MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

We never find out about what the Jackals want to do, because FrankenCurry (slightly sweaty from all the plucking) makes Beau clean up Roscoe's mess. Beau snidely shovels it into a popcorn box, and I cross my fingers and pray to God and little baby fishes that nothing is going to happen with the dog shit as they run off.

You know how Chekhov said that if you have a gun in the first act, it better go off by the third, or else people are going to be like, "Where's the gun? What was the deal with the gun?" He was right, I guess. Too bad. Long story short: Beau throws the dog crap at Wolf Girl. She howls and is really sad, and then for some WTF reason, people start applauding. Maybe it's just so that the SREs will get her offstage. Beau and Krystal laugh like they just heard that hilarious new song about plucking, and I'm all, what are you laughing about, white boy? You're the one with a handful of crap, not to mention some as-yet-unrevealed deformity.

Wolf Girl, whose composure is a little thrown due to the whole crap-in-her-hair thing, runs past the Jackals en route to the Pup Tent. FrankenCurry is bitching at Athena the Fat Lady about the decline of goodwill toward Freak Shows, but Athena points out that they've never really been as socially acceptable as, say, your average high-class debutante wearing perfume from France. FrankenCurry won't flick his damn cigarette. Wolf Girl runs in and tells them that it's okay, since without a sense of self-worth it's easy to let people do hideously demeaning things to you, but FrankenCurry continues to kvetch.

Cory, the Jackal with the Amazing Eyebrows, is still all about the time Beau threw dog shit at the Wolf Girl. Remember that? It was five seconds ago, remember? Eyebrow Boy howls like a sad dirty Wolf Girl. Whiffer, the Nice One, goes, "It was weird to see her up close." Krystal's all, "Sure, in that she is obviously evil," because Krystal is like, totally intolerant. Beau is like, "Stop whining, Whiffer, she's a freak." Krystal, going for the gold for Banal Evil, rates Wolf Girl at 15 points. Is she implying that she's going to shoot a person? How terrible.

Beau protests that he should get points for the dog crap, but Krystal says it doesn't count, because she was in a cage. A real-life wolf howls, Beau howls, but Whiffer cautions him that it could be "a mating call." Whiffer's what you call jumpy. Roscoe the dog wigs out, and everybody scatters because it's all so scary.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl This is a song about FrankenCurry's imaginary relationship with the Bearded Lady, which is centered on "plucking." As in, she's always saying "pluck me, honey," and he wants to tell her to "go pluck [herself]," and he wonders if she really loves him or if she just "loves to get plucked," and while people call him a "lucky plucker," really he'd "pluck her anyway." So what you have is creepy-ass Tim Curry telling the same third-grade joke forty-six times in a row, and it's set to music, and there's a little soft-shoe, a little bump-and-grind, some pelvic thrusting, and FrankenCurry prancing in circles around the undulating Bearded Lady. Intercut with this Apocalypse Of Taste is Wolf Girl getting ready for her part in the show, with fake underbite teeth and scary fingernails and stuff, messing up her hair, and growling and swiping at the mirror, which is funny, because I've been doing the same thing ever since the plucking started. Grr, arrgh. The Jackals, with their own Scooby Doo, Roscoe the dog, knock on the Pup Tent door, all set to do something horrible to her. She turns to the wall clock, but the hands are broken and lying at the bottom of the clock-face, trapped behind the glass. Somehow she can tell the time anyway, even though we make a big old deal of focusing on the broken-off clock hands, and yells that she's still getting ready. What was the point of that thing with the clock? Maybe it's to illustrate that Wolf Girl and the freaks live outside the categorized and rigid stream of normalcy or something. I am going to get out my Ouija board and ask Angela Carter about it, because it seems like her kind of thing. Hold on...Angela says it's "bollocks" and not to call her again or mention her name again in connection with this movie, because it's crap. Also, why not watch In the Company of Wolves, or In the Company of Men, or Little Women, or Small Wonder, instead of this? We never find out about what the Jackals want to do, because FrankenCurry (slightly sweaty from all the plucking) makes Beau clean up Roscoe's mess. Beau snidely shovels it into a popcorn box, and I cross my fingers and pray to God and little baby fishes that nothing is going to happen with the dog shit as they run off. You know how Chekhov said that if you have a gun in the first act, it better go off by the third, or else people are going to be like, "Where's the gun? What was the deal with the gun?" He was right, I guess. Too bad. Long story short: Beau throws the dog crap at Wolf Girl. She howls and is really sad, and then for some WTF reason, people start applauding. Maybe it's just so that the SREs will get her offstage. Beau and Krystal laugh like they just heard that hilarious new song about plucking, and I'm all, what are you laughing about, white boy? You're the one with a handful of crap, not to mention some as-yet-unrevealed deformity.

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