True Beauty Premiere

by Lauren Gitlin January 6, 2009
Winter Pilot Season: True Beauty

Back at the ranch, Joel THs that he's pretty confident he's going to win this challenge because he is perfect in every way. Except for the way that you're a malicious, misogynist Guido. The judges show up and re-explain the conditions of the challenge. Hadiyyah-Lah THs that she's sure she won't be going home, as Minnillo explains that any score over 85 is considered good-looking, and any one over 95 is star quality. She asks Ray and Monique to step forward. Nolé informs Ray that the doctor said he has a bit of a thin lip but spectacular cheek bones and an incredible eye color. Minnillo tells him his score was 92 and therefore he's safe. She tells Monique that her score is 91.

Next up are Ashley and CJ. Ashley's final beauty score is 94. Meanwhile, CJ is shaking his head, and Cheryl calls him out on it, so he explains that he thinks the whole thing is an irritating load of BS. Funny, that's how I feel about this show! He gets suuuuper defensive and says that the business of measuring beauty disgusts him. I'm not even gonna dignify that hypocritical nonsense with a "no you did not." Oh, wait. Minnillo tells him that for what it's worth, his score is 94, and he cracks a self-satisfied smile. What a faker!

Billy and Joel (hey! Look what they did there!) step up next, and Cheryl tells Billy that the doctor said he has thin lips but an amazing physique considering his age. Way to serve up a back-handed compliment Cheryl. Nolé tells Joel that the doc says he's as close to perfect as Brad Pitt and in the background Chelsea feigns shock. Minnillo announces that the two beefcakes tied for first place with 95.

Minnillo calls the remaining four up and tells Laura that with a score of 94, she's safe. She then informs Hadiyyah-Lah (Jesus that's an annoying name to type), Chelsea and Julia all lack a certain symmetry in their faces. Chelsea THs that she doesn't give a hell about symmetry, she knows she ain't ugly! Whatever you say, Hatchetface! Minnillo announces that nevertheless, Julia has a score of 91 and is safe. The remaining two each affect exasperated disbelief as Minnillo tells them they'll be facing elimination in the hall of beauty. Hadiyyah-Lah then starts to lose it, saying that "this is stupid anyway," and starting to cry, which is an even worse look for her busted-ass face. Sore loser much?

HL retires to her room and insists that she's not sad, she's pissed because she knows she is beautiful, no matter what that stupid doctor's test says. Paris Hilton can be totally sure that she doesn't have herpes no matter what her GYN says, but that doesn't make it any less true, Miss Thang. CJ tries to comfort her by saying that she has much more than just her looks, which is probably the worst thing you can say to a person who has come onto a reality show the premise of which is evaluating someone's physical beauty. CJ, you fail! Before the commersh, Minnillo teases the final segment, which promises that a final challenge could save one of the two ugliest hos from elimination.

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