Good news, everyone! Since I started weecapping this show, I've lost ten pounds! Okay, yes -- it's because I had a tonsillectomy and couldn't eat solid food for two weeks, but I prefer to think that I was inspired by the desperate and sad people on this show. It's morning at the big house, and Kristian wants everyone to know that she eats waffles for breakfast. And they appear to still be frozen, based on the looks of them. Also, way to have more butter than waffle on the plate, Kristian. Just shell out for Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, and then you'll have butter and syrup in one easy package! It's the best of both worlds! The rest of the girls, meanwhile, are savoring the fact that they're still in the game and so many other girls have gone home. Kristian runs in with a note from Luke inviting her and Mandy to meet him out front for a dancing date. Is it just me, or does "Luke" have different handwriting every week? And yet, it's always really girly. Anyway, Kristian is really excited, of course, while Mandy cannot possibly be looking forward to spending time with a crazy person. Or Luke, really. Kristian interviews that she hopes that Mandy breaks her ankle so she can't dance with Luke. "That would be bad," Kristian says, looking particularly psycho. Holy shit, Mandy, look out! It's too late -- surely she's already dead. Mandy claims that she loves to dance, but her attempt to show off her dance moves leaves much to be desired. That might be because she's standing next to Kristian and thus must be on her guard at all times. Mandy and Kristian make fun of the remaining four girls for not getting to go on dates and leave, as if those four girls aren't all sitting there right now counting their blessings they aren't in Kristian's line of fire.
Kristian and Mandy meet Luke outside, and he says he's looking forward to a dancing date with them because they're the two best dancers in the house. I haven't seen the other four dance, but I'm still sure they're better than Kristian and Mandy too, most likely. The three limo over to Mama Juana's, which I've never heard of but is clearly a hopping joint based on the fact that Luke, Mandy, and Kristian are the only people there. Luke holds both of their hands, which just looks weird, while the two women attempt to out-sexy each other with unsexy results. They take a seat at a booth and drink what appear to be glasses full of lime wedges. And then two thin people enter and start dancing. Kristian says that when she moves her legs like that, "it looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket." As long as the pigs stay under that blanket, I'm okay with it. After all of two seconds of dance demonstration, the three fat people are forced to applaud for the skinny dancers and then it's time for Rodrigo and Sarah to teach them how to dance themselves. Rodrigo so wishes that he was on Dancing with the Stars. Or even Dance Your Ass Off. Rodrigo grabs Kristian's hips to show her a dance move, and now I'm sure she's fallen head over heels in love with him. Watch your ankles, Sarah! Luke and Kristian take some time to practice their newly-learned moves together while Mandy watches, so alone. And then it's Mandy's turn to dance with Luke. And now that I'm seeing more of Mandy's body and actually know what her name is, I have to say I don't think she's fat.
The remaining four girls decide to make cupcakes and a card for Luke while they have nothing else to do. You know what, ladies? If you're that bored, why not exercise instead of making yourselves look more pathetic than usual?
Back at Mama Juana's, Luke wants alone time with Kristian first. Mandy thinks this means that Luke likes Kristian more than her. Meanwhile, Luke and Kristian's "alone time" takes place like two booths away from where Mandy is sitting trying not to look at them. It's really awkward. I guess Mama Juana's doesn't have a VIP room. Luke says it's really important that his woman feels appreciated. Kristian agrees, and tells us that she was just a fat girl to the last guy she dated. I still can't believe she's a teacher, by the way. People entrust their children's safety and education to her on a daily basis! It's so scary. Kristian claims that Luke "loves" her for who she is. Just because the producer signs the notes "love, Luke" does not mean that Luke actually loves you, Kristian. And with that, Kristian and Luke dance. Mandy returns from a powder to see Luke kissing Kristian. Even though the kiss lacks chemistry or even much contact, Mandy is devastated and sulks off to the bathroom. Luke goes to check on her, but all he can do is knock on the door, because it's the women's room. And Mandy couldn't let him in anyway since her foot is caught in the bear trap Kristian put there earlier.
After the break, Mandy's hissy fit has gotten the results she desired: Luke's attention, and an end to Kristian's alone time. Mandy and Luke sit on a stage that has a bunch of candles and flowers in front of it in a sad attempt to inject atmosphere into Mama Juana's. Mandy tells Luke that it's hard for her to share him with other women. Luke basically says that's the game she signed on for, but he'll do his best to make her feel special during their alone times together, except that he can't because Mandy spends all of their alone times talking about how upset she is that Luke is dating other women.
The date is soon over and the ladies return to the house, where the other four demand to hear about their date. Meanwhile, Luke has spotted his cupcakes, and Kristian is outraged that the four girls made Luke food, to the point that she nearly strangles Heather before catching herself and playing it off like a joke. But it was not a joke, and everyone knows it. Kristian interviews that she didn't appreciate the other girls stealing her thunder, even though for that to happen she would have to have some thunder to steal.
The next day, it's Malissa's turn for a date. Luke says they'll be going in a helicopter together, and this will be an "adventurous" date. It sure is! I wouldn't go anywhere near a helicopter with someone who weighed over 250 pounds. It's not about me discriminating against fat people -- it's about me not wanting to fall out of the sky. Not falling out of the sky is really important to me. Malissa is thrilled to get a solo date, while the other girls are pissed off and jealous. Ha! Malissa limos to an airfield and meets Luke at a helicopter. They kiss as it lifts off. Luke interviews that he's having stronger and stronger feelings for Malissa
's boobs. And since no date on this show is complete without alcohol, the helicopter soon lands at a vineyard. There's also a table with lots of food, and Luke toasts to "riding on the clouds with my girl Malissa." "Aww!" Malissa says, as if that wasn't really cheesy like everything else Luke says. Seriously, his mouth would be a cheese factory if it hadn't been cited by the health department for being a breeding ground for whatever communicable diseases he's caught by kissing ten different women in one day. Luke and Malissa talk about how they have a connection and stuff. They kiss, and then pour a bowl of some kind of gravy onto their lunches.
Back at the big house, the three remaining girls get a group date with Luke, which sucks for them. Except for Heather, since she's already had two solo dates with Luke. It looks like they're going to the beach with Luke tomorrow, and that pisses them off even more. Tali complains that every date she has with Luke puts her in a bathing suit. Meanwhile, Tali looks so much better in her interview footage than the reality footage! How does that happen? Maybe it's because in the reality footage she's wearing unflattering glasses and too much make-up?
Back at the vineyard, Luke and Malissa take a walk so they can make out while lying on a blanket. Luke pops the cork out of bottle of wine because he thinks that makes him look really sexy, and Malissa interviews that she might be falling in love with him. I think it's just too much wine.
After the break, the pro