What follows is a parade of women like those you'd see on any dating show: Way too invested from the start, exhibiting varying degrees of neediness, and sometimes dressed in cringingly tacky attire. The main difference is that these ladies are full-figured and most of them actually look their ages. How many times have you seen, like, The Bachelor, where some woman says she's 24 and you bark with incredulous laughter because it looks like an archaeologist just unearthed her leathery ass from an Egyptian tomb? The girls we're about to meet range from 21 to 37 years old and they look it. The first limo pulls up, much to Luke's delight, and the girls inside are already squealing like it's prom night and someone just unscrewed the cap off the Boone's.
First out is Malissa, a waitress who never thought of herself as fat. She's wearing a lovely blue dress with a plunging neckline that seems structurally ill-advised considering her very ample bosom. Her chest has its own gravitational pull and Luke immediately looks drawn in. Next is Christina who immediately draws my ire by simpering to Luke in a little girl voice about how she wore her dress just for him. He's pleased, but I think it looks like it was made from an old satin waterbed sheet and it actually seems a little big on her from the booty on down. Next is Heather who's wearing a multi-colored halter number that's fairly flattering. She makes her mark as the first person to cry in a cutaway interview. She's never been in love or been in a good relationship, which, you know, shut up, Heather, you're still a kid. Out in front of the mansion, she asks if she can give Luke a kiss on the cheek and he gladly accepts. Inside the mansion, the girls chat about how cute Luke is, and drink. And drink. Outside, Luke is meeting Bonnie, a makeup artist who wears fishnets, a burgundy dress, has piercings, and multiple tattoos. Don't let her "intimidating" appearance fool you, though, because she really just wants to bake a pie for a man with her "wifey" skills. I'd bake a pie with an oven, but that's just me. Next up is Amanda who tells us in her interview that she's never had a boyfriend. She doesn't immediately seem desperate or unbalanced, and her boobs are mostly staying put in her blue satin dress so I have little hope of her lasting. Last out of the first limo is California girl Melissa whose halter-top dress isn't halting anything up top. She cries in her interview about loving herself and... whatever. I can't concentrate on what people are saying when they're crying because the mucus is just so distracting. She goes inside the mansion and squeals with the other girls about how sparkly Luke is.