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Val By The NUMB3Rs

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Gay Perry Mason

Val Kilmer is a movie star. He's played Batman. He made $9 million for At First Sight. (No, seriously, he did.) So when it was announced that he would have a recurring role on CBS's NUMB3RS as criminal mastermind Mason Lancer (again: seriously), we wondered how this could have happened. NUMB3RS isn't a terribly buzzy show. It airs in the TV dead zone of Friday nights, ensuring that its audience is made up of babysitters and the incontinent elderly. It's about math. Sure, Val Kilmer isn't quite the big-screen draw he once was, but he had kind of a career renaissance with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. And sure, he has a reputation as kind of a dick, but that hasn't really hurt Russell Crowe...much. And sure, Kilmer has a relationship with NUMB3RS executive producer Tony Scott, his Top Gun director. But we feel that those can't be the only reasons he took the gig, and have come up with some other ideas.

Agent misread title of project as Will0w

Tony Scott misheard an underling, thought he was hiring the guy from Van Wilder

Role he'll be playing involves several bat-themed accessories

He's heard of Kabbalah

He has a letter of reference promising that he's no longer difficult to work with, signed by Oliver Stone

Role in Willow prepared him for working with tiny wee actors

Was only mathlete in Juilliard's storied history

Nobody else from cast of Top Secret available

Monster.com listing for role specified that applicant must have experience playing Jim Morrison

He's really good at Sudoku

Subplot already written for calculating the volume of a secondary character's lips

Has naked pictures of Judd Hirsch

Just beabucus

Wanted to counteract overly virile reputation acquired playing John Holmes in Wonderland

Lost bet to Peter MacNicol about whether he could calculate pi to the last digit

Math consultant on show mistakenly interpreted snort of "that's so derivative" as interest in part

Like Charlie Eppes, is a Real Genius

Recent photos show he is a fan of pi

Enjoys dividends

Feelers sent out to Russell Crowe were met with a crunchy beating

Has a lot of experience in finding the mean

Is the square root of awesome

Once marketed a baby brain food energy drink called Quadratic Formula

Recent film roles indicate he is familiar with the concept of "lowest common denominator"

Was promised opportunity for two Iceman teeth snaps per episode

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Mondo Extra

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Mondo Extra
Val By The NUMB3Rs

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Gay Perry Mason

Val Kilmer is a movie star. He's played Batman. He made $9 million for At First Sight. (No, seriously, he did.) So when it was announced that he would have a recurring role on CBS's NUMB3RS as criminal mastermind Mason Lancer (again: seriously), we wondered how this could have happened. NUMB3RS isn't a terribly buzzy show. It airs in the TV dead zone of Friday nights, ensuring that its audience is made up of babysitters and the incontinent elderly. It's about math. Sure, Val Kilmer isn't quite the big-screen draw he once was, but he had kind of a career renaissance with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. And sure, he has a reputation as kind of a dick, but that hasn't really hurt Russell Crowe...much. And sure, Kilmer has a relationship with NUMB3RS executive producer Tony Scott, his Top Gun director. But we feel that those can't be the only reasons he took the gig, and have come up with some other ideas.

Agent misread title of project as Will0w

Tony Scott misheard an underling, thought he was hiring the guy from Van Wilder

Role he'll be playing involves several bat-themed accessories

He's heard of Kabbalah

He has a letter of reference promising that he's no longer difficult to work with, signed by Oliver Stone

Role in Willow prepared him for working with tiny wee actors

Was only mathlete in Juilliard's storied history

Nobody else from cast of Top Secret available

Monster.com listing for role specified that applicant must have experience playing Jim Morrison

He's really good at Sudoku

Subplot already written for calculating the volume of a secondary character's lips

Has naked pictures of Judd Hirsch

Just beabucus

Wanted to counteract overly virile reputation acquired playing John Holmes in Wonderland

Lost bet to Peter MacNicol about whether he could calculate pi to the last digit

Math consultant on show mistakenly interpreted snort of "that's so derivative" as interest in part

Like Charlie Eppes, is a Real Genius

Recent photos show he is a fan of pi

Enjoys dividends

Feelers sent out to Russell Crowe were met with a crunchy beating

Has a lot of experience in finding the mean

Is the square root of awesome

Once marketed a baby brain food energy drink called Quadratic Formula

Recent film roles indicate he is familiar with the concept of "lowest common denominator"

Was promised opportunity for two Iceman teeth snaps per episode

1 2Next

Mondo Extra

Comments

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