United States of Tara Premiere
Marshall declines, saying he has to write a paper on George Cukor for Intro to Film. Oh, so it's going to be THAT kind of a party. Grrrrrreat.
Before the girls can abscond with Tara's plastic, dad comes home to spoil the fun, carrying a bucket of fried chicken. T greets John Corbett with "Here comes the Maxi Pad now!" See, 'cause his name is Max. Cutesy Cody # INFINITY. [Side note: Why is John Corbett always carrying a bucket of fried chicken in every single motherloving thing he is ever in, regardless of his character?] T says she's a vegetarian now and admonishes Max that the hormones in the chicken make you grow a third nipple, bragging that she has a post on her Myspace blog all about it. Flash to T in front the computer chatting with someone on her loud pink Myspace page. "Duh. Double D."
Back in the kitchen, Max says that if T wants to eat with the rest of the fam, she has to cooperate, to which she makes an obscene V in front of her mouth and sing-songs, "Pu-ssy." Kate chimes in that she got the lead in the school recital, which is conveniently the next night. Max asks about some other girl who was supposed to be the lead and Kate explains that she got so anorexic that her parents had to hospitalize her, which T thinks is hysterical.
Before T can go too maniacal, Rosemarie DeWitt, ie Aunt Charmaine sweeps in, greeted by T's snide "Cougar crossing." Max asks what she's doing there and she says that she and Tara were supposed to go to a Pampered Chef party (yeah I don't know what the fuck that is either) in Shawnee that night, but it appears Tara's not around. T spits that her deductive reasoning is so impressive it's a wonder she never finished massage school. Charmaine brushes her off with a, "Which one's this? I can't remember what this one is called." T snarls, "You've only met me a million times, leather-tits." Ha! Ok that was funny. I'm so stealing that line.
Flustered, Charmaine says that she's going to leave because she's obviously walked in on a family crisis, to which Marshall replies that it's not a crisis -- they all like it when T comes around. Huh.
Charmaine asks if she can talk to Max privately and Max signals behind him to the garage. As they make their getaway, T chides them with a "Give it to her Maxie," grunting and humping the air in a really really yucky way that makes me feel like dying.