MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

Dr. Freeze comes home to practice yelling at her son, telling him again to stay away from her animals. He extemporizes that he's meeting someone at the diner. A girl, in point of fact. Her shock causes a total fake-smile effect. Lesley Ann Warren sure is pretty. Wolf Girl climbs out of hiding in the Secret Lab, shoots up all the junk, and does a rad vertical leap like Nicholson in Wolf to escape this House of Freeze horror. Dr. Freeze asks where Cryin' Ryan met his new girlfriend. Check it out:

Marilyn: The sideshow outside of town. She's one of the oddities. The Wolf Girl.
Dr. Freeze: You're dating an oddity?
Me: He is an oddity, babe. Also, give me one reason he would tell you that. Is he totally dumb?
Dr. Freeze: Ugly people should not be put on display for other people to stare at. They should be allowed to stay at home.

I crack up at this while she gives her son the 411 on all manner of subjects, like "the private fantasy world I live in where one day my son will be normal and have normal relationships," "more posse newsflash," "don't touch the animals," and "don't go back to the Freak Show."

"Deb's Dinette" is hopping, its retro stylings (it's 1950) at odds with what sounds suspiciously like the Flaming Lips coming out of the jukebox (it's 1998). Wolf Girl sits across from Marilyn and is just so proud of herself that it's pathetic, telling him she shot up the whole thing, all the junk, the stuff, the dope, the 'roids. One of the identical waitresses of Deb's hands Marilyn a menu, and he wigs on how Wolf Girl needs a menu too, plus a placemat, and some other stuff -- I don't know, he's irritating. Wolf Girl's like, "I know you're a total freak, but I've been a professional freak for a long time and come on, pace yourself, you have to pick your battles."

She orders two cheeseburgers for them, because while eggs have faces, cows do not. Maybe she is into the Zone, or is in training for something. Or maybe they're just throwing a bone to my anabolic steroid theory. Marilyn asks for some personal information, underscoring his obsessive creepiness, and Wolf Girl points out that she is somewhat defined by her appearance. But hey, now that you mention it, last summer FrankenCurry told her a nightmarish story about her beginnings, informed somewhat by the voice of the omniscient narrator, which she will now share.

Years ago in Romania, Wolf Dad got mad at Wolf Mom for having a Wolf Kid, rather than just a Romanian kid, threatening her with all manner of familial dysfunction for bearing canine offspring. In agreement with all this were the neighbors, who'd decided that Wolf Girl was sent straight from the Devil's own cabbage patch. Marilyn does not believe this to be true, but I'll let it stand for now as one of a number of hypotheses. There's a long story about Romanians who are not sexy, and it all ends in FrankenCurry getting a special Wolf Child of his very own.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25Next

Comments

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl This is just a recycled steroid TV movie, and Ian Ziering and Luke Perry are on their way to Dirtytown right now to tell her how that stuff'll shrink her gonads and make her act crazy. But I've seen this before: She's not going to listen to them, because she's already in its clutches. The stuff's got her by her hairy neck and all we can do is watch her spiral downward just like a very hairy Requiem for a Dream. Blinded by his deviant hormones, Marilyn believes her lies, and decides that they'll shoot her up again tomorrow. In order to reward him for doing her bidding, Wolf Girl licks his nose. Gross. Then they do some annoying hardcore kissing, and the real-life wolf shows up to watch them make out. That night, Wolf Girl dreams of attacking sheep in a weird brightly-lit X-Files outtake, and wakes up with a terrible headache. FrankenCurry and Finn are remodeling the Terrifying Wolf Girl cage after last night's junkie freak-out. Wolf Girl heads to the bathroom and runs into Grace Jones, who's been thrown out of the men's facilities after Busta complained that when Grace faces the wrong way, Busta gets "pee-shy." I think Grace Jones is actually drunk in this scene. Wolf Girl asks if Grace has ever had a serious lover. Not so much, Grace Jones says. "My lovers need a sense of humor." I can see that. Full of ebullient insensitivity and ethyl alcohol, Grace Jones turns Wolf Girl to the bathroom mirror: "Do you see a hairy monster?" Well, now that you mention it, SHUT UP. Someday, Grace Jones hypothesizes -- somewhat dubiously, I think -- a boy will come along and see what she/he sees. What that is, I shudder to think. But Wolf Girl nods, then tosses him/her out the door for excessive cosseting. "Irritability" is Sign Four that you have a steroid problem. Wolf Girl strips TOTALLY NUDE. Oh yeah, full frontal, baby. After a little showering, there's an audible thump as a clump of her hair falls to the floor. She picks it up and stares at it, suddenly worried for unknown reasons. At the Secret Lab, Marilyn is so obviously into worshipfully rubbing her now hairless back that I wonder if he's a little confused about female anatomy. Does he think he's getting lucky? He gives her the third degree about symptoms and side-effects. She gets annoyed, but not because it's a side-effect, just because he's obnoxious. She wants to raise the dosage, and they talk about this for about a million years. Marilyn agrees to increase the dosage if Donald the Bunny can survive a higher dose. Obviously, Donald the Bunny is now marked for a horrifying death.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP