My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 1

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The Con Is Wan

Anyway, three guys, no waiting. The three remaining gentlemen each get back down on one knee, each holding an engagement ring on a pillow (so soft so downy so sleeeeeeeepy), and Claudia asks point blank, "Do you think these guys will be able to fool your folks?" Apparently, the correct answer to this question should be nothing short of "Of course! They're so hunky! This should be a breeze were some crusty ol' bit of juxtaposition not about to get in the way and muck this all up!" Lacking that response, Claudia has to backpedal again, desperately pointing out, "But look at them!" Man. I mean, even taking into consideration Randi's lukewarm response to the guys and her feelings that her parents are going to freak out no matter who she's going to bring home, they could have turned off the cameras for nine seconds and re-spun the scene, instead of having Claudia play catch-up the whole time, having her say, "Well, if these guys aren't good enough for you, then, wait until you see what we're actually giving you." But no. Claudia stays the course, arguing that this prime beefcake are awesome, begging her to realize that she's done "a pretty good job." That's some power copy right there, eh, Claudia? However, there's "just one thing. Just a small little detail." Claudia even does the two fingertips close together to indicate more than trace levels of "small" found in the water. You guys? Are we watching Claudia...acting?

Not realizing that she's lost utter hold of the situation already, Claudia presses on, "You didn't think that we were going to make it that easy for you, did you?" Randi shoots back a genuinely perplexed look that reminds Claudia, the producers, the gaffer, us, you, America, and the miniscule Canadian viewing audience huddled around heat lamps and generators, squinting their eyes at the dull, flickering signal that just barely carries this network over the border and fidgeting with their bunny-eared tin-foil-covered antennae (god bless their frozen souls) that she never thought it was going to be "that easy" under any circumstances. But whatever. It's just Fox. Instead, they decided to make things "a little more challenging," telling Randi, "Meet your fiancé." A spotlight hits a red velvet curtain at the back of the podium as a string instrument trills on high. A rustling behind the curtain yields a dude in a tux wearing white socks. He's kind of overweight, but, y'know, it's not horrible or anything. He's pretty sweaty. Er, what I mean is: "He so big! And fat! And hoo boy, but do I bet he's obnoxious! I can't believe that this guy is her fiancé!" Is that better? "Hey," he says, looking at Randi for the first time, and the strings kick up. The strings cue from Psycho shower scene that isn't in the public domain, exactly. Bernard Herrmann finally kicks his way out of the grave and is all, "Nah, not even worth it," before returning to the sweet, sweet slumber in which I will soon try to join him.

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance

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