My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 1

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The Con Is Wan

Oh, look. Here's The Host. The wedding invitations are going out tomorrow morning. Eleven days! Eleven days! Randi stares in horror as The Host says that she arranged their first date -- a day of treatment at a spa. Steve will have the deep tissue up his nose massage, I'll bet. And if there isn't a "shiatsu" "god bless you" exchange somewhere during this date, it's only because they edited it out. My heroes.

Spa day, ten minutes later. Steve and Randi are in a room together in towels on the massage table. "Steve naked is not so appealing to me right now," Randi notes, and I must say on this issue I can agree. Yes, the dude has a hairy back. He makes moaning noises during the massage, pausing at moments to note, "She's playing with my back fat" and "Think about baseball, think about baseball." Six weeks of this. Steve: "When we're married, we should do this all the time." Steve laughs in a confessional that he's doing a good job on convincing Randi that he's falling in love with her. They walk out of the spa treatment, and Steve appears outside of Randi's changing room. He tells her that he thinks one way for them to get to know each other better would be for her to see him naked. She reports "negative" from behind the curtain, so we're the ones who have to get to know him better, as he strips to his tighty-whities and starts dancing around: "I'll dance for you. I'll dance naked." It goes on for quite some time. "People say I got a nice butt, despite what you might think. I'm like a pear on sticks." Give him credit, people. He's working for this. F. Afterward, Randi tells us, "I still have this picture, even though I never even saw Steve, standing there in his boxers." Boxers, eh? Oh, honey. Puh-leeze.

Back at the house, Steve begs Randi to stay down with him and have one glass of wine, which she refuses. She doesn't get his "crazy ways." But she does get that he "might be wanting more" out of this. He stares at her uncomfortably and dances around and giggles. She reminds him that "this is a business plan," telling us that she thinks he's "a child with ADD." Montage of Steve dancing. I hate it. I hate it. I really, really hate it. Randi goes in for a confessional, at which time Steve -- wearing a bathing suit and wandering around the house holding a bottle of wine -- screams that he's going in "the hot tub." In that selfsame confessional, Randi mourns that Steve can't control himself; she tears up at the very sound of his voice and tells us, "I wanna go home. I wanna go home really bad." Outside, Steve climbs in the hot tub and Randi starts to bawl. She goes in a hot tub of her own runny mascara. I'm going to Hell just knowing about it.

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance

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