MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

Now it's morning, and the Jackals are seeking their fearless leader in the woods. Whiffer's surprisingly nervous, and Krystal is surprisingly blasé, as she repeats Frankie Goes to Hollywood's advice to just "relax." Cory finds the gun in a pile of leaves, and his eyebrows go all over the place.

Wolf Girl crawls around on her hands and knees in the Pup Tent for a while. She does a weird striptease thing in front of her mirror that should be revealing the lack of hair on her shoulders, but it would be easier to figure out if she didn't still have hair past her shoulders, which she does not move out of the way and which therefore obstructs our view of the hairless shoulders. She acts as nervous as ever in these "I've lost some of my hairs" scenes, and then sees gross piles of hair on the bed. She goes to investigate, maybe thinking it's someone else's hair, and notices...a pile of bloody clothes! Belonging to her! And then she freaks out in a very human voice that directly contradicts her animal-howling-in-pain screaming from earlier.

In Dr. Freeze's Secret Lab, Donald the Bunny is eating himself in a creepily animatronic "no animals were harmed in the making of" way as Dr. Freeze and her hideous progeny look on. Dr. Freeze goes on for a while with a "trapped animal attacks itself cakes" speech, and then says, "Naturally I'm very sad. [beat] I'll have to start all over again." Lesley Ann Warren rules.

Back at Harley Dune's, Wolf Girl arrives in the Freak Show breakfast area, where Finn informs her that they might leave town early. This would interfere with her treatments, and Wolf Girl, who is only thinking about herself and her precious drugs at this time, asks why. Because she "hasn't been herself" lately. "Hormones," she replies, causing me to go, "Yeah, dude, artificial male hormones, also known as steroids!" and causing Finn to go, "Hormones," and turn away, unbelieving, thinking Wolf Girl is a big old junkie time bomb waiting to explode, and you know what? He's right. Wolf Girl throws the bloody evidence in the flaming barbecue pit.

Marilyn has the audacity to act surprised that Wolf Girl's at his house, as though he has other, non-canine friends. Downstairs, Marilyn has taken the incredibly creepy liberty of nailing Donald the Bunny's head to a piece of wood, the better to seduce his female callers into adult relations. They consider Donald's head for a while, and then to ameliorate the loss of his only other friend ever, Wolf Girl shows Marilyn her smooth, hairless tummy, because naked belly is what's called for when you've lost a beloved pet. She follows that dish up with some Selfish Stew, asking for a couple more treatments, since her new giant fear is that she'll be forced to leave town without getting her own needs satisfied.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl
Ms. Lansens: Did you catch the blatant symbolism? Because, see, he's insecure about the whole hermaphrodite thing, so he's using a gun to prove his point. All violence is actually caused by men's obsession with their own penises, and women's obsession with being repressed lesbians. Me: Hi there. I called up Angela Carter on my Ouija board and she called you "bollocks." Ms. Lansens: That's so funny, because I did my thesis on Angela Carter. Me: A screenplay, was it? Called WolfGirl? Ms. Lansens: How did you know that? Are you psychic?
Yes. Which is why I know that Beau will fire the gun, not hitting Wolf Girl but just blowing out a window, and we'll be in "suspense" while USA yacks at us about some new Law & Order series called, like, Law & Order: SUV which will have the premise of all-new cases, told from the perspective of the vehicles the cops and lawyers drive around in, and it'll star Lucy Lawless and Camryn Manheim as the voices of the vehicles they drive around in, and then we'll come back and all the freaks will be running to the Pup Tent to see about her window and whether it can be repaired. Wolf Girl, meanwhile, is running around in the forest on all fours, which I guess I need to explain is big, big dumb since people legs and arms are of different lengths whereas real-life wolf legs are the same length, since they have four legs, rather than two legs and two arms. Like people. Shut up and run right, Wolf Girl. So Wolf Girl jumps on Beau after some masterful WolfCam action, in the forest, and while I make a small check mark next to "Sign Eight: Eating people," she snarls and eats Beau's throat and it's pretty much graphic in that Food Network way. Farewell, Beau -- we hardly knew ye and all the half-naked dances you might have invented. Meanwhile, Whiffer and Cory are peacefully and disinterestedly wondering where Beau is. After all, he said at the dinette that he would meet them "later," and it's, you know, later. Cory thinks maybe Beau's "boffing" the Snake Lady (it's 1985). The freaks are talking about "the Code," which I guess means they are going to find the Jackals and turn them into chicken-people and start chanting one of us, one of us. FrankenCurry returns to the comfort of repeating previous dialogue, reiterating that A) he got them off the street and made them wily and B) something or another will be "good for business." Marilyn has branched out to stalking other members of the Freak Show, including one of the "Rubber Girls" (your guess is absolutely as valid as mine), who is making time with some guy with flippers. Marilyn is interrupted in this grodiest of pursuits by an "ahem" from the kid without legs, who is kickin' it in a hammock a few feet away from the Rubber trailer. He bumps into the real-life wolf of Dirtyville, who suddenly freaks him all kinds of out even though before it was no big deal.

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