Okay, first of all are you KIDDING me? A two-hour finale?? I was not expecting this. I did not plan for this. I did not set aside enough time in my night for this. Crap. But on the positive side, this is the finale and that means no more listening to women talk about how amazing it is to find a man who doesn't care that they're fat while the man says nothing about how awesome it is to meet women who don't care that he is also fat. And since this episode is twice as long as usual, maybe that means twice as much Emme. So she'll get, like, a whole thirty seconds of camera time!
We open in Luke's hometown, Santa Maria. It's full of cows and blue collar workers and Luke claims that despite all the exotic places he's been and the cool stuff he's done in those places (as a real estate developer? Okay), he loves coming home. But he knows this will be difficult because now he must choose between two amazing women. Well, one amazing woman. And another woman with giant boobs. He recaps his relationship with Malissa thus far, claiming that she's more than the pretty face he initially thought and is really deep and stuff. But he's not sure if she's ready for marriage. On the other hand, there's Tali, who he has a deep connection with that he hopes will be enough to overcome the fact that they're from two different backgrounds. Luke then claims that he does not take falling in love lightly. Well, duh. It's people who are very serious about falling in love that choose to do so on a gimmicky reality show.
Tali limos into town. Oh, the small town blue collar folk will surely be impressed with her and her big city luxury automobile. The limo pulls up to the park where Luke is playing with his prop dog and Tali runs out to greet Luke and claim that she missed him. Luke, who is wearing vertical stripes today in an effort to look slim, introduces Tali to his dog Max and immediately forces her to take him for a walk with him. They throw stuff in a nearby pond. I think they're supposed to be feeding the ducks, but there are no ducks in sight, so maybe not. Luke runs down the schedule with Tali: today she'll meet his dad, brother, and grandmother. But not his mother, because his parents are divorced. Tali says she's nervous about meeting his family, of course, but he doesn't think she has anything to worry about. And with that, they happen upon a picnic set up. Tali interviews that when she's with Luke she feels accepted and loved for "who I am." I am so sick of hearing the girls say that. Tali asks Luke what she can do to prepare to meet his father. He doesn't have much advice, saying he's sure his dad will love her. Tali wonders if he'll ask her about the fact that she's "from a different religion," because that's a fun conversation to have with your son's reality show girlfriend when you meet her for the first time. Luke says he probably will, but it won't be a grilling. "It's just a part of life to be concerned about those things," Luke says. It doesn't have to be. Amazingly, Luke finally says the J-word and says in an interview that Tali is Jewish. His family, on the other hand, are "all devout Christians." Well, if they're devout then I can kind of see why Luke and Tali are worried that her non-Christianity will be a problem. And vice-versa -- if Tali's parents live in Israel then it's pretty safe to assume that they're very much into being Jewish. But since this show didn't want to pay to fly Tali's parents out here it's not important now. Luke says that as long as his family can see how much he likes her, the religion thing shouldn't be a problem. Despite what Luke said to Tali about how his family will love and accept her as much as he has, he interviews that he's not sure how they'll react to her.
Bizarrely, we cut to exterior shots of Los Angeles before heading back to Santa Maria which, while it is in California, is not in Los Angeles. The limo pulls up outside Luke's dad's house and Luke and Tali step out and head inside. They find the Luke family men and grandma in the backyard preparing for one hell of a barbecue. Despite the massive amount of meat present, Dad, Brother, and Grandma are all pretty thin. Brother introduces himself as Michael and looks a decade older than Luke while Grandma refuses to give out her name to Tali, telling her to call her "Grandma" instead. That's right, Grandma -- the less you can be associated with this show, the better. Dad's name is also Michael but he goes by "Mike." Mike, who might have hairplugs, interviews that his first impression of Tali is that she's attractive. Grandma cannot stop holding Tali's hand and walks her off into the yard away from the menfolk. If they ever do a remake of Beverly Hillbillies, I suggest they look at Grandma to play Granny. While the men drink beer, Grandma gets to know Tali, asking her where she's from. Of course, Tali has to admit that she's from Israel. "Oh ... okay ... " Grandma says, trying not to look disappointed in front of a national television audience. Don't worry, Grandma. Only my mom, me, Emme's mom, and a handful of people who probably know they should know better are actually watching this. Tali says she's looking forward to taking Luke to Israel to meet her family, which Grandma cannot be excited about. Not because of the Jewish thing, but because Israel is kind of dangerous. I wouldn't want someone I loved going there. But Grandma just says that it's important to learn about different cultures.
Different subject! Grandma asks Tali what her favorite thing about Luke is. "He's probably one of the most genuine people I've ever met," Tali says. Ha! Every other word out of his mouth has been fed to him by a producer. "Everything he says and does is from the heart," Tali adds. Yeah, just not his heart. By the way, I am digging Grandma's little ascot scarf thing. Not many people could pull that off, but she does. Her and Fred from Scooby-Doo.
Back with the men, it's Luke's turn to reveal Tali's shocking secret of Jewishness. But since we've already spent way too much time on this, they don't say much and we cut to everyone sitting down for dinner. Uh oh!! They say grace before every meal! What will Tali do with all of her non-grace-saying Jewishness?? She'll bow her head and hold hands along with the rest of the family. No big deal. They don't show if she says "amen" along with them. Probably not, though. Mike jokes that they should just have church right here. Tali laughs. Then Mike says "praise the lord and pass the pataters!" and the laughter gets polite. Mike spends the rest of the meal being kind of obnoxious. Michael steps up and asks Tali what the funnest date she's had with Luke has been. Tali mentions their last date in the water, and Luke explains that he "planned" a snorkeling date without knowing that Tali is "deathly afraid" of water. It turns out that she doesn't even know how to swim. Maybe she would be less afraid of water if she knew how to be in it without drowning? Take a swimming lesson, Tali. You will be so embarrassed if you die by a completely preventable drowning.
Mike gets serious for a second and asks Tali what she likes about Luke. Tali says that she and Luke share "the same perspective about life." She grew up being put down for her weight and made to feel insecure, so she wants to have something to do with inspiring children who are in the same position to feel good about themselves and achieve their dreams. But I thought she was a fashion stylist? Anyway, the family toasts to Luke and Tali and then head inside for dessert. Mike asks Tali about the weather in Israel. She says it's not like the weather in Santa Maria because it's humid. Mike asks if it's "still really humid" near the ocean. First of all, Tali isn't going anywhere near an ocean to find out, as we know. Second of all, duh. It's always going to be more humid next to an ocean. Mike asks Tali how she feels about Christianity being "Israeli." Because everyone in Israel is Jewish as far as Mike is concerned. Tali's answer is cut up too much to make any sense. Mike asks about how they'll raise their