My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 1

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The Con Is Wan

Entirely sidestepping the potholes of good intentions here on what can't be any other than The Road To Hell, the limo pulls up the circular driveway in front of Tan Mansion. A gloved, white-tied servant pulls open the limo door (see that? How they're so consciously subverting the gravitas of other reality dating shows? Isn't it genius?), and Randi steps out. The soundtrack kicks up with a few flourishes that prove a lot more people know the music cue of Mikey coming across the skull of One-Eyed Willie than you'd initially expect (and might provide some closure if Randi can take this thing to the finish line and dance around for our amusement screaming "Fifty dollar bills! Fifty dollar bills!"), and Randi edges ever closer toward the house. A few steps further, a girl draped in a white muumuu of some Homer-on-disability repute hands Randi a bouquet of flowers, and the camera captures her piercing Randi's back with her eyes because she wants you to know she's "acting!" Two tuxedoed men open the giant front doors, and Randi steps through, and another girl is soon to affix a wedding train to Randi's dress as she walks into the white marble entryway. "It looked a lot like a wedding dress," Randi editorializes as yet another girl adds a veil to the ensemble. You think? Randi continues to an outdoor deck, where -- hey, I don't remember Randi registering for a life-size leather wallet in a black pantsuit! Oh, sorry Amy Tan. Forgot you were there. Amy Tan finally gets around to introducing herself as "Claudia," which I guess is supposed to provide some context. Claudia proclaims that Randi looks "stunning" (why, thank you, Claudia. You look...jerkied), and asks her how she's doing. Randi admits that she's nervous, and Claudia does nothing to assuage these nerves when she launches right in: "Tonight, you will be engaged."

"No way!"

Pause.

"Are you serious?"

Pause.

Fifty dollar bills! Sigh.

I, Claudia: "Tonight, you're gonna be paired up with a complete and total stranger." A what? "You've never met this person before." Oh.

A group of ten men stand in tuxedoes on a raised platform some way off as Claudia continues by saying that Randi and one man are going to pull off "a spectacular con on [Randi's] family and friends." Randi laughs wickedly and tells Claudia that she's "scared, but excited," which is exactly how I feel in a world where how I really feel is "bored, but repulsed. But mostly bored." Oh man, she's still explaining the show to Randi. Couldn't they have just shown her some of the promos on the way to the house? Show don't tell, Fox. Show don't tell. Okay. Claudia reports that they told Randi's family that she went on a reality TV show, that she met the man of her dreams, that the two of them are engaged, and that they're getting married in twelve days. "And," Claudia congressionally filibusters like she's stumping to kill zoning legislation outlawing full-service tanning salons inside residential living rooms, "you have to make sure that your mom, you dad, your brothers, and your sister all attend your wedding." If Randi can pull it off, she'll win a half a million dollars: $250,000 for her, $250,000 for her parents. But if anyone refuses to come, or anyone objects during the ceremony, she gets nothing. Dude, I can think of at least one much more time-and-pride-efficient way for her to leave without a cent. And if there's anything this situation calls for? It's a faux-Hitchcockian music cue. Oh, there it is now.

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance

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