United States of Tara Premiere
"Ew. Mom briefs." Cutesy Cody Alert #2.
She rounds the corner into her room and sees her mom bent over rummaging through her closet, bedecked in skintight jeans, a pink tank top, a side pony tail and visible thong. Confirming the initial suspicion that this is in fact one of Tara's various other incarnations, Kate cracks a smile and greets her mom with "T! Who let you out?" So-called T spins around and in a gum-snapping Valley Girl staccato replies, "Dude, I've been digging around in your closet for an hour and I can't fucking get to Narnia." Cutesy Cody Alert #3. Christ, at this rate, I'm going to get carpal effing tunnel. The two banter and Kate asks why T is there instead of her mom. T explains that her mom is in a bad place mentally because of the morning after pill script discovery. T reveals Tara "went all CSI on that pubic stash you call a backpack," to which Kate replies with glee, "Mom violated Monkey. Bitch!" then accuses T of wearing her brand new skinny jeans. T does some more totally archetypal teenaged posturing about how her ass looks amazing in them and I feel a migraine coming on but bad. Like, I guess I get that they're trying to emphasize how well-adjusted and mature Kate is as a result of her mom's mental insanity by putting it in stark relief to outrageously bratty T, but T seems to be more like someone's cartoonish idea of what an adolescent is than anything that has ever actually inhabited a teenaged body. Is that also by design? Is it supposed to be revelatory that this is Tara's subconscious's idea of what a teenager is? Somehow I doubt it's all that complex.
There's some more intolerable banter in which T announces that all of Kate's clothes are lame and they should, like, totally just hit the mall and buy new shit with Tara's credit cards, to which Kate replies "T! This is why I love you the best out of all the alters!" So that's what we're calling them. Got that?
The two insufferable twits make their way downstairs to the kitchen where nerd alert younger brother Marshall is hunched over his homework. T greets him with a "Wassup rocker?" and a head-ruffle, and he exorts "Mom!" but Kate corrects him that obviously it's T and not their mom, since their mom manages to keep her ass crack in check.
T hops up on the counter and proceeds to eat a Jello pudding with her finger while lasciviously inviting Marshall to go downtown with her and Kate, which is gross and weird on any number of levels, not least of which is the fact that SHE IS HIS EFFING MOM.