My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 3

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Steve's confessional continues, as we rediscover him on a high, windy peak somewhere that makes it look like he decided to end this woeful charade first and so he climbed and climbed with the eventual intent of throwing his cursed and enchanted engagement ring off of Mount Doom. Once there, he giggles, "I think [Randi] was probably living in fear that I was going to do something stupid," and we cut back to the dinner to find Steve knocking a glass right off the table and then saying "wow" so many times it loses its inherent meaning as, well, "a word meaning 'wow.'" Randi voices over that she thinks Anna was suspicious of the entire thing, and we get a randomly tight shot of poor Anna looking as unsuspicious as humanly possible while taking a bite of a big, honking piece of bread that spooks Dr. Atkins right out of his grave to save Anna from its starchy clutches, stagger deadly to the table, lay his eyes on Steve, turn to run in horror, slip on a slick spot of stray gluten, and die all over again in an ironic non-sequitur twist.

"So, you guys have known each other a long time?" Steve asks, and waits approximately no seconds before dipping a chicken speared on a stick into a vat in the middle of the table and announcing, "Fondue!" Anna begins answering, but it is clear that Steve's attention is already elsewhere (he's not alone), as his eyes bug out and he makes a screaming sound in which I believe he's actually playing the role of the speared chicken. Is that even chicken? He moves the food toward his mouth with a repeated "You've known each other for a long time?," and this time Anna answers that she and Randi have known each other since the third grade, which is, by coincidence, exactly the same age I was when this series premiered. By the time Anna has answered, though, Steve has moved a shrimp onto the spear and kind of attacks poor Anna with it, after which he moves the skewer, making the shrimp move back and forth, pretending he is the shrimp and demanding of Randi "Tell us what you know!" like this is an episode of Mastershrimp Theater and he's playing the role of grand inquisitor, a shrimp of such strength and gravity it could only be played by -- I don't know -- Prawn Connery?

Anna glares at Randi and Randi glares at Steve and Steve looks at Anna and asks, "Do you think Randi's parents will like me?" The useless-on-its-own syllable "dun" joins forces with its brothers "DUN" and "duuuuuuuuun," as a dramatic moment fills with some odd harp-and-strings orchestration (and, I hope, the systematic cancellation of a hundred other high-concept realty show pitches) and lasts so long it bridges an entire commercial break, after which time Anna hems and haws and finally finds solace in the response, "You're so open already. Big, happy face. Smile. You know? That's what's huge." Everyone laughs, because they all know he's really big and fat and obnoxious and that Randi's family will hate him no matter who he is because how are they supposed to carry on that distinctively flat Coy nose unless the dominant genes are contributed by another member of her own nuclear family just like always?

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance




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