My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 1

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The Con Is Wan

Randi's wide eyes bug so far out of her head that, yes, I will tell them Large Marge sent me, and she frets, "This is gonna be hard." But apparently the producers made a major early misstep in thinking Randi was going to see the ten guys and decide to take this challenge head-on until they showed her who the guy really was. But she already seems nonplussed and bothered and not entirely embracing of the situation, and it doesn't help that Claudia's repeated entreaties of "No, this is gonna be a lot of fun" call further attention to the fact that they can't pull the proverbial rug out from under Randi because she already looks like she's face-down on the white marble bleeding, with her ass in the air and her pride in the hock shop. But they sure are gonna try: "You have twelve handsome gentlemen who want to help you pull this off," Claudia says, futilely gesturing up to the podium where a slightly mollified Randi was supposed to go trick-or-treating for eye candy. Claudia asks the guys if they're all happy to help her pull off this con, and they all nod faithfully. They each introduce themselves in blurb form, getting on one knee and offering their names. Since this is merely a failing ruse, even knowing their names is probably in excess of the knowledge you even require, but you know what? I give and I give and I give. So here they are: Jeff, Nick, Craig, Antoine, Braydon, Scott, Eric, Tanah, Cleveland, and Damian. And, in addition, I promise you with my good name as a recapper but also as a man that at least 80% of those names are spelled within three letters of the correct spelling.

"Nice to meet you," Randi says flatly. "Very nice," adds Claudia. Yeah, nice try.

One not terrible idea that I mentioned last week would be a great hook for the opening segment of The Bachelor/ette is that Randi has to narrow the field down to three men right away. From this pack of the unemployed, the friends of people on the production staff, and the deranged, Randi narrows it down to Jeff, Nick, and Scott, perhaps the only three men whose names she can remember. The other seven dash off to think they're hot enough property to get themselves TV agents (they're not), and Claudia mourns, "Such a waste." Now, see, that I also don't get. If she were playing a character where she was totally jaded about reality television and was all consistently snarky about everything, that comment would have been awesome. OR if she had been a famous washed-out reality-show hag like Susan Hawk or Christina from The Bachelor who was delivering these lines as if she were all mournful and ghouly and had the chains of Jacob Marley and The Ghost Of Reality-Show Contestants Past draped around her next, that would be awesome, too. But this group of totally uncontextualized weirdos is made even more incomprehensible by Claudia editorializing like that, and if y'all really want this show to work, there should be no moment this early in it that's met with nothing more emotionally invested a response than, "...and you are...?"

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance




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