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TWoP Staff Special Achievement Awards

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TWoP Staff Special Achievement Awards

Because really, Marg Helgenberger, at least there the writers can come up with a plausible reason for your lips' increasing size and your face's corresponding decrease in mobility. -- Sobell

The "But She Has Such Good Hair" Award
Kim Raver, who made us hate her almost instantly on Turd Watch, did it again on 24 -- in addition to her enviably braidable locks, she also sported her by-now-customary nostrils-flared bitchface; a quavery tears-in-her-throat voice; and the consummate lack of professionalism we've come to expect from nepotastic Department of Defense functionaries who seem to have all the necessary passwords and clearances despite having stuck their personal lives in a blender. We don't dislike Raver, believe it or not, but it seems like she's always playing a neurotic, annoying whimperball, and we really want her agent to get her onto Alias, where she can either kick herself some ass or get shot up real good. -- Sars

The "Chris Carter Even Ruins Shows He's Not Involved With" Award
Do the creators of Lost really have a plan for the series? They have said they do, and we're inclined to believe them, but a lot of other people have heard that before and got burned. So we're giving out two awards here: One for Chris Carter for turning people off the slow-burn resolution; and another for the people letting Chris Carter ruin some pretty refreshing TV for them. -- Glark

Best Hoodwinkage of a Midwestern Town Full of Yokels, Old Men, and Earnest Shatner Fans
Spike TV's Invasion Iowa -- Keckler

Meanest Trick Played on a Midwestern Town Full of Yokels, Old Men, and Earnest Shatner Fans
Spike TV's Invasion Iowa -- Keckler

The Golden Gobstopper Award for Gobsmackage
I've never seen anyone do anything so ballsy as when William Shatner sauntered into a diner, picked a hamburger off a local yokel's plate, and started eating it in Invasion Iowa. If the local yokel hadn't been completely toothless and totally nonplussed by the star's girthy gall, he might have bitten him. -- Keckler

Bitchiest Food Critic
It comes down to the two Harvard bitches on Iron Chef: America, Jeffrey Steingarten and Mo Rocca. However, since Jeffrey publicly ripped Giada "Little Big Head" Laurentiis's poached rabbit a new one at a chef panel and routinely gets off on insulting his fellow judges' palates, and Mo Rocca never really contributes anything more than thinking he's funnier than he actually is, this award will have to go to The Man Who Ate Everything. Jeffrey, you're a bitch, but you know food. -- Keckler

Best American Iron Chef

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TWoP Staff Special Achievement Awards

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
TWoP Staff Special Achievement Awards

Because really, Marg Helgenberger, at least there the writers can come up with a plausible reason for your lips' increasing size and your face's corresponding decrease in mobility. -- Sobell

The "But She Has Such Good Hair" Award
Kim Raver, who made us hate her almost instantly on Turd Watch, did it again on 24 -- in addition to her enviably braidable locks, she also sported her by-now-customary nostrils-flared bitchface; a quavery tears-in-her-throat voice; and the consummate lack of professionalism we've come to expect from nepotastic Department of Defense functionaries who seem to have all the necessary passwords and clearances despite having stuck their personal lives in a blender. We don't dislike Raver, believe it or not, but it seems like she's always playing a neurotic, annoying whimperball, and we really want her agent to get her onto Alias, where she can either kick herself some ass or get shot up real good. -- Sars

The "Chris Carter Even Ruins Shows He's Not Involved With" Award
Do the creators of Lost really have a plan for the series? They have said they do, and we're inclined to believe them, but a lot of other people have heard that before and got burned. So we're giving out two awards here: One for Chris Carter for turning people off the slow-burn resolution; and another for the people letting Chris Carter ruin some pretty refreshing TV for them. -- Glark

Best Hoodwinkage of a Midwestern Town Full of Yokels, Old Men, and Earnest Shatner Fans
Spike TV's Invasion Iowa -- Keckler

Meanest Trick Played on a Midwestern Town Full of Yokels, Old Men, and Earnest Shatner Fans
Spike TV's Invasion Iowa -- Keckler

The Golden Gobstopper Award for Gobsmackage
I've never seen anyone do anything so ballsy as when William Shatner sauntered into a diner, picked a hamburger off a local yokel's plate, and started eating it in Invasion Iowa. If the local yokel hadn't been completely toothless and totally nonplussed by the star's girthy gall, he might have bitten him. -- Keckler

Bitchiest Food Critic
It comes down to the two Harvard bitches on Iron Chef: America, Jeffrey Steingarten and Mo Rocca. However, since Jeffrey publicly ripped Giada "Little Big Head" Laurentiis's poached rabbit a new one at a chef panel and routinely gets off on insulting his fellow judges' palates, and Mo Rocca never really contributes anything more than thinking he's funnier than he actually is, this award will have to go to The Man Who Ate Everything. Jeffrey, you're a bitch, but you know food. -- Keckler

Best American Iron Chef

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Next

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