MONDO EXTRAS

Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl

He mentions werewolves, and Wolf Girl takes some sort of offense at this, harshing out, "I'm not a werewolf!" Uh, okay, simmer down there, Wolf Girl. He takes her down to the Secret Lab, and Wolf Girl asks if his mother is a mad scientist (she totally is, Wolf Girl! Get out!). Marilyn covers for Dr. Freeze, saying she's a cosmetic researcher, testing things like lipstick and mascara. (Which explains why she has a Secret Lab in her house how, exactly?) "What's she going to give me, a makeover?" Good one, Wolf Girl.

Marilyn exposits the totally coincidental fact that "her real passion is...depilatories"! That's hilarious on many levels, but nobody's ready for the humor, since this is a tense scene. Marilyn, because he's testifiably creepy, has been researching his beloved's disease, hypertrichosis, and has been doing personal experiments on the Secret Lab animals. In a tone suggesting that he's about to add "not one but two eight-ounce cans of Oxy-Kleen" to her order if she'll just act now, he produces Miles the Mouse with a flourish and says grandly, "Just yesterday Miles was covered with hair!" And it's true and it's gross, but formerly grey-and-white furry little Miles is now a uniform, naked hairless wrinkled grey. Ooh, where can I sign up for that treatment?

Marilyn is getting ahead of himself, suggesting that they start treatment right this very second. Wolf Girl soundbites about "let you shoot me up with some mysterious untested experimental serum? Good idea, chucklehead." Marilyn gets all manipulative, since she questioned him, and says she could always wait, no big deal, since it only takes seven years to get new drugs approved. Yeah, those FDA slowpokes are such sticklers. He asks rhetorically if she's happy with the way she is, and kind of lets that hang in the air for awhile, because he's a complete asshole who fully knows she isn't happy but is just too creepy and controlling to accept or respect that.

Cut immediately, just as Marilyn knew we would, to Wolf Girl tying off, and Marilyn shooting her up. There's some DNA, I think, in a glowing sea of red light, and some things that I think are meant to evoke chaos theory or dendrites in the brain or the complexities of genetics but are in fact trees, and I swear there's the sound of a car honking, and then Wolf Girl's eyeball, and we go to commercial. If the suspense is killing you, which I bet it is, I'll tell you the promos and bumpers are all about naked hairless Wolf Girl, so I'm thinking that these experimental treatments are going to work. Just a feeling.

Theodore the Mighty, the Strong Guy, is tossing around barbells, and it's not that exciting. FrankenCurry is doing this Arsenio Hall Dog Pound move ("Over there are the people who thought this was going to be a rip-off of Teen Wolf and not Geek Love!"), telling people to "Roll up, roll up," in an effort to reach the urban heart of this strange new modern world he's found himself in (it's 1992). As though to underscore the international embarrassment Tim Curry has become, some damn mime starts juggling in the foreground with a stupid grin and a prancing manner.

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Hair of the dog

by Jacob Clifton October 27, 2001
WolfGirl Wolf Girl notices a note that Marilyn Manson has left in the Pup Tent, on the classic stalker model of peeping, then entering the place of residence and leaving a token of love. If this trend continues, he'll soon start telling people that they are married and he is carrying her child. The note says that he can help her, since she's unhappy and wants to be normal. Wolf Girl breaks out in song:
"Look at this hair, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my look is complete? Wouldn't you think I'm Wolf Girl, Wolf Girl who has everything?"
No she doesn't, but of course this movie is actually The Little Mermaid inside-out with added 'roid-rage. She walks through Dirtyville, dressed as usual as one of the tunnel-people extras from the 1980s primetime drama Beauty and the Beast. Frankly, I'd rather look like Linda Hamilton The Buff Single Gal than Vincent The Dog-Faced Man, though. Tough on you, Wolf Girl. Marilyn answers the door at the Freeze house, looking even worse than normal with that cultish gleam in his gross black eye. Marilyn reveals that his name is Ryan Klein and, because nobody cares, reveals that his nickname was "Cryin' Ryan" back in elementary school. That being relevant and all. "Therapy is helping me heal," he says, but instead of sounding like the fast-talking, erudite cynical teens of hit 1997 WB shows, it falls flat. Mainly this is because therapy is obviously not helping him anything. Wolf Girl informs Marilyn that he is "kind of creepy." Amen, Wolf Girl, but how very inappropriate to say so. Since that's obvious, he just says it's because he is eager to meet her, then sticks his foot so far in his mouth that you can barely hear his muffled explanation that he is fascinated by freaks of nature. Nice. He mentions werewolves, and Wolf Girl takes some sort of offense at this, harshing out, "I'm not a werewolf!" Uh, okay, simmer down there, Wolf Girl. He takes her down to the Secret Lab, and Wolf Girl asks if his mother is a mad scientist (she totally is, Wolf Girl! Get out!). Marilyn covers for Dr. Freeze, saying she's a cosmetic researcher, testing things like lipstick and mascara. (Which explains why she has a Secret Lab in her house how, exactly?) "What's she going to give me, a makeover?" Good one, Wolf Girl. Marilyn exposits the totally coincidental fact that "her real passion is...depilatories"! That's hilarious on many levels, but nobody's ready for the humor, since this is a tense scene. Marilyn, because he's testifiably creepy, has been researching his beloved's disease, hypertrichosis, and has been doing personal experiments on the Secret Lab animals. In a tone suggesting that he's about to add "not one but two eight-ounce cans of Oxy-Kleen" to her order if she'll just act now, he produces Miles the Mouse with a flourish and says grandly, "Just yesterday Miles was covered with hair!" And it's true and it's gross, but formerly grey-and-white furry little Miles is now a uniform, naked hairless wrinkled grey. Ooh, where can I sign up for that treatment?

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