MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

"But Donald went psychotic," he counters, the empirical evidence of his point nailed to a board right in front of her. Not giving a lick for his warnings and nay-saying and bunny heads, Wolf Girl strides to the Secret Lab Fridge to get her fix herself. He's all, "No, bad," so she smashes him with the refrigerator door. "You started this!" she screams, and flakes off, snarling. He's powerless to stop her since it's true -- it was his own freaky fetish that began this whole twisted obsession of hers.

Back at the Pup Tent, FrankenCurry has decided to give Wolf Girl a stern talking-to, but is unable to get far before she's off and running with the Little Miss Denial and Teen Ennui. She turns on the radio petulantly and asks dramatically to be left alone with the crappy music it provides. In the forest, the Jackals are loitering around Beau's corpse instead of calling for help or really getting very excited.

Whiffer: Look at his wang!
Me: So it's 1979?
Whiffer: Did it get bit off?
Cory: That's the whole thing.
Krystal: Ew, sick! Freak.

She kicks the body so we know that she is so repressed and insecure that she'll deny her own best friend after his deformity is exposed. Cory and Krystal take off, leaving Whiffer with Beau's "wang," which is smaller even than his own. Whatever, man.

Get ready, because this part is dumb. While FrankenCurry is blathering about the Human Pincushion, who looks like a member of Korn or the Jim Rose Alternative Lifestyle Bonanza and who "craves the piercing pain in his body because it drowns the pain in his heart" (okay? Are you getting this?), Wolf Girl is setting up her works so she can fix with the biggest batch of made-up hair removal chemicals yet. Because self-improvement equals self-mutilation in Wolf Girl World, where dip-ass Freak Show Parallel is the name of the game.

One of the hardcore leather-bound heavily-pierced stoners from upstairs, the ones I call "The Fetishistas," stops by for a second and says, "Whoa, is this the USA Original Television Movie Wolf Girl? I have to be honest with you, I thought this looked stupid and derivative, but now that I have seen the Human Pincushion I know that it is on the level. Are you taping this? Because they seemed to have really clicked with my generation. And don't forget to come to the party later this week. My girlfriend and our boyfriend and I are all going to be hung from hooks for our anniversary. Anyway, thanks again for introducing me to such a hardcore and relevant piece of TV history."

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl Now it's morning, and the Jackals are seeking their fearless leader in the woods. Whiffer's surprisingly nervous, and Krystal is surprisingly blasé, as she repeats Frankie Goes to Hollywood's advice to just "relax." Cory finds the gun in a pile of leaves, and his eyebrows go all over the place. Wolf Girl crawls around on her hands and knees in the Pup Tent for a while. She does a weird striptease thing in front of her mirror that should be revealing the lack of hair on her shoulders, but it would be easier to figure out if she didn't still have hair past her shoulders, which she does not move out of the way and which therefore obstructs our view of the hairless shoulders. She acts as nervous as ever in these "I've lost some of my hairs" scenes, and then sees gross piles of hair on the bed. She goes to investigate, maybe thinking it's someone else's hair, and notices...a pile of bloody clothes! Belonging to her! And then she freaks out in a very human voice that directly contradicts her animal-howling-in-pain screaming from earlier. In Dr. Freeze's Secret Lab, Donald the Bunny is eating himself in a creepily animatronic "no animals were harmed in the making of" way as Dr. Freeze and her hideous progeny look on. Dr. Freeze goes on for a while with a "trapped animal attacks itself cakes" speech, and then says, "Naturally I'm very sad. [beat] I'll have to start all over again." Lesley Ann Warren rules. Back at Harley Dune's, Wolf Girl arrives in the Freak Show breakfast area, where Finn informs her that they might leave town early. This would interfere with her treatments, and Wolf Girl, who is only thinking about herself and her precious drugs at this time, asks why. Because she "hasn't been herself" lately. "Hormones," she replies, causing me to go, "Yeah, dude, artificial male hormones, also known as steroids!" and causing Finn to go, "Hormones," and turn away, unbelieving, thinking Wolf Girl is a big old junkie time bomb waiting to explode, and you know what? He's right. Wolf Girl throws the bloody evidence in the flaming barbecue pit. Marilyn has the audacity to act surprised that Wolf Girl's at his house, as though he has other, non-canine friends. Downstairs, Marilyn has taken the incredibly creepy liberty of nailing Donald the Bunny's head to a piece of wood, the better to seduce his female callers into adult relations. They consider Donald's head for a while, and then to ameliorate the loss of his only other friend ever, Wolf Girl shows Marilyn her smooth, hairless tummy, because naked belly is what's called for when you've lost a beloved pet. She follows that dish up with some Selfish Stew, asking for a couple more treatments, since her new giant fear is that she'll be forced to leave town without getting her own needs satisfied.

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