MONDO EXTRAS

A History of Violence

by Zach Oat May 23, 2008
Indiana Jones: Scientist or Criminal?

After Short Round frees him from the spell, Indy pretty much single-handedly wipes out the Thuggee cult. One guy dies in a rock crusher, but it was totally an accident, and Indy actually tries to pull him out, which totally doesn't work. (The log they put in front of the other mine cart, killing three? Now that worked.) Indy is finally run to ground in the middle of a 100-year-old bridge... and that's when he chops it in half, sending all of the cultists on it at the time plummeting towards the river full of crocodiles below. Now, that seems pretty criminal, but to be fair, Indy really didn't want to do it. I mean, Short Round was on the bridge, too, and how does that look to an adoption counselor? But the fact that he really had no other options, and that he uses his mad knowledge to sacrifice the sankara stones rather than let the cultists have them, shows that he had utterly selfless intentions here.

Temple of Doom Verdict: SCIENTIST.

INDIANA JONES & THE LAST CRUSADE
The Last Crusade finally shows us two things: 1) Indiana has a juvenile record, and 2) He's committed crimes in the U.S., as well as abroad. While on a Boy Scouts expedition in Utah, a 13-year-old Henry trespasses on a circus train after stealing the Cross of Coronado from treasure-hunters, and in the five minutes he's on board, he manages to break three separate train cars and enrage a lion, a rhino and a giant snake. Then the cops come and give the cross back to the gang anyway. But Indy gets the last laugh, by causing their elderly ringleader to get washed overboard in a storm 26 years later. Take that, old man! Verdict: CRIMINAL.

Deciding to spread his crime spree around, geographically speaking, Indy heads to Venice to track down his missing dad, where he finds his path blocked by a stone library floor... which he promptly smashes open with a pole. He doesn't even look very hard for a trap door, and to this day I think there must have been one somewhere. He obviously has no respect for other people's property, as he next steals a boat and leads his pursuers on a chase that ends with the other two boats destroyed, two more boats on fire and one boat with extensive propeller damage. Exceptions can be made because he believes his father is in danger, but it seems like his motto in life is, "When in doubt, hit someone or steal something fast." Verdict: CRIMINAL.

Jones' next crime? Impersonating a Scotsman. Making his way to a castle on the border of Germany, he enters under the guise of a Scottish lord before knocking the building's elderly butler unconscious. He basically clocks the guy for making fun of his terrible accent. Crashing through a window and destroying a valuable replica Ming vase with his head, he finds his father and discovers that the entire castle is a Nazi front... which makes everything he's just done totally okay. He and his father can shoot people, set the building on fire and even steal a motorcycle, and everything is hunky-dory. Because they're Nazis, and they deserve it. Verdict: SCIENTIST.

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