United States of Tara Premiere

by Lauren Gitlin January 19, 2009
Winter Pilot Season: United States of Tara Flustered, Charmaine says that she's going to leave because she's obviously walked in on a family crisis, to which Marshall replies that it's not a crisis -- they all like it when T comes around. Huh.

Charmaine asks if she can talk to Max privately and Max signals behind him to the garage. As they make their getaway, T chides them with a "Give it to her Maxie," grunting and humping the air in a really really yucky way that makes me feel like dying.

In the garage, Charmaine gets all complainy about Tara's multiple personalities while Max cracks open a beer (again, can we give John Corbett other things to do besides eat fried chicken and drink beer, people?). Charmaine says it's hard to see her sister this way and that she didn't think she'd still be this way. Because mental illness is something you get rid of with vitamins after a week or two obviously. Max insists that she's not doing that badly. Charmaine obliquely touches on the fact that it's not even a real disease, to which Max says that she should know better than anyone that it is real, considering she grew up with Tara. He softens the blow by saying he understands why she's angry and that the whole family is angry at Tara's craziness, but he's been living with it for seventeen years. He has to deal with it every day, whereas Charmaine only has to take it to Pampered Chef parties. Charmaine bites her lip and gets all coquettish, saying it's a shame Max has to live that way, because he deserves (wink wink) so much better. Ew! Conniving bitch!

Max walks back inside to find T painting her toenails and watching trash TV. "Nice boner," she drawls at him. He looks down and says he doesn't have one. She jumps up to make room for him on the couch, offering to let him paint her toe nails so they can have a Lolita moment. Why is this show creeping me the fuck out? Like, yes it's his wife, but she's also currently inhabiting the mind of a fifteen year old. Not OK. She lies down with her feet in his lap. Max is impressed that she's read the book but she explains that she watched the movie because Marshall thought she'd like it. Yes, we get it. Marshall is a brain, and likely gay. We. Get. It.

Max asks how long T will be staying with them, and she gets all mock scandalized, asking if he wants to get rid of her already. She complains that she hardly ever gets to come out anymore. Max assures her she's around as much as the other alters, but T insists that Alice gets way more of a stage, and Max totally likes her better because she bakes. See that? Another expoz. Max tells her semi-flirtatiously that he likes her the best, which she responds to by climbing on top of him and making out with him furiously. When they break apart, Max says that it doesn't feel right, and T insists that it's not cheating because it's still his wife's body. Max tells her that he knows from experience Tara wouldn't like it, but T says she needs it physically and by way of explanation, reveals that just the other day Tara bought a shade of blush called Orgasm.

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