My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 3

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Halfway Done! Halfway Done!

I'm guessing the shot of Anna shaking her head in immediate horror is ripped from another spot and crowbarred in here, because if she's really that used to Randi's dating astronauts, football players, metaphysical rulers of the universe, and other assorted perfect representations of the oft-mutated Y-chromosome, well, then, HOW COME SHE ISN'T WITH ANY OF THEM RIGHT NOW? And besides, Steve hardly looks unpresentable on his lumber to the table, decked out as he is in a blue button-down and dark pants like the responsible Blockbuster employee his aesthetic currently suggests. He offers an introductory "Hey," because he's cool like Fonzie, and Randi kicks into unconvincing character mode as the loving about-to-be-bride with her plastered smile and her seemingly sedative-induced "Hi, Steven." From the safety of a confessional, Steve reports that "her reaction was interesting," which has to be a little bit of a bummer for him, because he hasn't even had a chance to pull the "obnoxious" card yet, meaning that Anna finds him an unappealing mate for her best friend for the same reason, one must assume, that even real women would find him repugnant. Two chins aren't a character choice. They're a dessert choice.

And yet, Steve is game about the whole thing, reporting in this same confessional, "Her reaction was like, 'Hey,' and 'It's nice to meet you,'" and when Steve confessionalizes Anna's first words to him, the shot is actually of Anna mouthing them as voiced over by Steve. A gifted improvisatory actor and as well a phenom at ventriloquism! Why, this man is chockablock with absolutely useless skills! Hey, Steve, do that again! Except when your dummy talks, you drink a glass of water! And then, for your next trick, say, "Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both reached for the gun the gun the gun the gun oh yes we both reached for the gun for the gun." ["If Steve could also throw knives and tapdance, and was maybe in an a capella quartet, I might think about liking him a tiny bit." -- Wing Chun]

Steve cops to being excited and nervous, which is hilarious shorthand surely only the plummeting dishware will fail to enjoy. Randi introduces Steve to "Anna, my best friend," and Steve offers up the response, "Hey, Anna best friend," which is something I'd probably say, too, but I have fewer chins so I'd probably be forgiven that grave transgression, though in my case there would still be an element of surprise or two I'm not entirely sure Randi's family would be that thrilled about. Like the fact that I would insist we could only get married in Vermont or Hawaii. ["Hey! Or Ontario!" -- Wing Chun] Anna's confessional tells us that "it was total, utter amazement" she felt upon meeting Steve, but Randi regardless tells Steve not to be nervous and shifty because Anna is "nice" and "won't bite." Anna regards him with the continuing "I dissected something that smelled like you once" eyes we've come to know so well from Randi Best Friend, and you can see Anna decide not to bite on account of Steve's already having taken all the bites to fill the quota for the table, thanks. Steve kicks things into action by positing, "Randi says I'm different than a lot of the guys she's brought around," and Best Friend Anna reinvents the English language's need for the word "egalitarian" (outside of providing a rhyming couplet for the word "Rastafarian" in some as-yet-unwritten overly-erudite Weezer song) by shooting back, "Well, I'm excited to find out how." Well, according to Randi's own review of her dating history, it's because Steve's not 1) rich/successful/well-known enough to be mistaken for a member of the Royal Family of an oil-rich nation, or 2) at least almost as pretty as she is.

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance

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