MONDO EXTRAS

So, it's been banned from MTV and VH-1. But it's been played everywhere else. It's only banned because that makes Guy Ritchie look better and Madonna look cooler. And, also, it may be one more topic of conversation for Madonna and Ritchie to discuss while they split up their CD collection during the inevitable breakup in about six months. Anyway. The video. Here it is.

"Girls can wear jeans," the song begins. Madonna is sitting on a bed with her head down. She's got short blonde hair. Then she's putting on lipstick, staring at herself in a mirror. She fixes her hair. Madonna speaks in a Germanic accent. First Michigan. Then Brooklyn. Then English. Now German. Of course, this woman talking could not really be Madonna. ["It's not; it's Charlotte Gainsbourg." -- Wing Chun] But then again, these days Madonna could not really be Madonna, and who would know? Okay. So, your typical post-forty Madonna dance beat comes in. This could be any song of hers from the past five years. If it wasn't for gay men, where would Madonna be, huh?

Cut to some old lady's old-lady hands. She's working on a puzzle. Close-up on the woman trying to figure out the puzzle. She's old. Old people do puzzles, we suppose, in Ritchie's world. Old people are funny in Ritchie's word. Ritchie is a bad-ass in Ritchie's world. Too bad you can't tell the difference between Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Otherwise, we might give him a few props.

Madonna puts on a giant dangly earring that reads "Lady." She fixes herself. She puts on a spiked heel. She shuts a suitcase that looks like it's filled with panties. Madonna picks up the suitcase and walks out. She's wearing all black, down to her gloves.

Madonna walks down some stairs to a fancy yellow car. She opens the car door, suspiciously looks around, throws the suitcase inside, and then gets in.

The old lady is still looking for a puzzle piece. She looks up and some black orderly is grabbing her roughly by the shoulder, forcing her to stand. She's not done with her puzzle yet. This is unsettling. Will the puzzle go unfinished? Or will some other pushy resident sit down and finish it for the old lady? Man, it sucks to be old.

Madonna hotwires the car just as the song says, for the first time, "What it feels like for a girl."

The car backs up. The license plate on the front reads: "Pussy." The car turns around. The plate on the back says, "Cat." Man, we want that license plate.

The yellow car is driving around. Madonna is at the wheel, looking like she's at peace. She puts her arm out the window. She forms a gun with her fingers and shoots. Pamie just read about that signal in the California Driver's Handbook. That means, "Drive-By Shooting While Turning Left."

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So, it's been banned from MTV and VH-1. But it's been played everywhere else. It's only banned because that makes Guy Ritchie look better and Madonna look cooler. And, also, it may be one more topic of conversation for Madonna and Ritchie to discuss while they split up their CD collection during the inevitable breakup in about six months. Anyway. The video. Here it is. "Girls can wear jeans," the song begins. Madonna is sitting on a bed with her head down. She's got short blonde hair. Then she's putting on lipstick, staring at herself in a mirror. She fixes her hair. Madonna speaks in a Germanic accent. First Michigan. Then Brooklyn. Then English. Now German. Of course, this woman talking could not really be Madonna. ["It's not; it's Charlotte Gainsbourg." -- Wing Chun] But then again, these days Madonna could not really be Madonna, and who would know? Okay. So, your typical post-forty Madonna dance beat comes in. This could be any song of hers from the past five years. If it wasn't for gay men, where would Madonna be, huh? Cut to some old lady's old-lady hands. She's working on a puzzle. Close-up on the woman trying to figure out the puzzle. She's old. Old people do puzzles, we suppose, in Ritchie's world. Old people are funny in Ritchie's word. Ritchie is a bad-ass in Ritchie's world. Too bad you can't tell the difference between Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Otherwise, we might give him a few props. Madonna puts on a giant dangly earring that reads "Lady." She fixes herself. She puts on a spiked heel. She shuts a suitcase that looks like it's filled with panties. Madonna picks up the suitcase and walks out. She's wearing all black, down to her gloves. Madonna walks down some stairs to a fancy yellow car. She opens the car door, suspiciously looks around, throws the suitcase inside, and then gets in. The old lady is still looking for a puzzle piece. She looks up and some black orderly is grabbing her roughly by the shoulder, forcing her to stand. She's not done with her puzzle yet. This is unsettling. Will the puzzle go unfinished? Or will some other pushy resident sit down and finish it for the old lady? Man, it sucks to be old. Madonna hotwires the car just as the song says, for the first time, "What it feels like for a girl." The car backs up. The license plate on the front reads: "Pussy." The car turns around. The plate on the back says, "Cat." Man, we want that license plate. The yellow car is driving around. Madonna is at the wheel, looking like she's at peace. She puts her arm out the window. She forms a gun with her fingers and shoots. Pamie just read about that signal in the California Driver's Handbook. That means, "Drive-By Shooting While Turning Left."

1 2 3 4 5 6Next