MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

Beau runs into a tree and falls down. Then the director cuts so that Shawn Ashmore can get up and lie back down with a giant tree sticking up between his legs, because of the Beau's genitalia leitmotif we'll learn about later. Beau figures out that Marilyn Manson is howling at him, and gets hopping mad and beats the hell out of Marilyn, who is baiting Beau for no reason, and is kept from mentioning Beau's deformity by a stiff uppercut. Beau says some gross threat that will result in Marilyn somehow gaining the dubious ability to "crap fingers." The real-life wolf watches them, meaninglessly.

Morning rises on the dirty town where we lay our scene. The Freak Show is eating breakfast, light on the freaks and heavy on the SREs, who are in the Freak Show for the sole reason, I suppose, that they are freakishly good looking. FrankenCurry enters the Pup Tent: "Morning, fuzzy-face." Nothing like being reminded of your congenital disorder first thing in the morning. She refuses his offer of an omelet because she doesn't eat eggs, because she doesn't eat anything with a face. Wolf Girl! Eggs don't have faces!

Wolf Girl notices a note that Marilyn Manson has left in the Pup Tent, on the classic stalker model of peeping, then entering the place of residence and leaving a token of love. If this trend continues, he'll soon start telling people that they are married and he is carrying her child. The note says that he can help her, since she's unhappy and wants to be normal. Wolf Girl breaks out in song:

"Look at this hair, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my look is complete? Wouldn't you think I'm Wolf Girl, Wolf Girl who has everything?"

No she doesn't, but of course this movie is actually The Little Mermaid inside-out with added 'roid-rage. She walks through Dirtyville, dressed as usual as one of the tunnel-people extras from the 1980s primetime drama Beauty and the Beast. Frankly, I'd rather look like Linda Hamilton The Buff Single Gal than Vincent The Dog-Faced Man, though. Tough on you, Wolf Girl.

Marilyn answers the door at the Freeze house, looking even worse than normal with that cultish gleam in his gross black eye. Marilyn reveals that his name is Ryan Klein and, because nobody cares, reveals that his nickname was "Cryin' Ryan" back in elementary school. That being relevant and all. "Therapy is helping me heal," he says, but instead of sounding like the fast-talking, erudite cynical teens of hit 1997 WB shows, it falls flat. Mainly this is because therapy is obviously not helping him anything.

Wolf Girl informs Marilyn that he is "kind of creepy." Amen, Wolf Girl, but how very inappropriate to say so. Since that's obvious, he just says it's because he is eager to meet her, then sticks his foot so far in his mouth that you can barely hear his muffled explanation that he is fascinated by freaks of nature. Nice.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl Wolf Girl, whose composure is a little thrown due to the whole crap-in-her-hair thing, runs past the Jackals en route to the Pup Tent. FrankenCurry is bitching at Athena the Fat Lady about the decline of goodwill toward Freak Shows, but Athena points out that they've never really been as socially acceptable as, say, your average high-class debutante wearing perfume from France. FrankenCurry won't flick his damn cigarette. Wolf Girl runs in and tells them that it's okay, since without a sense of self-worth it's easy to let people do hideously demeaning things to you, but FrankenCurry continues to kvetch. Cory, the Jackal with the Amazing Eyebrows, is still all about the time Beau threw dog shit at the Wolf Girl. Remember that? It was five seconds ago, remember? Eyebrow Boy howls like a sad dirty Wolf Girl. Whiffer, the Nice One, goes, "It was weird to see her up close." Krystal's all, "Sure, in that she is obviously evil," because Krystal is like, totally intolerant. Beau is like, "Stop whining, Whiffer, she's a freak." Krystal, going for the gold for Banal Evil, rates Wolf Girl at 15 points. Is she implying that she's going to shoot a person? How terrible. Beau protests that he should get points for the dog crap, but Krystal says it doesn't count, because she was in a cage. A real-life wolf howls, Beau howls, but Whiffer cautions him that it could be "a mating call." Whiffer's what you call jumpy. Roscoe the dog wigs out, and everybody scatters because it's all so scary. Beau runs into a tree and falls down. Then the director cuts so that Shawn Ashmore can get up and lie back down with a giant tree sticking up between his legs, because of the Beau's genitalia leitmotif we'll learn about later. Beau figures out that Marilyn Manson is howling at him, and gets hopping mad and beats the hell out of Marilyn, who is baiting Beau for no reason, and is kept from mentioning Beau's deformity by a stiff uppercut. Beau says some gross threat that will result in Marilyn somehow gaining the dubious ability to "crap fingers." The real-life wolf watches them, meaninglessly. Morning rises on the dirty town where we lay our scene. The Freak Show is eating breakfast, light on the freaks and heavy on the SREs, who are in the Freak Show for the sole reason, I suppose, that they are freakishly good looking. FrankenCurry enters the Pup Tent: "Morning, fuzzy-face." Nothing like being reminded of your congenital disorder first thing in the morning. She refuses his offer of an omelet because she doesn't eat eggs, because she doesn't eat anything with a face. Wolf Girl! Eggs don't have faces!

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