Randi will think that her new fake fiancé is another reality-show contestant, luminary novelist Amy Tan sneers, "but, in fact, there's nothing real about him." Ooooh, I see. This is going to be one of those My Big Fat Beautiful Mind Fiancé deals, where the real twist ending is that this whole show exists entirely inside of her mind! Well, at least that means we can start referring to the washed-out Randi by the totally appropriate nickname of Russell CrowesFeet. Joke's on us, America. Joke's on us. "He's an actor who is going to become the most obnoxious, the most offensive fiancé imaginable." But Randi (or, as Amy Tan refers to her, "Raaaaahndi") stands to gain "a fortune" if she makes it through the engagement and to the altar. "It's like a kid on Christmas Eve," Raaahndi intones optimistically. "Raaaandi is about to meet her big, fat, obnoxious fiancé," Amy Tan intones gravely. My Big Fat Greek Fiancé is brought to you by IronyCam. And by the letters, "Y, O, Y, O, Y?"
Entirely sidestepping the potholes of good intentions here on what can't be any other than The Road To Hell, the limo pulls up the circular driveway in front of Tan Mansion. A gloved, white-tied servant pulls open the limo door (see that? How they're so consciously subverting the gravitas of other reality dating shows? Isn't it genius?), and Randi steps out. The soundtrack kicks up with a few flourishes that prove a lot more people know the music cue of Mikey coming across the skull of One-Eyed Willie than you'd initially expect (and might provide some closure if Randi can take this thing to the finish line and dance around for our amusement screaming "Fifty dollar bills! Fifty dollar bills!"), and Randi edges ever closer toward the house. A few steps further, a girl draped in a white muumuu of some Homer-on-disability repute hands Randi a bouquet of flowers, and the camera captures her piercing Randi's back with her eyes because she wants you to know she's "acting!" Two tuxedoed men open the giant front doors, and Randi steps through, and another girl is soon to affix a wedding train to Randi's dress as she walks into the white marble entryway. "It looked a lot like a wedding dress," Randi editorializes as yet another girl adds a veil to the ensemble. You think? Randi continues to an outdoor deck, where -- hey, I don't remember Randi registering for a life-size leather wallet in a black pantsuit! Oh, sorry Amy Tan. Forgot you were there. Amy Tan finally gets around to introducing herself as "Claudia," which I guess is supposed to provide some context. Claudia proclaims that Randi looks "stunning" (why, thank you, Claudia. You look...jerkied), and asks her how she's doing. Randi admits that she's nervous, and Claudia does nothing to assuage these nerves when she launches right in: "Tonight, you will be engaged."