Hi, I'll be your new regular fat people dating show weecapper. According to the previouslies, this Luke guy is kind of a whore. He makes out with everyone! Anyway, the women cook in their kitchen. One girl asks another girl (it's the second episode and we're already expected to know these people's names? Hell no. Throw some text on that screen!) if she cooks a lot at home. "Grilled cheese and macaroni," she responds. Well, that's why you're on this show. Emme screams into the room with a "LADIESSSS!!!" as Malissa interviews that Christina seems like a complainer. Well, I think Malissa seems judgmental. Emme gets the ladies together in the living room and asks if they're ready for their first dates with Luke. They are! Emme says there will be two group dates, and the women can pick who is in which group. Except not really, since the picking will actually be done by two team captains. Emme assigns Anna and "Melissa A." (who I think is actually Malissa) to those roles. There is much clapping all around, which I guess is good in that it burns calories but I'm not sure that this news is really all that clap-worthy. Anyway, Melissa isn't thrilled about the way groups are being chosen because she endured a childhood full of being the last person picked. Also, she wasn't invited to birthday parties, so let's hope one of the group dates isn't a birthday party. Anna picks Arriane first. Um, how is Arriane fat, exactly? She looks perfectly normal from where I'm sitting. Melissa A. (or Malissa) picks Mandy. Anna picks Amanda as Kristian does some mental math (she's a teacher) and realizes that the groups will have uneven numbers. Also, did she just say there are fifteen contestants left? Crap, how can I possibly tell them apart? They all look the same! Anna picks Magali, and apparently they skipped Malissa's turn. When she finally gets a chance to pick again, she takes Kristian. Anna picks Melissa, who is very happy not to be picked last. Meanwhile, that means someone else is going to be last, so where is your empathy, Melissa? Malissa picks Danielle. Anna picks Tali. Malissa picks Bonnie. Meanwhile, Christina is feeling Melissa's previous pain because she still hasn't been picked and she's having schoolyard playground flashbacks. I don't know what these women are all so upset about -- it's a good thing to be picked last because it means you're the biggest threat so no one wants you on their team. That's why the first girl chosen was the 37-year-old. Anna picks Lauren. Only Christina and Vanessa remain. Malissa picks Vanessa. Christina is devastated and embarrassed. Lauren interviews that Christina was picked last because she's a snob and thinks she's better than everyone. What? No way. Oh, wait -- Christina interviews that, weight issues aside, she's awesome. So I guess she is a snob. Emme says everyone here knows how tough it is to be picked last, because apparently if you're fat you're automatically unpopular and disliked. Not true, but okay. Anyway, this show is going to celebrate being picked last by giving Christina an alone date with Luke. The other women steam while Christina thanks them for picking her last and makes them dislike her even more. Anna and Malissa should be especially angry about this because, as team captains, they never had a chance at the alone date.
With that, Malissa's group gets the first date. They run outside to find a note from Luke, then run back inside to open the envelope. I guess it's good that they're getting exercise. What, like I'm supposed to not make fat jokes? All this show freaking talks about is how fat these people are! I have nothing else! The message says they'll be "cruising" at dusk. Kristian interviews that she's really looking forward to this date because she's "smitten" and thinks Luke is the "bee's knees." The hell? Is she hiding a time machine in that muumuu? 23 skidoo! The girls pick out outfits to wear and then they're off. Luke interviews that he's looking forward to this first date and helping the women get over some bad date experiences they've had in the past. The Hummer limo arrives at a yacht. Yes, it's a booze cruise. They gather on the deck with glasses of alcohol and Luke says they should all have a good time tonight and "let's do this damn thing." Anyone else think he looks like a fat young Marc Summers? Meanwhile, Heather is feeling light-headed and has butterflies in her stomach. She wonders if it's from the champagne. That, or the roofies Luke put in it. Oh! Heather takes one sip of the champagne and excuses herself to barf off the side of the boat. Damn! I thought she was feeling light-headed and full of butterflies because she was in love, but it turns out she's either really prone to seasickness or she got some ill-timed food poisoning. Everyone can hear Heather puking, and Luke says he feels bad for her. No he doesn't! He's grossed out like anyone else would be. Malissa is loving this, because it just increases her chances. Heather comes back up to the top deck sobbing and Luke tells her not to worry about it and to concentrate on feeling better. But Heather is still crying in her interview, so I guess she didn't listen. She lies down on a couch while Malissa says she "got another one out of the way." Dude, did she poison Heather's drink or something?
After the break, Heather is forgotten about as Luke pours more drinks and gets ready for fun. Malissa confidently throws an arm around Luke and welcomes everyone to "their" yacht. Malissa interviews that it's part of her role as the team captain to take charge. Also, she's evil. She gets Luke alone and tells him all the things she likes about him: he's level-headed and "takes care of business." Hasn't she known him for all of three minutes? Anyway, then they make out and Malissa thinks her connection to Luke is real and he makes her feel like a beautiful skinny person.
Time to eat! Bonnie says she likes the idea of competing for the love of someone who doesn't care what she looks like. Until you both die young from heart disease. Everyone eats except for Heather, and Bonnie says she likes feeling like she can eat and enjoy her food without feeling like she's being judged. "Ladies, I'm very happy you were able to join us this evening," Malissa says. Her act seems to be wearing thin with the other girls. Kristian doesn't think that Malissa is a "real" fat girl because she gained weight after high school. In other words, Malissa is not the bee's knees. Luke proposes a seriously cheesy toast. Meanwhile, Heather is still sobbing on the couch.
Kristian gets alone time with Luke next. She tells him that she feels like "a little kid" when she's around him. Well, that's sexy. Luke says he thinks Kristian is a "very special girl" and "sweet." Yeah, he's not into her. "He loves me for me," she says. He doesn't love you, Kristian. And you don't love him! Reality dating shows mess with people's minds. Kristian says that the other girls tease her for the way she turns red when she talks about Luke. The alone time ends with a peck on the cheek and a one-armed hug. Kristian thinks she's special to get that kiss because she has no idea what Malissa got from Luke. How can any of Kristian's students respect her after this?
Luke checks in on Heather, who is now sleeping on the couch. Luke wakes her up and she says hi with her barf breath. "She's such a trooper," Luke says. He sits with her on the couch and asks what a guy would have to do to sweep her off her feet. Heather says he's doing a good job of it already. "I've never had a guy tell me I was precious before," she says. Neither have I. My grandmother tells me I'm precious, though. Heather sobs in her interview that she's been cheated on and lied to before, but Luke is "definitely" not that kind of guy. How does she know? Obviously her judgment sucks, since she keeps falling for scumbags. But she thinks that he loves her for her because he's big like she is, as if fat men never cheat or lie. Heather really pours on the praise when she tells Luke that she's excited to date a guy who is bigger than she is. Way to call him fat, H