MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

That's it. She's a lesbian. The votes are in. She's great with a gun, and oh, look: they have a bet going for his TrashMobile, which means she's into cars, and he makes a crude joke about her virginity, so I guess she's frigid. I'm telling you: All the signs are there. And since being a lesbian is just as deviant as "sweet-talking" the family dog, all these people are freaks inside, just as the formula demands. Ordinarily I'd say Beau's queer, but if I'm right, Krystal already took that one. So what is it? I hope it's damned insulting, because this movie just isn't offensive enough.

Krystal hears a mysterious thrumming on the soundtrack, and for no other reason whatsoever looks across the highway at a big clinical-looking building and wonders aloud, "How can we provide a rational segue to the next scene?" Not coming up with any answers, even after calling Executive Producers Peter Locke and Donald Kushner, Joss Whedon, and some other people who can both read and write, she rephrases her question: "What do you think they do there?"

There, they are having a meeting about how people are no longer content with just covering up flaws; they want to eliminate them altogether. What manner of flaws, you ask? Well, it turns out that brown irises can now be detected in the womb, and "corrected." Science can turn your brown eyes blue. How...racist? Shut up, Wolf Girl movie; talk about something that matters.

In the Thrumco audience of white lab-coat people, we see Lesley Ann Warren. Even though she has played many a one-dimensional Showgirl/Stripper/Whore role in her past, eventually you have to stop being a slut and start getting real. Because she is not a slut in this movie. In August 2001, Lesley Ann turned 55, and let me tell you how beautiful she is in Wolf Girl. She's got wicked cool glasses, kickin' make-up, and is hilarious and mean and some stereotype scientist lady with a heart of empty, cold space. Her evil is real, but she is not. Right now, all we know is that she is terribly interested in what her blue-eyed pop cosmetic surgeon friend is going on about.

Then there's a puppy. I am not immune to the power of the puppy. Dr. Freeze (a.k.a. Lesley Ann) is walking through a clinical, well-lit research kind of room, with cages of puppies and big fishbowls full of mice. Watch out, because what she does now is gank a mouse when no one is looking, put it in her purse, and quickly leave the room.

There's no point to that scene except the being startling, what with the mouse larceny and all. So she goes home and into a hall closet, which turns out to be the entrance to her Secret Lab. Still with me? Down there is Marilyn Manson from before, who is her son. Marilyn is talking to Miles the Mouse. "Don't talk to the mouse," Dr. Freeze shrieks, because their entire relationship is based on him wanting to play with animals and treat them like pets and her not wanting him to play with the animals, because it could screw up all her creepy experiments. She looks at her son like she wants to experiment on him a little, to make him more acceptable.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl Outside, Marilyn Manson fondles Donald the Bunny, staring at Wolf Girl as she sloshes Athena's bucket into the woods, violating every camping rule ever. The camera cuts to Marilyn, whose bunny has just schwinged one ear straight up into the air. Do they edit films in Romania? Could they have used any other shot at all? There is the music of miscegenation love as Wolf Girl walks away watched by Marilyn, who's still stroking his erect bunny. Gross. Meanwhile, cute little Beau and that adorable scamp Krystal are shooting at a pumpkin-head scarecrow. Beau is a poor shot, but Krystal is a terrific shot, blowing the pumpkin into tiny little clumps of Thanksgiving cheer. That's it. She's a lesbian. The votes are in. She's great with a gun, and oh, look: they have a bet going for his TrashMobile, which means she's into cars, and he makes a crude joke about her virginity, so I guess she's frigid. I'm telling you: All the signs are there. And since being a lesbian is just as deviant as "sweet-talking" the family dog, all these people are freaks inside, just as the formula demands. Ordinarily I'd say Beau's queer, but if I'm right, Krystal already took that one. So what is it? I hope it's damned insulting, because this movie just isn't offensive enough. Krystal hears a mysterious thrumming on the soundtrack, and for no other reason whatsoever looks across the highway at a big clinical-looking building and wonders aloud, "How can we provide a rational segue to the next scene?" Not coming up with any answers, even after calling Executive Producers Peter Locke and Donald Kushner, Joss Whedon, and some other people who can both read and write, she rephrases her question: "What do you think they do there?" There, they are having a meeting about how people are no longer content with just covering up flaws; they want to eliminate them altogether. What manner of flaws, you ask? Well, it turns out that brown irises can now be detected in the womb, and "corrected." Science can turn your brown eyes blue. How...racist? Shut up, Wolf Girl movie; talk about something that matters. In the Thrumco audience of white lab-coat people, we see Lesley Ann Warren. Even though she has played many a one-dimensional Showgirl/Stripper/Whore role in her past, eventually you have to stop being a slut and start getting real. Because she is not a slut in this movie. In August 2001, Lesley Ann turned 55, and let me tell you how beautiful she is in Wolf Girl. She's got wicked cool glasses, kickin' make-up, and is hilarious and mean and some stereotype scientist lady with a heart of empty, cold space. Her evil is real, but she is not. Right now, all we know is that she is terribly interested in what her blue-eyed pop cosmetic surgeon friend is going on about.

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