MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl
FrankenCurry: "When boy meets girl, in all their glory, sometimes both worlds collide..."
Me: What? What does that even mean?
FrankenCurry: "You need a dong to make a ding..."
Me: These are the worst songs in the world, right? No disagreement there?
Wolf Girl: I am so intent on running away from Beau and his variety pack that even getting hit by a car will not stop my forward motion.
Andy: Okay, is he really a hermaphrodite? Are you screwing with me?
Amie: Isn't it a little late for this movie to try being about something?
Paul: Internet says he's a closet hermaphrodite. So there you go.
Me: It's all in the subtle hints. Like singing a song about hermaphrodites while he stares in horror at his own genitalia.
Andy: In all fairness, that scene was filmed so poorly that he could have Jack Palance down there and we still would've had to ask the Internet. Please don't judge me by an intern cinematographer's mistakes.

When Wolf Girl finally reaches Camp Freak, FrankenCurry is rebuked by her for excessive petting, much as Grace Jones was earlier. "I guess you're not my little girl anymore," he says, and I about lose it just thinking about Tim Curry calling anyone his "little girl." "I'm not your dog either," she rudely retorts before running off. I make a little mark next to "Sign Five: paranoia. Projecting onto others your own confusion about your species."

The Mighty Theodore by night, tossing some strongman barbells around haphazardly. Busta the Crabman walks by. Someone named Josh Foreshadowing, I believe, takes aim at a carnival shooting-gallery picture of a cartoon duck, fires a few times, then swings the gun over at a picture of a real-life wolf. Suddenly, a huge anvil crashes down from the sky, shattering the picture of the duck, and little shards of duck-colored particle board kill Josh Foreshadowing dead. The three little boys from earlier are staring at Athena the Fat Lady. She offers them "a peek" for a nickel (it's 1922). "I've never seen boobs that big," breathes the blonde one (it's 1993). And here I was worrying over being a pervert about Beau's little dance. Gross me out, Fat Lady.

Wolf Girl is doing some intense self-obsessed woolgathering at her vanity when there's knock at the door. "What?" she asks rudely, because the Freak Show are her family and the only ones who accept her as she is. Beau comes in, intoning meaningfully, "No one can know." She has to think for a second, since he's talking about something that's not all about her, and then she's like, "Uh, okay, whatever." He pulls out a gun, and everything stops for a second so that Lori Lansens can walk out in front of the screen like Alfred Hitchcock.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25Next

Comments

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl Wolf Girl, while all of this "character" "development" is going on, is apparently taking the long way back to the Freak Show straight through town, since, again, she's sick of people staring at her. Luckily, this route takes her right by Beau's house, which we recognize from the trashy car outside and the horrible Roscoe dog, which is barking, annoying Wolf Girl to such an extent that she growls at it and Roscoe of course stops barking and starts whining, because she's so very animalistic and monstrous, and it's so nice to see that classic gem of dog humor pulled from the closet, where it had become dusty from disuse. Due to his irrational fear of milkshake chemicals, Beau has taken a shower after the incident at Deb's. He runs down the stairs in a towel, and begins to sing along loudly to a song described by witnesses as "the worst crappy soft-rock ever to make me writhe in pain." Beau does a little dance before his living room mirror which seems to say, "Jacob, come here to Dirtytown, and I will use my variety of sexual organs to bring you to heights of white-trash pleasure you only previously dreamt of while watching Allan Keyser on Mama's Family." I pause the movie and immediately run to the Internet Movie Database, which tells me that Shawn Ashmore is less than a year younger than me, which is what I wanted to hear, because I am not creepy, and because I do not want to go to jail. Wolf Girl sighs in relief at this info as well, and continues peeking through the front door window. There's more dancing, and then the towel slips, and Beau stares down at his reflected groin area for awhile as if it's just been reopened to the public after years of construction and he's forgotten what it looked like, then seems to reconcile himself with what he sees, then gets angry at his groin, then magically senses Wolf Girl at the door and screams at her to get lost while he desperately tries to cover himself. FrankenCurry makes with the heavy-handed symbolic voiceover as he introduces Grace Jones for another goddamn musical number.
Me: Dude, he's a hermaphrodite. He's got the whole Jamie Lee Curtis thing happening. The phrase "Klinefelter's Syndrome" comes to mind. Andy: Whatever are you talking about? FrankenCurry: "We each of us have a bit of the Other...Nature's blessing or God's cruel joke?" Beau: I will now freak out, which involves doing a cross between calisthenics and standing here vibrating, while I stare at myself with disgust. Once that is finished, I will break the living room mirror because I cannot handle the truth.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP