MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl
Naked Wolf Woman: [Grunt.]
Krystal: Are you Helen Keller? You remind me of someone.
Naked Wolf Woman: [Grunt.]
Amie: "No really, I'm not kidding. Like, someone who ate my best friend."
Naked Wolf Woman: [Grunt.]
Me: "If I squint and picture you absolutely covered in hair, you look like..."
Everybody: WOLF WOMAN!

Naked Wolf Woman sniffs at Krystal's shoulder and neck. She touches her own face, then Krystal's. This is actually because of the lack of facial hair that they share, but since Krystal's just a sex-crazed lesbian, she automatically assumes that the totally naked chick smelling her and caressing her face from three micrometers away is looking for some action, and stupidly goes in for the kiss. Naked Wolf Woman, being as uncomfortable with sexuality as she is with everything, bites Krystal's tongue out of her damn head. It's gross, plus deeply, disturbingly homophobic on the part of the movie. What kind of a world would it be if people got what they deserved? After all, the math goes fat lady = lesbian = Wolf Girl = hermaphrodite = midget = dogfucker, right? Am I being oversensitive here?

So Marilyn shows up, somehow, talking this mad theory obviously born of fear about "let's shoot you up right now." Dude, she's done been shot up. Hence the tongue-eating and the nudity and the no hair. She throws him across the forest, and he picks up Beau's gun. Naked Wolf Woman offers her chest to him to shoot, echoing the very excellent novella Lila the Werewolf, by The Last Unicorn scribe Peter S. Beagle, but Marilyn can't shoot, because if he could, that would mean a big ethical zero across the board for this movie, and because this is nothing like that very excellent story.

Naked Wolf Woman growls and jumps at him, and he shoots, but somehow hits the real-life wolf instead, conveniently fooling the just-approaching Posse and remaining Jackals into thinking that she really was a werewolf. Because this is 1890s Haiti, and people believe in werewolves. Tongueless Krystal is lead away by Whiffer and Cory. Cryin' Ryan runs off crying because he's a big old baby.

Next morning, Finn supervises the show's egress, because Dirtytown just isn't fun anymore, what with the senseless violence, medical experimentation, and sociopathic behavior of the locals. Finn is sad because -- for no reason at all, as far as I can tell -- he loves Wolf Woman and doesn't want to leave her to "hide" herself in a forest which has proven itself to be no larger than a football field. Everybody's mighty sad, but nobody brings up the fact that Wolf Woman was not a werewolf and was therefore not shot last night. FrankenCurry, proving once again how much he cares for his precious charges, locks Athena the Fat Lady in her trailer in a seriously-padlocked way. One chubby arm bursts a window in protest as "Harley Dune's Natural Wonders and Amazing Curiosities" leave the superlatively ungrateful and unwelcoming citizens of Dirtytown -- plus Naked Wolf Woman -- behind.

The caravan drives down a road, but no one notices the naked teenage girl sitting peacefully mere inches off to the side. Maybe they've finally learned that Wolf Woman is a dangerous, self-obsessed, insecure liability not worth rehabilitating. Wolf Woman looks at her reflection in a bucolic reflecting pool. Victoria Sanchez is really pretty; she looks sort of like Maura Tierney in the Newsradio days. She bats at her reflection and is gone, like the wind, or a song, or this movie from my mind, ten minutes from now. She is no longer on the human map, the map of society, the map of my giving a damn.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl
Some sexy British lab tech girl: Hey Dr. Freeze, I guess I'm going home. Do you want me to set the alarms, or do you want Wolf Woman to come in here and eat you for no narrative reason without prior warning? Dr. Freeze: No warning, thanks. The fear of being eaten for no narrative reason would really put a crimp in my inputting of precious Aryan data. I think Wolf Woman's on her way here now, though, so go on home. Brit Girl: You make the rest of us look bad!
Which is funny, because Dr. Freeze's raison d'etre is making all us hideous assholes look good by her limited, evil standards. We see more puppies in cages. I bet that puppy would lick my face and wag its tail and be all squirmy and rad. I guess you're supposed to follow this stuff to its logical and oh-so-manipulative terminus, which is, "How can they experiment on sweet little puppies just to make a mascara that won't clump up on me?" but I can only get as far as "Puppies are awesome. I wish I had a puppy. I want to hug the puppy." Wolf Woman climbs in the window! Dr. Freeze takes about three seconds to figure out that she is about to be eaten for no narrative reason! The puppies in cages watch Wolf Woman eat her! A strangely-unrelated-to-anything hag's cackle echoes all over the poor nasty soundtrack! In the woods, where she goes when she's got that "addicted" feeling, Wolf Woman fixes, then whimpers and wriggles! There are some DNA trees, and Wolf Woman licks herself awhile! She rolls around! It's super intense and fascinating! Cut to the posse, and are they carrying torches? Of course they are! (Because it's 1817!) Marilyn Manson is running to an unspecified location for an unspecified reason: I know, she's gone to ThrumCo to eat my Mom, which means that soon she'll be shooting up under this one very specific tree in the huge old forest. I'll meet her there and calm her down with my savage wit and unrelenting charm. I can only hope I'm not too late! The posse and their torches are running! Marilyn is running! The real-life wolf gets in on the running-around action! The Sexy Romanian Extras are running too, and they have torches! Why? Who cares! Cory and Whiffer are running! Krystal is running! Alone, with Beau's gun! She runs...into WOLF WOMAN! Wolf Woman is now hairless (except, of course, for her beautiful head of hair) and all naked and crouchy in the woods. She's acting kind of like Angel after he fell out of the ceiling that time. Because she's totally become an animal, which makes big sense after going and shooting up a hair-loss serum. Krystal gets all shy and hair-tossy, asking if Wolf Woman wants to help her kill the Terrifying Wolf Woman. She shows off in a macho manner all about her gun skills. She's doing Selma Blair in Cruel Intentions when Cecile is trying to act "sexy," all pouty lips and that glamour that whispers sinfully, "I'm totally a model."

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