MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

Marilyn is yelling from his customary place at the Pup Tent window about how Wolf Girl needs to go see a doctor. Instead, she -- and we -- go see the usual DNA, trees of fractal complexity, blipvert WolfCam action, and hear a flashback-sounding clip from a scene which obviously didn't make it into the movie, Marilyn saying something about "people start to believe that they're werewolves." Which, okay, people, that's just blatantly rude. To put an unrelated line in from something which could very well be a completely different movie just because you're too dumb for your source material -- this is just insulting. Wolf Girl, mouth all bloody, crashes out on the bed. I crash out on the couch, and wish the commercials could go on forever and ever.

That night, as the three little boys from earlier buy their tickets for what must be the seventh night in a row, they argue about whether or not Wolf Girl killed Beau, with whom they are apparently familiar (presumably because they've also been shot at by him or Krystal). "She's so awesome," they say, and "She's not a real werewolf," even though from what I've often heard, sometimes people start to believe just that. "She's just a girl." So this is the humanist perspective: She's just a girl. Not even really worth talking about. Out of the mouths of babes.

But is she just a girl? Apparently in stupid Wolf Girl Land, ripping someone's throat out is only a rite de passage. This is a really subtle move on the writer's part, so walk carefully with me here. FrankenCurry unveils a rebuilt cage and a new sign reading "The Terrible Wolf Woman," because, see, Wolf Girl has become a Wolf Woman. Because she has learned wisdom and perseverance through adversity? No, silly! Because she is so obsessed with her appearance that she has become a dangerous, out-of-control junkie, of course! Hooray for womanhood! Hello?

Finn thinks the whole deal is dumb, and instead turns a smoldering, sexy grin on the next act. The next act, however, involves the buzzkill prancing and mincing of four unshaven Little People in lavender ballerina drag and makeup. They look like smaller versions of the following people: Brit comedian Eddie Izzard, controversial actor Robert Blake, fey man-child Alan Cumming, and Blossom's other brother, Michael Stoyanov. Midgets in drag! Why? It's virtually an ACLU nightmare, and offensive as all hell. Oh, I get it, it's 1948.

Whiffer and Cory are discussing Beau's experience as an entrée, and Whiffer puts forth the idea that maybe Beau got what he deserved, being an abusive, sociopathic monster and all. How quickly you turn, Judas. Cory gives us the pithy and all-too-pertinent "What kind of world would this be if we all got what we deserved?" Please email me if you have any idea whatsoever about the point of this statement. It's like it's meaningful, but it's just not.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl "But Donald went psychotic," he counters, the empirical evidence of his point nailed to a board right in front of her. Not giving a lick for his warnings and nay-saying and bunny heads, Wolf Girl strides to the Secret Lab Fridge to get her fix herself. He's all, "No, bad," so she smashes him with the refrigerator door. "You started this!" she screams, and flakes off, snarling. He's powerless to stop her since it's true -- it was his own freaky fetish that began this whole twisted obsession of hers. Back at the Pup Tent, FrankenCurry has decided to give Wolf Girl a stern talking-to, but is unable to get far before she's off and running with the Little Miss Denial and Teen Ennui. She turns on the radio petulantly and asks dramatically to be left alone with the crappy music it provides. In the forest, the Jackals are loitering around Beau's corpse instead of calling for help or really getting very excited.
Whiffer: Look at his wang! Me: So it's 1979? Whiffer: Did it get bit off? Cory: That's the whole thing. Krystal: Ew, sick! Freak.
She kicks the body so we know that she is so repressed and insecure that she'll deny her own best friend after his deformity is exposed. Cory and Krystal take off, leaving Whiffer with Beau's "wang," which is smaller even than his own. Whatever, man. Get ready, because this part is dumb. While FrankenCurry is blathering about the Human Pincushion, who looks like a member of Korn or the Jim Rose Alternative Lifestyle Bonanza and who "craves the piercing pain in his body because it drowns the pain in his heart" (okay? Are you getting this?), Wolf Girl is setting up her works so she can fix with the biggest batch of made-up hair removal chemicals yet. Because self-improvement equals self-mutilation in Wolf Girl World, where dip-ass Freak Show Parallel is the name of the game. One of the hardcore leather-bound heavily-pierced stoners from upstairs, the ones I call "The Fetishistas," stops by for a second and says, "Whoa, is this the USA Original Television Movie Wolf Girl? I have to be honest with you, I thought this looked stupid and derivative, but now that I have seen the Human Pincushion I know that it is on the level. Are you taping this? Because they seemed to have really clicked with my generation. And don't forget to come to the party later this week. My girlfriend and our boyfriend and I are all going to be hung from hooks for our anniversary. Anyway, thanks again for introducing me to such a hardcore and relevant piece of TV history."

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