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Alias
"My name's not Michael Vaughn." Who the? What the? How the? WHAAAAAT?

Yes, there was more to this season than that last line of the final episode, but, fortunately, the overwhelming glare of the revelation that Michael Vaughn is not who we thought he was completely erased most of this craptacular season from our addled little minds.

Let's just sum it up, shall we? No Will, barely any Sark, a transparently good Sloane, a mother-murdering Jack, a pretty-but-unnecessary half sister, an aging-but-evil Derevko who looked nothing like EITHER one of her sisters and failed to pull off ANY kind of Russian accent, little or no chemistry between Vaughn and Sydney, a manufactured romance between Nadia and Weiss, a teeny tiny whirligig of death and destruction, vampires, a Sloane Clone, melty-faced scientists, and, to top it all off, the welcome reappearance of Lena Fucking Olin, shortly followed by the unwelcome realization that she was only appearing in two goddamn episodes. Yeah, it doesn't really reflect well on a season when Lena Olin can show up and put all the other episodes to shame with just a well-timed flick of her honey-fied hair.

And when you wrap it all up with "My name's not Michael Vaughn" and a hideous car-crash cliffhanger, you're just BEGGING us to forget about the previous twenty-one episodes and laughing like hell because now we have no choice but to tune in for the next bloody season. The one saving grace is that the next bloody season might just be the LAST bloody season. Oh, and just for good measure: Shut up, Sydney. -- Erin

The Amazing Race
Believe it or not, TAR packed three full seasons into what is classified as the 2004-2005 season. And while it would be all kinds of fun to revisit Boston Rob's evasion of the Meatblock, or to talk about Freddy eating his own puke, we can't help reaching all the way back to TAR5, because nothing -- and we do mean nothing -- is going to beat Colin's hysterical "MY OX IS BROKEN! THIS IS BULLSHIT!" line for a long, long time. Angry, muddy, alternately screaming at his girlfriend and cursing the heavens, Colin showed us that you don't have to be a crazy-ass reality-show contestant to humiliate yourself on television, but it helps. -- Miss Alli

America's Next Top Model
As Tyra and Co. continued on their quest to make us replace the perfectly fine descriptive term "seasons" with the ever more menstrual "cycle," viewers were treated to two full runs of this getting-guiltier-with-age pleasure. Cycle 3 peaked during the casting special as Amanda's revelation of legal blindness along with semi-finalist Tiffany's barfight blew our minds in the best of ways. Sadly, all the lesbian subtext in the world couldn't live up to the promise of "Bitch poured beer in my weave," and porcine-nosed and -named Eva Pigford's victory was something of an anticlimax (even though it meant the satisfying defeat of one Fucking Yaya). However, the clever folks at Top Model knew a good thing when they saw it, and Cycle 4 begat the return of a kindler, gentler Tiffany/BeerWeave. For this inspired bit of casting we were thankful, if only because we got to see Tyra whipped into a murderous (yet hilarious!) rage at Tiffany's blasé attitude upon her elimination. This highlight trumped a fainting spell, clown-hued afro, flesh-eating bacteria scare, Tyra/Janice Dickinson makeout session, and bland yet pretty Naima's victory as the season's apex. Until we meet again, bitches. Until we meet again. -- Potes

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Mondo Extra
TWoP Staff Round-Up

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
TWoP Staff Round-Up

Alias
"My name's not Michael Vaughn." Who the? What the? How the? WHAAAAAT?

Yes, there was more to this season than that last line of the final episode, but, fortunately, the overwhelming glare of the revelation that Michael Vaughn is not who we thought he was completely erased most of this craptacular season from our addled little minds.

Let's just sum it up, shall we? No Will, barely any Sark, a transparently good Sloane, a mother-murdering Jack, a pretty-but-unnecessary half sister, an aging-but-evil Derevko who looked nothing like EITHER one of her sisters and failed to pull off ANY kind of Russian accent, little or no chemistry between Vaughn and Sydney, a manufactured romance between Nadia and Weiss, a teeny tiny whirligig of death and destruction, vampires, a Sloane Clone, melty-faced scientists, and, to top it all off, the welcome reappearance of Lena Fucking Olin, shortly followed by the unwelcome realization that she was only appearing in two goddamn episodes. Yeah, it doesn't really reflect well on a season when Lena Olin can show up and put all the other episodes to shame with just a well-timed flick of her honey-fied hair.

And when you wrap it all up with "My name's not Michael Vaughn" and a hideous car-crash cliffhanger, you're just BEGGING us to forget about the previous twenty-one episodes and laughing like hell because now we have no choice but to tune in for the next bloody season. The one saving grace is that the next bloody season might just be the LAST bloody season. Oh, and just for good measure: Shut up, Sydney. -- Erin

The Amazing Race
Believe it or not, TAR packed three full seasons into what is classified as the 2004-2005 season. And while it would be all kinds of fun to revisit Boston Rob's evasion of the Meatblock, or to talk about Freddy eating his own puke, we can't help reaching all the way back to TAR5, because nothing -- and we do mean nothing -- is going to beat Colin's hysterical "MY OX IS BROKEN! THIS IS BULLSHIT!" line for a long, long time. Angry, muddy, alternately screaming at his girlfriend and cursing the heavens, Colin showed us that you don't have to be a crazy-ass reality-show contestant to humiliate yourself on television, but it helps. -- Miss Alli

America's Next Top Model
As Tyra and Co. continued on their quest to make us replace the perfectly fine descriptive term "seasons" with the ever more menstrual "cycle," viewers were treated to two full runs of this getting-guiltier-with-age pleasure. Cycle 3 peaked during the casting special as Amanda's revelation of legal blindness along with semi-finalist Tiffany's barfight blew our minds in the best of ways. Sadly, all the lesbian subtext in the world couldn't live up to the promise of "Bitch poured beer in my weave," and porcine-nosed and -named Eva Pigford's victory was something of an anticlimax (even though it meant the satisfying defeat of one Fucking Yaya). However, the clever folks at Top Model knew a good thing when they saw it, and Cycle 4 begat the return of a kindler, gentler Tiffany/BeerWeave. For this inspired bit of casting we were thankful, if only because we got to see Tyra whipped into a murderous (yet hilarious!) rage at Tiffany's blasé attitude upon her elimination. This highlight trumped a fainting spell, clown-hued afro, flesh-eating bacteria scare, Tyra/Janice Dickinson makeout session, and bland yet pretty Naima's victory as the season's apex. Until we meet again, bitches. Until we meet again. -- Potes

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