My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 1

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The Con Is Wan

Back from a well-deserved but always-too-short fast-forward-palooza of commercials, some story editor somewhere saw the moment of this guy's stumble out from the room in Agent Cooper's dream as being such a transcendent, defining moment of the television canon that we're forced to watch the whole thing again. Claudia welcomes him with a jocular "Hey, Steve." Said Steve busts past the three guys still on bended knee and walks down to meet the girls. Claudia asks what his first impressions are, and he busts out, "She's hot." We kick it with our first confessional of Steve, who says he thinks Randi was "still reeling from losing all the handsome hunks." Awww, Steve. Just like an actor. Following a script even when it makes absolutely no sense to do so. The good news about all this, of course, is that reality television has taken one positive step in actually employing an actor. Maybe next they'll increase the number of actors on the shows, give them written scripts by actual writers to read from, and have those actors memorize the words on the scripts and deliver them aloud. I even thought of a name for this mutant genre: "scripted television." What do you guys think?

Claudia follows up by turning to Randi and asking her what she thinks of Steve. She offers that he has "very nice eyes." In a confessional, Randi (whose official title is, according to this show, brilliantly, "'Bride'/Doesn't know Steve is an Actor") tells us that her family's response to Steve will closely mirror her own. Her family will think he has really nice eyes? Randi clarifies: "You're crazy." Claudia tells Randi that they intentionally looked for someone who was "a little bit of a mismatch," as Steve offers in a confessional, "The most important thing is that she believes me. Believes me as a real person. And I think she's buying it." He then erupts into braying peels of shrill, abrasive, foul-breathed laughter. Oh, I think she'll buy it, Steve-O. I think we're all buying it more than a little just about now. Claudia reminds them of their mission one more time, and Steve and Randi laugh somewhat awkwardly. They agree to take on the challenge, and the devil's bargain is solidified by Steve's getting down on his knees and slipping a ring on the wrong finger on Randi's left hand. The fact that we can see their breaths during this supposedly sacred rite proves finally, verifiably, irrevocably, that Hell has completely frozen over.

Even Steve has no idea what Claudia's name is, as he tells us, "After the ceremony, Randi and I went into the house, and the host gave us a tour." Hee. "The host." Randi tells us that it's a $10 million mansion, and she reveals her own slightly...well, big, fat, obnoxious side when she notes "classy" touches like velour couches and shag carpeting. If that's not clever foreshadowing for a happy ending, this show is an even more lowly production misfire than I had initially thought. Except I'm measuring my hate for this show on the Kelvin scale, so that's technically not possible without all life function hitting absolute zero and effectively ending humanity as we know it. The roaches survive. The roaches and the Fox programming execs survive.

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance

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