MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

Ms. Lansens: Did you catch the blatant symbolism? Because, see, he's insecure about the whole hermaphrodite thing, so he's using a gun to prove his point. All violence is actually caused by men's obsession with their own penises, and women's obsession with being repressed lesbians.
Me: Hi there. I called up Angela Carter on my Ouija board and she called you "bollocks."
Ms. Lansens: That's so funny, because I did my thesis on Angela Carter.
Me: A screenplay, was it? Called WolfGirl?
Ms. Lansens: How did you know that? Are you psychic?

Yes. Which is why I know that Beau will fire the gun, not hitting Wolf Girl but just blowing out a window, and we'll be in "suspense" while USA yacks at us about some new Law & Order series called, like, Law & Order: SUV which will have the premise of all-new cases, told from the perspective of the vehicles the cops and lawyers drive around in, and it'll star Lucy Lawless and Camryn Manheim as the voices of the vehicles they drive around in, and then we'll come back and all the freaks will be running to the Pup Tent to see about her window and whether it can be repaired.

Wolf Girl, meanwhile, is running around in the forest on all fours, which I guess I need to explain is big, big dumb since people legs and arms are of different lengths whereas real-life wolf legs are the same length, since they have four legs, rather than two legs and two arms. Like people. Shut up and run right, Wolf Girl.

So Wolf Girl jumps on Beau after some masterful WolfCam action, in the forest, and while I make a small check mark next to "Sign Eight: Eating people," she snarls and eats Beau's throat and it's pretty much graphic in that Food Network way. Farewell, Beau -- we hardly knew ye and all the half-naked dances you might have invented. Meanwhile, Whiffer and Cory are peacefully and disinterestedly wondering where Beau is. After all, he said at the dinette that he would meet them "later," and it's, you know, later. Cory thinks maybe Beau's "boffing" the Snake Lady (it's 1985).

The freaks are talking about "the Code," which I guess means they are going to find the Jackals and turn them into chicken-people and start chanting one of us, one of us. FrankenCurry returns to the comfort of repeating previous dialogue, reiterating that A) he got them off the street and made them wily and B) something or another will be "good for business." Marilyn has branched out to stalking other members of the Freak Show, including one of the "Rubber Girls" (your guess is absolutely as valid as mine), who is making time with some guy with flippers. Marilyn is interrupted in this grodiest of pursuits by an "ahem" from the kid without legs, who is kickin' it in a hammock a few feet away from the Rubber trailer. He bumps into the real-life wolf of Dirtyville, who suddenly freaks him all kinds of out even though before it was no big deal.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl FrankenCurry: "When boy meets girl, in all their glory, sometimes both worlds collide..." Me: What? What does that even mean? FrankenCurry: "You need a dong to make a ding..." Me: These are the worst songs in the world, right? No disagreement there? Wolf Girl: I am so intent on running away from Beau and his variety pack that even getting hit by a car will not stop my forward motion. Andy: Okay, is he really a hermaphrodite? Are you screwing with me? Amie: Isn't it a little late for this movie to try being about something? Paul: Internet says he's a closet hermaphrodite. So there you go. Me: It's all in the subtle hints. Like singing a song about hermaphrodites while he stares in horror at his own genitalia. Andy: In all fairness, that scene was filmed so poorly that he could have Jack Palance down there and we still would've had to ask the Internet. Please don't judge me by an intern cinematographer's mistakes. When Wolf Girl finally reaches Camp Freak, FrankenCurry is rebuked by her for excessive petting, much as Grace Jones was earlier. "I guess you're not my little girl anymore," he says, and I about lose it just thinking about Tim Curry calling anyone his "little girl." "I'm not your dog either," she rudely retorts before running off. I make a little mark next to "Sign Five: paranoia. Projecting onto others your own confusion about your species." The Mighty Theodore by night, tossing some strongman barbells around haphazardly. Busta the Crabman walks by. Someone named Josh Foreshadowing, I believe, takes aim at a carnival shooting-gallery picture of a cartoon duck, fires a few times, then swings the gun over at a picture of a real-life wolf. Suddenly, a huge anvil crashes down from the sky, shattering the picture of the duck, and little shards of duck-colored particle board kill Josh Foreshadowing dead. The three little boys from earlier are staring at Athena the Fat Lady. She offers them "a peek" for a nickel (it's 1922). "I've never seen boobs that big," breathes the blonde one (it's 1993). And here I was worrying over being a pervert about Beau's little dance. Gross me out, Fat Lady. Wolf Girl is doing some intense self-obsessed woolgathering at her vanity when there's knock at the door. "What?" she asks rudely, because the Freak Show are her family and the only ones who accept her as she is. Beau comes in, intoning meaningfully, "No one can know." She has to think for a second, since he's talking about something that's not all about her, and then she's like, "Uh, okay, whatever." He pulls out a gun, and everything stops for a second so that Lori Lansens can walk out in front of the screen like Alfred Hitchcock.

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