proportions and angles to determine their beauty number. He introduces his assistant Debbie, whom Minnillo voice-overs is actually a plant who will try to get a rise out of the contestants.