United States of Tara Premiere

by Lauren Gitlin January 19, 2009
Winter Pilot Season: United States of Tara Max pushes her off and tells her she has to go in the shed now. HA! It puts the lotion in the basket. T huffs that she's "not tryin' ta hear that," but Max insists. As she stomps off she pouts, "I hate you for not fucking me." If I had a quarter for all the times I'd heard that one! As T storms off she runs smack dab into Kate, who's packing her bag and explaining to her dad that she's got to go to her friend Madison's house for a Civics project, to which her dad, you know, does the dad thing. "It's nine o'clock. Are you kidding me?" Kate makes a joke about him being so overprotective that soon he'll be taking her to a purity ball, and after some hemming and hawing, he lets her go for an hour. She asks where T is and he tells her the shed. She whines that he knows now she won't be coming back, which he shoots down by saying she shouldn't have been out in the first place. He knows why, too. She replies cattily, "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I should've let that fertilized egg implant itself in my uterus." OK come ON. Like that conversation would ever EVER go down like that between a 15 year old girl and her father. Give me a mother lovin' break you guys.

Max lays on the guilt, saying that stress is a trigger for Tara, and Kate responds that it seems like everything is a trigger for her lately and why can't she just be manic depressive like everyone else's mom? She slips in that her aunt thinks her mom is acting, and Marshall takes that as his cue to enter the room and call Aunt Charmaine a hosebeast. Cutesy Cody # I FUCKING GIVE UP. He asks if T is about to have another shit fit in the shed and says that he's not risking letting the neighbors hear it so he's going to blast Thelonius Monk. GAH. Outside, smashing and bumping comes from inside the shed. And ... commercials! Everybody go read some, like, Ibsen or something to wash the taste of SweetTarts out of your mouth.

Back at Loonyball Central, Max is in the shower leaning up against the wall, defeated, when Tara (we know it's her from the lack of overwrought speech affectations) comes in behind him. "Welcome back," he says to her.

Outside on the street, Kate waits by the curb until a car pulls up blaring industrial techno and someone who is decidedly not Madison, but instead a Gothed-out dude with stringy black hair and face piercings beckons to her. "You're late," she deadpans, to which he merely pouts, "You're looking very kuwai tonight, Katie-chung." Oh, god, not one of those Japanophile freakazoids. He asks why she didn't text him back earlier, and she explains that things were cuckoo at her house. She reminds him casually about how her mom has multiple personalities and says that one of them is their age. How. Ironic. He asks if she goes around acting like a teenager and she says that actually she's pretty lazy so there's not much going around. Sex Robot is all, "That is so messed up!" and Kate gets weirdly defensive, responding sulkily that, "Well, your mom has implants." They argue about the sluttiness of implants and Kate changes gears, saying she's glad her mom is off meds. Sex Robot doesn't care and just warns her not to ignore another text from him because texting is how he shows his love. Yeah he actually said that. They peel out.

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