My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 1

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The Con Is Wan

That Steve! What a big, fat, obnoxious guy! He makes for the fridge and asks for beer, failing to find it and instead opting for a can of whip cream that he tilts directly back down his throat. Mom! The big fat obnoxious guy in the kitchen won't share his whippets again!

The Host shows Randi into her room, and Steve throws himself on her bed and claims, "I could get used to this." Randi sits down on the bed and Steve comments -- so brilliantly it's close-captioned so that its brilliant theatricality may simultaneously engage all of the senses -- "This is where Randi gets randy." She stands up in horror, barking, "Well, I don't know about that." Steve confessionalizes that he feels "a little dirty" eliciting these kinds of responses from her. That Steve! What a big, fat, obnoxious guy! And that will be my answer to everything until this show sees fit to start doing something else in a big, fat hurry.

Maybe this is something. Outside on a back deck somewhere, Randi, her fiancé Steve, and The Host stand admiring a view, and Steve notes a neighboring house, choosing this moment to scream, "Your house sucks! Our house kicks your house's ass." And then, in a spontaneous moment of good that the show itself had absolutely no control over, a lone dog starts barking loudly in response. Also accepted as an answer would have been: car alarm going off. I wouldn't have minded that, either.

Steve's bathroom has a bidet. Did they give that to him because they thought it would be good for a bout with wacky hijincks, or did someone get confused by the accent aigu and just go in for the whole French package? Either way, Steve makes sure to spray himself in the eye with it, and Randi rejoices in a confessional that her family does not have a bidet. I'm sure it doesn't matter. They're gonna make Steve go in the yard, anyway.

While Steve is ostensibly cleaning himself up, The Host escorts her off, and Steve is left with a moment of private contemplation. In what was no doubt a fully staged event, Steve's eyes set on a large green vase, which he picks up. He stares gleefully into the camera, smiles broadly, and drops the offending tchotchke on a square wooden block -- The VaseBreaker Cube, I believe the Williams-Sonoma bridal registry called it -- shattering it into a million pieces. From a distance, Randi screams out loud, walking back down the hallway to see the carnage. Steve curses twice, and apologizes to The Host, who tells him to "breathe." A confessional finds Randi admitting, "Nothing goes right for the kid. I just, I feel so bad for him." First of all, I hate it when people refer to members of their peer group as "this kid," even if they're on the thirty side of twenty-five. Second of all, put down the flowers. I'm embarrassed for them. In a confessional, Steve celebrates the fact that Randi didn't return to the bathroom, because if she had looked at the broken vase she might have sussed out foul play. So one of the dramatic conventions of the show is that they're always supposed to be on the brink of giving away the secret. Check. Nothing like a bigfatobnoxiousmotif. Really. We got it. It's fine. Thanks.

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance

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